Thoughts On Juggling

I can't juggle, be it the three lime green tennis balls I have been practicing with for months or my life which isn't as soft or bouncy as the tennis balls. My downfall is the same with both. I haven't found the up down rythm that keeps things from coliding.
How do I balance being a wife and mother, having a job, and wanting to be my own person too? It usually comes down to one or the other. Often times I sacrafice what I want to do inorder to be the wife/mother I chose to be, but not always. I feel like there has to be a balance, but my daughter is a bottomless pit when it comes to attention. As soon as I sit down to do something for me, she is there asking me to read with her or play a game, none of which I mind doing, but where do I draw the line? Should there even be a line? I have always been a person that needs my space. Children do not understand that concept. The world revolves around them.
As for now, I squeeze in a minute in between work and picking her up from school, or in the evening after she has gone to bed when I am already so tired I should go to bed myself.
I have found time in the last week to do some digiscrap'n. I added the new links on the side. If you are in the mood for a good laugh, check out the "Almost Funny" layout. It'll give you some idea of what parents of wanna-be-teen daughters deal with.
Thanks for listening to me rant!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

A little girls heart is so much deeper than I ever imagined. As I am reading "Captivating", I am watching my daughter and responding to her in different ways. Things I thought I should be teaching her ,as a mother, are dead wrong. For instance, since she has come to live with us my little beauty queen has loved looking in the mirror. She primps and prisses and smiles at herself. Being the mindfull mother I am, I always shoo her away from the mirror spouting some nonsence about what she sees in the mirror not being as important as whats in her heart. Why do I feel the need to minimize her physical beauty? I'm sure it's seeded in the fact that growing up as a twin I was always compared to my sister. Everyone told me I was the prettier one. It killed me. To me, my sister was beautiful and I couldn't image why people would say such a thing. It caused me to despise beauty. We are all beautiful and we should be allowed the chance to revel in it. Little girls should be told they are beautiful inside and out. It should not be something we try to hide or minimalize. Our physical beauty represents God's beauty. He created us in his image. I'm learning to delight in her beauty with her. I tell her how captivating her green eyes are and how completely unique each of her freckles are. There is no other little girl anywhere in the world that holds the piece of beauty that God gave to her. If she wants to spend a few extra minutes staring in the mirror at that beauty, I don't mind a bit. At least she isn't looking at a magazine wishing she looked like someone else.

Captivating

Yesterday was a pretty sucky day for me. I've been in a funk for a few days now. I miss people. I miss the close connections I have with people. The connections are there, but the people are so far away. It makes it hard. I can usually shut the longing up inside of me for a while, but it inevitably comes back and I end up in a funk.
So, last night I was out shopping for school clothes for the fabulous miss Erin, and came across a book by John & Stasi Eldridge, "Captivating; Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman's Soul" (Yes, it has a beautiful cover.) I had seen the book before but with a price tag of $27, I just didn't have the extra money at the time to pick it up. It was much cheaper at this store, so I picked it up.
I am only on the third chapter, but I can't begin tell you how beautiful this book is. I was going to try to insert some great quote from the book here, but I can't pick one! Starting on something would just lead to something else and before you know it I would have written the entire book.
Let me just write part of what is on the back cover.
"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the Beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child's play. They are the secret to the feminine heart."

Okay so as I'm writing this, I have visions of my friend Gina giving me some speech about how it's only reasonable that girls want that because it's what they are taught as they grow up. Is that really the reason? If so, why does it resonate to the core of my being? Why does something in my heart leap at the thought of being Cora in "The Last of The Mohicans"? What makes it so wrong to want to play that role? The heroines in all our stories are strong beautiful women. They are not sissies. They take chances. If men are all about saving and being the hero then doesn't it make since that they need a counter part? Does that make us lesser? No! It completes the circle. We play a necessary role in the story. God did not create another man to keep Adam company. He created a beautifully unique woman with a heart that mirrored God's in a way that Adams could not.
I feel myself going on a little tangent here, so I will stop. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it even though I'm not finished with it. If I had the money I'd send all my girlfriends a copy. :)

