This is either the start of something or nothing at all. I haven't decided yet.

He died in December.
The last grey leaf
clinging to a naked tree.
I kicked the snow off my boots
took a deep breath
and walked into the room.
He lay cold and withered
on a hospital bed that didn’t belong
in my grandparents living room.
I sat beside him
holding everything in
while he was letting go.
Hands that had once tickled
without a single touch
now lay tired and frail
inside of my own.
I gently squeezed
“I love you”
In a made up form
of Morris Code.

I love Christmas music. I couldn't pick a favorite if my life depended on it, but this song, "Christmas Song" by Dave Mathews Band, is on the top of my list right now.



She was his girl; he was her boyfriend
She be his wife; take him as her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling dribbling baby boy
The wise men came three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around

Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary for a reasonable fee, less than
Reputable as known to be

His heart was full of love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around
When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree
Said "oh, Daddy-o I can see how it all soon will be
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene
Instead I fear I spill the blood of my children all around"

The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around
So the story goes, so I'm told
The people he knew were
Less than golden hearted
Gamblers and robbers
Drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers
Like you and me

Rumors insisited he soon would be
For his deviations
Taken into custody by the authorities
Less informed than he.
Drinkers and jokers. all soul searchers
Searching for love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said "eat this bread and think of it as me
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around"
The blood of our children all around

Father up above, why in all this anger have you fill
Me up with love
Fill me love love love
Love love love
Love love
And the blood of our children all around

The world is quiet for the moment. Erin is in taking a shower and will soon be in bed dreaming of the things little girls dream of and I will be snuggled on the couch with a blanket, a mug of warm cider, and a book I started reading years ago and never finished. "The Invitation" is a book I purchased on a whim. The words on the cover stirred something in me when I read them.
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive..."

Regret

Since I was sick with whatever that was a few weeks ago, my stomach hasn't been the same. I'm pretty sure it shrunk to about half the size it was. I'm not complaining! I knew I was eating too much before. I am sad that it took me being sick to be able to eat less.
Today we had a post Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. I had purchased a turkey and most of the trimmings before we knew if Erin would be okay to travel. It was my "just in case" meal. Turns out she was fine to travel and we didn't need all the extras I purchased. So we fixed them up today because lord knows two huge turkey meals within three days of one another sounded like a much better idea than it feels like right now. My stomach is screaming at me! I don't think I ate all that much. I had a cinnamon roll for breakfast with coffee, a hamburger for lunch no fries, and then one moderatly full plate for dinner with a normal slice of pie for desert, but from the sound and feeling of my tummy, you would think I cleared out an all you can eat buffett.
It's 12:32 and I have to be at work in exactly five hours and twenty-eight minutes. Whatever is swirling in my tummy better settle soon.

Holidays are always hard for me. I manage to have a good time with whomever we are spending them with, but I always miss my family. This year it hit me as I was cleaning off the table. Tiny tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. It wasn't so much because I miss them although I do more than I can say. It was the thought of them having Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Coral. My mom and sister had to work so my Grandpa decided that they shouldn't have to cook and took everyone out. It was a sweet gesture, but one they all were a little disapointed with. I could hear it in their voices when I called to wish them a happy Thanksgiving. I felt guilty when my grandpa asked me what we were making. I explained our meal in the least amount of detail possible to help myself feel better. I told them that next year I will be comming out for Thanksgiving so that I can teach them how it's done. Apparently in my absence, they have forgotten what they are supposed to do on holidays. There is a tiny seed of hope that we might be able to be there for Christmas, but I don't want to foster it yet. I can't handle the disapointment.

