Who could have guessed?

When Erin was born a little over nine years ago, I never imaged she would one day call me mom. I was sixteen and thrilled to the core to be her aunt. I was there when she was born. It was a long and difficult labor that ended with a c-section. I paced the floor until the nurse brought her out. I was in love with her from the moment I saw her. I skipped many nights with my friends to be with her. Just holding her; in awe of her perfect fingers and toes. There were a few nights I even slept in her crib with her. As she grew so did our bond. We were shopping buddies and dancing partners. I melted each time she called me Nana, still never imagining that I could ever play the role of mother to her. When I moved to California, it was difficult for everyone in our family, but I worried the most about her. She was moving back in with my sister to a situation I couldn't control while in the same city much less from across the country. I called her often. She always found a way to make me smile. Once, she tried to stuff durritos through the phone and was absolutely confused when it didn't work. Over the next four years things progressed in a way that is only clear as I look back over them, and Erin came to live with us. One year ago today, we signed the papers that legaly made us a family.
"Who would have guessed? Who could have known? The roads we have taken would lead us home."

Giving Up

Today was tough. I wanted to quit my exercise program and raid the kitchen for whatever contraban may be hiding in the cabinets, and with a husband and daughter who don't eat according to any plan, there is a lot to choose from.
I feel like I've been doing so well. I've been limiting my calorie intake and working out harder. I've even added running three times a week as well as 15 minutes a day of pilates type workouts after my daily 30 minutes of circut training, but the scale isn't budging and neither are the inches. My boss told me I might have to restrict my calories even more and that almost sent me over the edge of the diet cliff.
I wanted to eat the mint chocolate chip ice cream cone that's been calling to me while sitting on the couch watching television, but I didn't. I pressed on. I had a half cup of low calorie frozen yogurt and went for a 24 minute jog. I'm not giving in. I won't give up.

Manic Mom Day

My mom called me to tell me that she had what my sister called a manic episode a few nights ago. She packed some things in a bag with the full intention of hopping on a bus headed for San Jose. This attempt to flee everything exemplifies life with my mom. She always seemed a breath away from jumping ship in whatever way seemed most convenient. I remember my sisters and I waiting outside her bedroom door listening to her cry herself to sleep; at least one of us wondering if this would be the time she never came out.
I knew from a young age that my mom was broken and I tried my hardest to fix her. I'm still trying. As a child, I bought her bears to add to her collection, but there were never enough to fill the broken places. As an adult, I convinced her to start medication, but the cracks are still there and are getting deeper. Over the years, she has tried to fill the empty spaces with many things: men, alcohol, religon. They have only left her more broken.
I wish I had answers for my mom. I wish I was able to do more than tell her everything will be okay; doubting the words even as they slip through my lips.

Friends of ours visited earlier this week. They came over for dinner and stayed late into the evening, well passed the time the part of my brain which filters thoughts as they go through my brain before the come out my mouth stoped working. We had one long conversation about many things. Somehow we started talking about Noah and the flood. I said that I didn't believe that the flood covered the whole earth. My friend not only disagreed but proceeded to tell me how before the flood there was never rain only dew, and that it was cloudy all the time. That is of course why people lived so much longer. They were not exposed to the sun. As I sat next to her on the couch, thoughts about the flood bouncing from one side of my brain to the other like a game of Pong, I blurted out that I didn't believe any of it. I didn't believe that it had never rained before that flood, or that the earth had been covered by some special layer of sunblocking clouds, or that people really did live longer. What shocked me the most was not that I had said outloud that I didn't believe it, but that I truly did not believe any of it. The look on my friends face could have been used in a Master Card commercial because it was priceless. She started throwing scripture at me like it was truly a sword and she was trying her hardest to cut of the nonbeliever part of me. What she didn't know is that I don't believe a lot of what the Bible says, so she can't realy use it against me. When she finished, I asked her if my not believing in the story of the flood changed anything. Does it change who God is? Does it change who I am? Does it change how I interact with God? Is the point of the story that it was all factual or is the point that we get the message behind the story? She like many others can't get past the facts. In her mind every word in the Bible is a fact that is applicable to her life. In my mind, it doesn't matter if it happened or it didn't. My faith is built on much more than a story about a flood.

Today was wonderful. We all slept in. David made a delicious breakfast of french toast and bacon. Erin and I layed around all morning. We wathced "Two Brothers" which is a cute movie.
We started having Sunday dinner at the table. We rarely have dinner at the table, and it's something I miss. Growing up, we always had dinner at the table and Sunday dinners were always special. We went to my grandparents house and had a family dinner. I have been spending all my time missing those type of traditions, and it just hit me that we should start some of our own, so Sunday diners will be spent at the table.
We started a new poker chip program with Erin. She has a list of ways to earn chips like cleaning her room, being ready for school on time, and helping out around the house. She has a list of ways to lose chips like aruging, saying "um" and "like", and complaining when asked to do something. She has a list of things she can buy with her chips like 30 minutes of t.v. or computer time, ice cream, root beer, craft time etc. We talked about the program tonight and she seems pretty excited about it. I cleaned her room top to bottom so she can have a fresh start. She's a good kid, she just needs a little more structure than we've been giving her. I know she'll do well with it.

