Analize This

Two nights ago, I had a dream that my beloved pooch, Patches, was dogie-naped and forced to perform in a wild west dog show where she was a cowgirl complete with a braided blonde wig and cowgirl hat. I was thrown out of the dog show for dogie-naping her back.

The weather was beautiful today. It was warm enough for us to sit outside while visiting my friend Edith. She wanted to introduce Erin to her two new babies, little Dotsons named Spirit and Art. I wish I had taken my camera to get pictures to share. They are the most adorable little pooches ever. They were running and tumbling in the clover that coveres Edith's front yard. We watched, talked, and laughed. The sun was so warm on my skin that I almost forgot it's still winter. The smell of clover always reminds me of being a kid and playing outside. We, like most people in this area, do not have the luxury of a yard, and it is something I miss. When we move I will have all the yard I need, and I hope to never take it for granted.
I'm learning a lot from Edith. She's teaching me that it is always best to be true to myself even if that means hurting someone. I struggle with being honest about my needs if I feel like it could hurt someone. I aruge with myself and try to change the way I feel only to find myself more confused than ever. I'm learning to speak up for myself and to set my boundries. I'm learning that it is okay to be who I am where I am at this moment in time. I have to be honest with those around me about my expectations and needs. This doesn't mean that I can't bend or flex. It just means that I am up front and honest in the first place rather than just accepting things and grumbling about it later. I don't intentionaly hurt anyone, and I'm finding that if someone does get hurt, it's less about me and more about them.

It was a good weekend. We all had the day off yesterday, so we spent a lot of time together. We were a normal family for a few days. It felt good. We watched "Flight Plan" which I thought was pretty good. I had heard that it was predictable, but I didn't think so. We also watched "Just Like Heaven" which I thought was a cute movie and "Hide and Seek" which was okay. It was not as scary as I thought it would be, but it was a little strange.
I went over my credit report. We are working on becoming more finacially stable. Niether of us had very good examples while growing up. We've made some poor choices in the past, but we have a plan and we're working on it. Our credit isn't the best, but it isn't as bad as I expected it to be either. There are a few questionable things on my report that envolve someone applying for a home loan which I have never done in my life. That's a little scary.
Erin is out of school all week. That should make for a very interesting week. Her friends from Seatle are visiting at the end of the week. She will be so excited to see them.

Confession: I love Lisa Lobbs new show "Number One Single" She is so cute and funny.

A well-meaning friend of my husbands invited us to church. The poor guy barely had the question out before I pumelted him with a load of crazy questions. He laughed when I said I would do a background check on the pastor and get back to him. (He thought I was kidding?)
Seriously, I don't mean to be so cynical. I take that back. Yes I do. I'm not being cynical about him though. I know what it takes to ask someone to go to church with you, or at least what it took for me.
He gave me the church website and I went for a lookie-loo. It seems nice, too nice. My grandma always told me that if something looks too good to be true it probably is. This church seems to be packaged so perfectly. The website says all the right things and doesn't sway too far in one direction or the other. They have a healthy helping of activities and a group list that any groupie would drool over. They even have a karate class which seems to fit perfectly with my recent search for a martial arts program for Erin.
What I want to know is, how does a real person like me whose life has highs and lows, rights and wrongs fit in to such a perfect church? Why don't they write the real stuff on their web page? Why do they lure you in only to find out that they are human after all with the same strugles and pitfalls that I face? I have nothing against being human. I've been one all my life. I just want a church flier that at least alludes to the fact that real people go there. Even if it was something as small as a misspelled word. Anything! I don't care about programs and groups. I want open and honest; real and true.

This post Religious Pluralist from a friend of a friend made me think. I'm interested to know what you think of it.

This past weekends sleep over was not only fun for the girls, but enlightening for me. I learned a great deal about what is going on durring the after school program we have Erin enrolled in. When we signed her up, we thought it would be a possitive thing for her. It would provide the tutoring she needed and interaction with other children. What we failed to focus on was the fact that it is a program for "at risk" children. It was only opened to those not at risk once the others had been given the chance to signup. I'm not sure what determines if a child is"at risk". I do know that it means children who's first language is not english and those who have had diciplinary action taken. I think it is a great program and wonderful opportunity, but not for Erin. She doesn't have a healthy selfesteem and when you mix that with children who behave badly it can only lead to disaster. I don't think that this is entirely the cause of the difficulty we are having with Erin, but after the sleepover I can see that it is playing a roll. This is her last week in the after school program. I am looking into a martial arts program she and I can take together, and I have a friend who is going to do some art therapy work with her. She is devistated because she will not get to see her friends anymore or play with them. I told her we could make play dates. I know that once she is involved in something else it will be easier, but the transition will be hard for her. It's the first thing I've seen her so attached to. That makes it tough to take her out, but I really feel like it is the right choice. Especially after picking her up and whitnessing a child talking to one of the leaders in a completely inappropriate way. Her words to him were "Shut up! You're so stupid and you stink. Can you do something about the way you smell?" When I asked Erin about it she said they were just joking. I explained that joking or not, that is no way to talk to someone who is in charge. She said she doesn't talk that way to them, but with that type of behavior being accepted by the staff, it's only a matter of time before she's involved if she isn't already.
I think this will be a good move for our relationship as well. Currently she only sees me about 3 hours out of the day. When we enrolled her in this program this is what bothered me most, but I thought that the tutoring was something she needed so we made the sacrafice. Now, I'm not so sure the tutoring is as important as spending more time with us. I think I can handle helping her with her homework and giving her the one on one attention she needs and isn't able to get in this program.
What are your thoughts? Have any ideas on some good after school activites? The problem with things around here is that they cost an arm and a leg. We'll make it happen though.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:

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Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially to give it to you.
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Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or need for help for your own benefit.
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Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.
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"Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.
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Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or things.
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Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really is.''
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Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in reality you are actually feeling or acting in an ``unacceptable'' way for these people.
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Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the control and power.
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Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.
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Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.
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Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems alone.
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Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or changed.
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Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours alone.
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Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in your life.