When I first left the church, I thought it was for many reasons. They didn't understand where I was in my life. No one there really seemed to give a damn about me once I chose not to attend the college they had in mind for me or wait for the guy they chose for me to date.
Now, I can see that I left the church for only one reason. It wasn't where I was meant to be. One thing you have to know about me is that I am a people pleaser. I want to make people happy regardless of the cost. In a traditional church setting, I did whatever I thought would make the leadership happy. If it was singing, I sang. If it was dancing, I danced. I wanted to be seen as a faithfull servant, but all my serving had nothing to do with God and everything to do with me. I wanted to be recognised as someone who was worthy.
There were moments when I experienced God in a church setting. I can count them on one hand, but I know they were real moments when I wasn't being fake and I was allowing God to work in me. The majority of time, however, I was faking.
I was hurt by a lot of what happened in my final months attending RF. I was devastated to find out that the people I thought cared about me didn't really care after all. I was astonished at how quickly I became labeled "backslidden".
It wasn't easy for me to make the decision to leave. Rather than tell myself it was over, I came up with excuses not to be in that building with those people. I had too much homework. I had to work. I was too tired. The list went on and on. I forced myself to go many times, but those times were the most awful experiences in my life. I could feel the stares of the people I once fellowshiped with and hear their whispers. The last time I went, I walked out in the middle of service. My eyes were filled with tears and my heart was breaking. I felt like everything I had ever known about God and my relationship with him had been shaken to the ground. I felt guitly for not "staying the course". I felt weak and completely alone. I was sure there was something wrong with me. That somewhere along they way I had taken a wrong turn and there was no going back. My mother and I fought more during this time than we had in my entire life. She pushed and pulled and begged and pleaded for me to come back to church, but there was no way I could. Something inside me had changed. I suddenly realized that it would be better to live in truth and walk away than stay there and live a lie. Weeks later, my mom had the same experience and walked out in the middle of a service. ( I am leaving out a lot of personal details here because I don't want to point the finger in any one direction. What happened happend so that I could see truth, and I am thankfull for that.)
After leaving RF, Aola invited me to her church and I went a few times, but for the most part I was closed off. I was hurt so badly that I didn't let anyone in not even God. I couldn't understand how everything I thought I knew had been a lie. I question God. I doubted myself. I stubled and fumbled and found myself starting back at the begining.
Over the last 6 years it's been a constant battle for me. I struggle with wanting the community found inside those four walls. It's much easier to walk into a place where everyone is just waiting to be your friend and accept you ( of course, they'll turn on you later) than it is to forge your way through the jungle trusting God to lead you to the poeple he wants you to build community with.
Through all of this I have learned that church is not something you attend, but something you are. I've learned that it's okay to be where I am. I don't have to feel quilty for not being farther along on my journey. Most importantly, I've learned to accept other people just as they are and not try to conform them to what I think or believe.
I know that this journey is no where near over. I'll still stumple and fall, but each time I'll pick myself up and start chasing him again.
I have to give a bigh THANK YOU to Aola. Without her love and support I wouldn't have made it through this.

Erin Update

We met with the surgeon yesterday. Erin is doing fine. She is feeling better and finally has some color back in her cheeks. They recomended that we finish up the antibiotics she is on and meet with them in January to decide if we want to have the appendix removed or not. This all seems so foreign compared to what I normally hear about ruptured appendixs. Even the doctor said this was one of the best cases he has ever seen. As long is there is no fever after we are finished with the antibiotics, we are in the clear. Erin seems to be feeling back to normal. She's singing, playing, and dancing again. It feels good to see her like this. Thank you all for your comments, and prayers.

I've been dabling with my digital designing this weekend. It's fun just to play around and learn new tricks. Sometimes I learn something and think "man it would have been so much easier if I had learned that ages ago". Oh well, I guess it's all a part of the process.
My girls tummy is swollen again today. It's only 2cm bigger than it was two days ago, so I'm not sure what that means. It sucks to not know how to make her better. I just keep giving her the antibiotics and monitoring her temperature and measuring the belly. I hope we have some answers on Monday.
I have so much creative energy swirling around inside me. I want to make a gazilion things and practice some on the guitar, but I can't get my butt out of the computer chair. One thing leads to another and before you know it the day is done.
I've envited Thomas and Gina over for dinner. I'm thinking about making Chicken Madera for them.
This post is all over the place just like my brain right now!!!

It's been a bit of a crazy week. We had to take Erin to the ER on Sunday for an allergic reaction to one of her antibiotics. It was just a slight rash, and after 7 hours they were able to prescribe another medication. Tuesday evening I had to take her to urgent care because she was running a low grade fever. They rescheduled her CT scan to yesterday. We met with her primary care doctor afterwards and she said that the scan showed several abcesses in her abdomen. The surgeon is looking over her chart and information this morning and should be giving us a call to let us know what will happen next. From the sound of it she will be having surgery to remove the abcesses and any pieces of the appendix that are still there. It seems my life is revolving around this situation, and of course that is how it should be. It has even invaded my dreams. Last night I had dreams about snakes trying to attack us. They were the strangest snakes. One had fur like a zebra and two heads. One was purple but changed colors to shades of green. I was very scared of them in my dream despite their odd appearance. I looked up some info on snakes in dreams and it can mean any number of things from death to having an issue that needs to be resolved. That seems fitting for my current situation. Hopefully this will all be over soon and we can return to life as normal although I'm sure it will take me a while to stop jumping everytime she says her tummy hurts or freaking out when the thermometer goes above 89.9.

5 Years Yesterday

David and I celebrated our five year anniversary last night. Gina and Thomas watched Erin for us so we could go out to dinner. It was a great night. It felt good just to relax and talk. We haven't seen much of each other for the last week and a half. We were trading shifts at the hospital so we could work and sleep, so it was nice to just have him all to myself for a few hours.
I love this man so much. I knew from the moment I met him that I would love him for the rest of my life. He'd do anything to make me happy. I learned a lot about him this past week as I watched him sleep on a bed that was way to small for him so he could stay with Erin. He sat on her bedside and stroked her hair. He colored with her. This all seems so normal when a man has a child, but he did not have her. The love he has for her comes from the love he has for me. He didn't have to say yes to adopting her, but he loved me and that loved spilled over to her. It's an amazing thing to see.
Here's to five years that have gone by fast and slow all at the same time. Here's to another five years, and another, and another, and another.