Happy Birthday Grandma Lou

Yesterday was my Grandmothers birthday. I called her in the evening to wish her a happy birthday. She greeted me with the same voice I have known and loved since childhood. The physical being on the other end of the line has changed in the ways all eventually do, but the voice is the same. I love my gramma. She has a way of hugging that makes one forget about everything else in the world. It was obvious to me from a very young age, that she was the kind of woman I wanted to be. She is devoted to her family and her faith, and has a genuine love for people. It may sound crazy, but I have also always admired her wrinkles and to this day I hope I have wrinkles like hers when I am her age. They are soft and plump; the kind of wrinkles that are created from smiles and love rather than the creasy harsh kind that are caused by too many frowns. Mostly, I hope that I will learn to have my grandmother’s heart. She loves without condition, gives without question, and has strength beyond measure.

Practicing (and I mean practicing) Meditation

Breathe in...breathe out..breathe in..breathe out, I love you..breathe in, I love you too..breathe out "what was that loud noise coming from the living room?"..breathe in "did I start the washer? Oh crap! I'm supposed to be meditating. Right, meditating..Breathe in...breathe out..breathe in..breathe out.
So began and continued my first meditation session. In the book "Christian Meditation" Finley says "The guideline for meditation with respect to the mind is to be present, open, and awake, neither clinging to nor rejecting anything." This is more difficult than it sounds; at least the not "clinging" part was for me. It was also very hard not to judge myself for the thoughts that came and went. When I caught myself thinking about doing laundry, I felt guilty. After all, I was supposed to be meditating, right? But in the book, he says to be open to everything and let the thoughts flow though you. It reminds me of something one of my creative writing teachers had me do. She would present a topic and the class would just start writing with reckless abandon. We could not stop to judge our writing or edit it. We just wrote without a filter. Somehow by the end of the 15 minutes we spent just writing we would get to the good stuff, but we couldn’t have gotten there if we'd spent that time editing our thoughts before we even wrote them. As I was meditating it felt the same. I had to remind myself not to edit my thoughts as they came and went. After a few minutes it got easier not to edit and just to let them come and go.

"The Christian Culture Survival Guide"

When I woke up this morning I had a profound feeling of longing. For the past few months, my spirit has been searching for something more. I bought some tai chi videos a month ago, and even contemplated visiting the Zen center across the street because I have been feeling the need to connect deeper spiritually. I've felt for sometime that there is something to meditation that I need. You can blame it on the fact that I live on the west coast, but I've felt this way for a very long time. I have always enjoyed the quiet moments especially on a summer evening at sunset when the world is still. These moments have always stirred me in ways I can't explain. So, this morning I woke early and was reading my usual blogs. I stumbled over to RLP which led me to another link which led to another and another and before I knew it I was at Amazon.com searching for books on Christian Meditation. I have to admit that I often am at least initially interested in books based on the cover. I know it's crazy and I've been let down many times by books boasting a beautiful cover that only disguised awful writing, but that does nothing to deter my cover judging ways. The first book that jumped out at me was "Christian Meditation: Experiencing the Presence of God" by James Finley. The cover was so pretty it took all my power to hold myself in my computer chair long enough to read through a few pages and compare it to a few other books that came up in my search. In the end, I decided to get it. Along with judging books by the cover, I struggle with waiting for anything, so rather than click the buy now button and wait two days for delivery, I drove to pick up the beautifully covered book.
While at the books store, I couldn't help but look around. In my searching I found an interesting little book with, you guessed it, a pretty cool cover. The books title was inticing as well; “The Christian Culture Survival Guide” by Matthew Paul Turner. I flipped through to read a few pages.(What? You think I would buy it solely on cover value? How vain do you think I am?) The list on page 145 solidified the sale.
"Seven Evangelism Don'ts
1. Do NOT leave a Jesus tract for a server in a place of his or her eighteen percent tip. Gospel presentation pamphlets with less that fifteen percent tips don't work either!
2. Do NOT perform "quickie" salvation pitches on streets of foreign cities. It's bad enough we do these in English on the streets of American cities, but give the rest of the world a break and at least have the decency to get to know the person first.
3. Do NOT be a participant in drive-by "evangelizements". I'm not sure anyone has ever come to salvation by hearing people yell Jesus messages from passing cars.
4. Do NOT witness while intoxicated, high, or after having unmarried sex. Oh! You would be shocked to know the stories I have heard.
5. Do NOT go into chat rooms and bash people because of their beliefs of lifestyle, and then try to tell them about Jesus. That rarely works!
6. Do NOT make wagers or bets regarding people's souls; salvation is never a game.
7. Do NOT underestimate the influence your life can have on an individual who doesn't know Jesus. "
I read the book in about 2 hours. Overall, the book is funny, especially for someone who comes from a fundamentalist background.
I'll let you know about "Christian Meditation" once I've read it. I am excited about delving deeper in my spiritual journey, but it is difficult to fight the fundamentalist mentality in me that says anything to do with meditation is evil.