A Better Day

I'm feeling 100% better today! I've been ignoring the mess in my house inorder to scrapbook most of the day. I made a couple of pages I'm pretty proud of. I even squeezed in an afternoon walk/run on the treadmill. I really pushed hard and managed to go a mile in 22 minutes. I usually warm up at 2mph the first three minutes then I alternate between running at 3.5mph and walking at 3mph for three minutes each. I finish up with a cool down at 2mh for three minutes. I haven't been on the treadmill since I tore my calf muscle months ago so I'm pretty excited that I was able to do this much. My goal is to be able to do a 15 minute mile. I only have to improve my speed by 7 minutes. That shouldn't be a problm. Right?!?
Our friend, Danny, was over today. He is leaving for bootcamp in a week. He will either be going to MO or TX for nine weeks then he'll go to ATI training for a few months and then he'll be going to Iraq. I'm scared for him as I am for all of the people over there. I told him to write so that we know he is okay. He doesn't have much family. His dad killed himself when he was very young and I don't know anything about his mom. He has a brother and a sister that he's close to. He has two beautiful kids. He says he's doing this so they will be taken care of.

Katrina

In just one and a half days at work I have heard way too much B&M about the governments responce to huricane Katrina from women who are so far removed from the devistation that I can't image how they know exaclty what happened and when it happend without question. I guess they are relying on the oh-so-honest media.
I'm not aruging in defence of either side. I simply feel that the story isn't as black and white as the media makes it seem and that there will be plenty of time for Katrina investigations once the people closest to this tragedy are safe. It's dificult for me to accept the idea that this rest all on the shoulders of one man. We have local, state, and federal governments in that order for a reason. It seems to me that mistakes were made at each level, but given that this was a disaster beyond what most expected I can see how it could have happened. The problem I see is that a situation of human tragedy has been turned into nothing more than a politcal batle field. Aruging about who should have done what and when they should have done it does nothing for the victims, and using this disaster to vent your political frustration is discusting. Stop pointing figures and point your efforts in the direction of help.

This is a link to an interesting website of some people who stayed through Katrina. It's pretty much hour by hour.
Survival of New Orleans Blog

Pushing Him Away

Three years ago my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were killed in a fire. It was a dark time in my life. I learned a lot about myself, and just how far I could be pushed before breaking. Sadly, I didn't have to be pushed very far. I searched through what was left of my father-in-laws home for some small piece of hope, but only choked on ash and tears. I could have been many things, but I was only weak. I sat on the curbside after a sleepless night trying to comprehend all that had happened. I asked God the most obvious question, "Why"? I threw my hands up in frustration when no answer was given. I denounced God. I stomped my feet and shook my fist screaming at God, "How can there be a god when something like this is allowed to happen? I don't believe in you! I can't believe in you!"
It wasn't enough for me to think these things. I had to scream them at him. I wanted to make sure he heard. I needed him to know that I was angry, that this wasn't fair, and that I wasn't going to let him off the hook. I knew he was there, and I knew that my turning away from him would hurt him, and that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted him to feel what I felt. While I was busy ranting and raving, he was putting his arms around me and drawing me in. He was telling me that I didn't need to hurt him because he felt what I felt and that I could tell him that I didn't believe in him all I wanted to, but he knew it wasn't true because he, more than anyone, knew my heart.
He gave me the space I needed to grieve and to heal. He showed me that he is not shaken even when everything else is turned upside down, and that he doesn't leave even when I push him away.

Pleasure & Pain

Camping was beautiful. We were surrounded by nature. Erin and I woke early one morning to go for a hike and saw a family of deer that had stoped to graze in a field. Our friends stayed with us one night and we played guitar music by the campfire while roasting marshmellows. It just doesn't get any better than that.
In an atempt to balance pleasure and pain, I came down with a cold the day after we got home. I'm just now starting to feel semi-normal again although my head is still pounding and my throat feels like I've swallowed sand paper. The cold has migrated from my head to my chest. Hopefully it will soon be traveling on.

Happy Birthday Jen!

Today is my friend Jen's birthday! Jen is an awesome woman! I couldn't imagine not having her as a friend. She's just started a new career and moved to a new place. It's a scary thing to leave all you know for the unknown, but she's brave! I know that you'll do great Jen!
Here are a few pictures I took in honor of Jen's birthday.
We are leaving for a camping trip today, and won't be back until Wednesday. It's a much needed trip for all of us. David finished this session of classes and was first in the class! I'm so proud of him! He's doing a great job. We celebrated at Dave & Busters last night. It was fun.
Until Thursday!