She's Home!

We just got home from the hospital, and not a moment too soon. All of the test pointed to a burst appendix which is normally quite serious, but sometimes the body is able to contain the fluids and heal on it's own. They believe that the mass they found was inflimation in the intestinal wall. She will be on antibiotics for two weeks, will have a visit to her primary care doctor on Wednesday, will go in for another CT on Friday, and will finish up by meeting with the pediatric sergeon on the 21st just to go over the CT scan. They want to make sure that all the inflimation goes down and that there isn't any other mass. She is feeling fine other than a little pain in her tummy which is probably just from the fluid build up. We just have to watch for any significant changes. She even gets to go back to school on Monday. Everyone (okay my mom) complained about the doctors taking so long to diagnose her, but I'm glad they didn't rush into surgery when it wasn't needed. They saw that her symptoms were not severe and knew they had time to look at everything and make the best decisions. I'm thankfull for all of the prayers that were said and all the support that was given. It was a very difficult time, but it showed us how strong we are as a family and just how tough our little girl is. She's so brave!
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Erin Update

Erin was admitted to the hospital last night after a CT scan showed a mass between her small and large intestine. Details are sketchy at best, but the doctors seem to be doing what they need to in order to figure out what is wrong. Erin is feeling "okay" she says. Her tummy hurts, she's very lethargic, and is really upset about the IV they put in for fluids yesterday. If you would like to reach any of us at the hospital you can call directly at 408-793-4805. We should have more information later today after the head Radiologist has read her CT scan. They are also taking some fluid from her belly to help determine what is wrong. I'll try to keep you updated.

I'm adding two new Blogs to my list. The first is a gentleman named Sooni who lives in Baghdad Iraq. I came across his blog while hitting the "next blog" button and was suprised to see pictures of happy faces in Iraq.
Aola posted about truth in her blog. I've been thinking a lot about truth concearning the war in Iraq, and have come to realize there are many truths. Sooni's blog shows a piece of the truth. Most Iraq's are happy to have freedom and are greatfull to the men and women who are there fighting with them and for them. War is an awful ugly machine. I don't know a single person who wishes for or hopes for war. I don't know all the in's and outs of this war. I don't understand the politics behind all of it. I hear a lot from the left and the right about WMD's and no WMD's and about war for oil and think that somewhere in between these two polarized sides is truth. I do know that when I saw the pictures of people celebrating Eid in Iraq I was suprised. The only pictures I've seen have been of death and destruction, and while that too is truth, it's nice to see some of the other truths that exist there.
The second link is to a blog by SSG Paul Farr and is a newsletter he sends out from Iraq. It too is another piece of truth from Iraq from the side of our men serving there.

My girl is sick. She's been sick since Tuesday. At first, I thought it was from eating too much Halloween candy, but when she wasn't better on Wednesday and had a fever, I sent her to the doctor who said it was a stomach flu and prescribed lots of fluid and rest. It's Saturday and she still isn't better. She's been laying on the couch or her bed all week and hasn't even wanted to watch a movie. For a child that is normally bouncing off the walls and talking at a speed faster than that of sound, this concerns me. Last night I told her we were going to the doctor and she made me promise they would give her something to make her feel better. I know I shouldn't promise anything that I'm not 100% sure of, but it was the only thing I could give her so I promised.

My Little Tink

Twice since Halloween I have heard someone say to me "we should take back Halloween for Jesus". This just makes me crazy! As a kid, I wasn't allowed to participate in Halloween for several years because my mom said it was the devils holiday. Our church put on some lame christian night that was only attended by the few people in our youth group and that was that. Sure, you can lecture me on the beginings of Halloween. I've heard it a milion times. Those aren't the reasons I celebrate Halloween. I celebrate a time of year when summer has come to a close and the cold weather is about to set it. It's a fun time for kids and adults to dress up and take a step back from the ordinary. It can be scary, but it doesn't have to be. It's the one time of year just about everyone gives something away for free with a happy heart. Have you seen the people giving out candy? They are just as excited as the kids asking for it. Do I think God is angry that my daughter dressed up as Tinker Bell and paraded around asking for candy? NO! I think he probably enjoys seeing us shed our inhibitions and just have fun. Halloween is just an easy target for christans to shoot their little arrows at and make a big fuss over. The last time I checked, evil existed every day. Besides, there is probably less evil on a night when milions of kids are laughing and smiling and having a good time. I think their joy has a way of dispersing the evil.