Swimming Pools & Movies Stars

Hollywood stars were out in abundance Friday night as "The Case of The Missing Garbage" premiered at the acclaimed PS Cinema in Sunnyvale, CA. Film star, Gina Bluhm, made her directing debut in this slap-stick comedy about a gumshoe detective played by the well known Jonathan Bluhm and a roving reporter played by Erin Jackson, an up and coming starlet. The film follows the two as they search for garbage that has mysteriously disappeared. Rumors that Cutie the dog made a guest appearance in the movie were confirmed by Broadway star Tori Diaz who was in attendance at last nights premier. Insiders said that the list of stars at the nights event included famous drummer John Jackson, comedians Jason & William, magician Jeremy Martin, and rapper D.J. just to name a few. Attendees were awe-struck when The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences performed a first ever on site awards ceremony presenting Jonathan Bluhm an Oscar for his role as Detective Whosamawhatsit and his counter part Erin Jackson with an Oscar for her role as reporter, PolyWoly Beaker.
The two stars appear to be taking their new found fame in stride and were gracious enough to sign autographs for fans who lined the red carpet. As with any red carpet event all eyes were on the celebrity couture, and these rising stars did not disappoint. Jonathan Bluhm stayed classic in a jacketless Armani Savers tuxedo while Erin Jackson returned to Hollywood’s glamour days in a white silk satin gown by S.A. Bouwer.
The evening ended with the two placing their hand prints in cement for their stars on the walk of fame. This is just the beginning for these talented actors and their fans can't wait for more.





While neither the people or events mentioned above are ficticious, the event was not a sactioned Hollywood premire. It was the brain child of a mom and an aunt who wanted two kids who made their own short movie to feel like real movie stars. Thanks to all of you who showed up and helped to make this a special evening for Erin and Jonathan. It's an event they will never forget!

Two Down, Three To Go

I had a little time this afternoon so I took some pictures around our apartment. There isn't a lot to work with as far as beautiful scenery, so I just captured what I could. These two are the best of the dozen that I took. I am still getting to know my digital camera even though I've had it for over a year. I've just never taken the time to figure it out. It's a Canon Powershot A70. It's a really good camera for the price. My dream camera is the Digital Canon Rebel. I usually shoot with my Minolta SLR, but digital offers instant gratification.
I love shooting from unusual angles. It causes the viewer to take a second or third look to figure out exactly what the picture is. The first photo is pretty straight forward. It's just some leaves on a branch. I shot it in black and white in macro mode. The second is a little more interesting in my opinion. It's from a long leaf looking from the top down. It reminds me of the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" when the kids slide down the blade of grass. Raise your hand if you think that would be fun!
I have the house all to myself tonight. Erin is out with our friend Thomas and Gina. Their nephew has spent part of the summer with them and this is his last week here so they took him to the boardwalk in Santa Cruz and Erin tagged along. I'm a little disappointed. We were supposed to have a girl’s night, but I totally understand. I miss her when she is gone.
Well, I'm off to enjoy my Lean Cuisine Pecan Chicken. Only 5 points on my WW point-o-meter! I'll have one point left after this meal. Whatever shall I spend it on?

I joined Weight Watchers today. I still haven't decided if I will attend the meetings or just do it with the girls at work. What I know is that I have hit a plateau and I'm frustrated and willing to do what it takes to get back to losing again. Curves is great for the workout part, but I have been doing horrible when it comes to eating. Why do I think I can eat whatever I want and lose weight? My body just won't go for that! It holds on to every extra calorie! So, I started Weight Watchers today with my skinny stick of a daughter sitting next to me durring the meeting complaing that she was hungry and wanted McDonalds. Something tells me this is going to be a long and painful road, but I'm willing to do it. Perhaps it will mean that she will have to start eating healthy as well. I keep trying to convince her that one day she will not be able to eat all that she does and keep that stick figure, but she doesn't believe me. She is nine and blissfully unaware that widder hips and a bulging abdomen are just around the corner. I am doing my best now to keep her active and we are working on the fruits and vegtables. From the looks of it she will maintain that skinny waist by downing a full glass of water with every miniscule piece of brocoli I make her eat, and I am certain she is burning off calories by contorting her face into an awful grimice with each gulp. She will either thank me one day, or send me her therapy bill.
As for me, I know this is something I can do. I am hopefull that I will lose 10bls by September 5th. That is exaclty one month from today. I'll try not to focus too much on my diet durring my blogging, but I will keep you updated. :)
I have set two other goals for myself. I will take a minimum of five pictures a week and I will learn to play one song on the guitar by then.
We are going camping in September and I am determined to play a song by the camp fire even if I have to play the same one over and over again.

Sandra :)

My Dream

I dream of a place with cool springs, lush rolling hills, and thick forest. In my dream I live simply. There is an old house with a wrap around porch where I can watch the sun rise and set. There are no busy street noises or shrill siren screams. There is only the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves and the quiet spring spilling out into the creek. The days are long and beautiful; overflowing with family, love, and laughter. The nights are quite and restful with a sky full of stars and a big bright moon to light the way to wherever we may be going. The air is scented with fresh cut grass, grandmas Peony’s, and nectar from the humming bird feeder. Life is not perfect, but it’s close. This is my dream, and I know the longer I wait for it, the more I will enjoy it when it comes.

The pictures above are of a house I've fallen in love with. I first saw it on a camping trip several years ago. The first picture is from that trip. The house was abandoned and falling apart. I had visions of buying it and fixing it up. From the second picture you can tell someone beat me to it. It's a lovely old house; full of wonder, mystery, and potential. I hope that when it is time for us to move to our little piece of heaven on earth we will build something with as much character.

New Links

I added a few new links today.

SeekerThoughts is a link from my friend Aola's blog. I read through his entire "My Journey" series and read several of his blog posts. I found it very thought provoking.

WhereTheHeckIsJohn is a blog I ran across while hitting the "next blog" button. From what I can tell it's a guy blogging about his trip around the worlds. I can't figure out if the posts are done as he's doing the traveling or afterwards. Either way it's a neat read.

PhotoNoShop is a photo blog. The photos are beautiful!

Enjoy!

Del Valle

Del Valle is a beautiful park about 30 minutes from us. We usually go there every year to camp. The camp sites are nice; there is a cool ranger program for the kids, a nice lake, a nature center, and plenty of trails. We didn't camp this weekend; we just went for a swim and a hike. It was a beautiful day, but HOT! 102 in the shade! Poor David doesn't swim so he just sat at a picnic bench and watched Erin and I as we swam. The water was fairly cold so it was a nice way to cool off. We didn't stay in long because I felt awful for David. After our swim we went for a hike. It didn't take us long to realize that not only was it too hot to be hiking, our dog, Patches, just wasn't in the mood. Patches is, for the most part, an indoor dog. Her feet aren't very tough so as we walked, she would run from one patch of shade to another. We walked about half a mile in, took her down to a little clearing so she could walk in the water for a minute and then headed back. She slept the entire way home. She is still recovering today.
All in all, it was a beautiful day. I love being outside enjoying nature. It's not something we do often. David is a stay at home and watch movies type of guy. I think he's just embarrassed by his white legs which are two shades darker after yesterday!
Next weekend I'm trying to convince him to go to Filoli house which is a Georgian mansion with a 16 acre garden! Can you imagine that Aola?? 16 acres of garden!! Wow!