I am amazed at how easily some people can manipulate. They say something here or make a comment there. They look a certain way or act another. Sometimes I wonder if they even realize they are manipulating. Maybe they are so used to it that they don't know they are doing it. Maybe it's all they've ever known.
Erin tries to manipulate me. She has in succeded on many occasions, but I am becoming more aware of manipulative tactics in her and others around me. It's difficult not to allow myself to be drug into the emotionalism that is created. It's hard not to feel guilty for not giving them what they want.

It's a good thing...

A husband who says yes and calls me sexy
A daughter who reminds me that there is adventure to be had in every moment
friends to laugh with, cry with, and just be with
yellow paint
women who teach me and share their life experiences with me
smaller pant sizes
omlets you can microwave
peace and quiet
a dog who adores me
friends who share in my journey to a healthier me and won't let me give up
an internet to conect us all


thanks for the idea Aola!

I've been talking to my twin sister a lot recently. I love talking to her and sharing the bits and pieces of our lives that we can over the phone, but it stirs up all these longings inside me. I want to be close to her. I want to see my neice and nephew grow up. I want to go shopping together and have our nails done. We are best friends seperated by thousands of miles. Twins have a conection that is completely unique to them. We were together from the moment of conception. We never spent more than one night apart until we were 17. When I moved away, leaving everyone was hard, but leaving her almost killed me. I'm trying to convince her to move closer to me or to move to my dads where we will be moving eventually, but she won't budge. I've considered kidnapping her and the kids. Whats the jail time on kidnapping anyway?
I'm off to shop for new art prints to decorate my warm yellow room.

Being a parent is hard. Anyone who tells you any different is either a liar or a bad parent. Things with Erin are rocky right now. She is returning to some negative behavior like telling lies and not completing homework. David, myself, and the teachers at school are trying to support her as much as we can, but some of the effort has to come from her and right now we just aren't seeing it. I hate to rely on medication, but in the past it made a 100% difference in her behavior at home and school. She went from getting bad reports every day to being on the honor roll and helping out with the younger classes. I'm sure some of that had to do with different teaching methods, but I believe that medication did play a role.
Things at the house haven't been as stable as I would like them to be either, but they are returning to normal. I know I shouldn't expect to see change overnight, but today was a really bad day on top of several not so good days for her. I see so much potential in her and it breaks my heart to see her strugle so much. She is a very smart child she just can't make herself be still long enough to finish an assignment. I'm calling her doctor tomorrow to get a referal to a behavioral specialist. I ordered a packet of information from concerta.net. I want to give her a fighting chance. I want her to know that we are rooting for her harder than anyone ever will and that we believe in her with every cell in our bodies. She is a good kid. She's smart, funny, and creative. She's worrying a lot right now about her peer group and boys. Her focus is not where it should be and getting it back on track is proving to be a challenge for us all. We will win this fight though and the rest that are sure to come.

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. For no reason inpaticular, it's been a very long week. All day Wendesday I was convinced it was Friday which made getting through today very difficult considering my brain kept registering it as Saturday and my body couldn't figure out why I made it get out of bed.
I had lunch with my friend Txus (pronounced like juice only with a ch at the begining) and I went out to lunch yesterday in celebration of her upcomming move to Oregon. I am truly sad that she is moving, but very excited for her. She and her family will surely enjoy the open space in their huge new home and the land it sits on! She is nevous and scared and feeling all of the emotions a person feels when they leave the place they call home, but I know she will build a new home and new community. She is a strong beautiful woman and I'm thankful to have her as a friend.

Aola's post reminded me of this poem I read a few nights ago.

Laughter Came From Every Brick
by Saint Teresa of Avila

Just these two words he spoke
changed my life,

"Enjoy Me"

What a burden I thought I was to cary-
a crusifix, as did He.

Love once said to me, "I know a song,
would you like to hear it?"

And laughter came from every brick in the street
and from every pore
in the sky.

After a night of prayer,
He changed my life when
He sang,

"Enjoy Me."

I have a situation and I need some advice on how to handle it. Several months ago I was given a promotion which came with a raise and an incentive program for signing up new members. Jast after getting both of these I became ill and was out of work for two weeks. When I went back to work Erin became ill. I only missed two days of work the entire time she was sick and I always had someone to cover for me.
On my thrid day back to work my boss called to inform me that she would not be giving me the raise that went along with the promotion. Her reasoning was that I am a mother and have a family to take care of and can not devote myself fully to the club. This took me by surprise because the day she told me that I had chosen not to stay in the hospital over night with Erin (David stayed with her) so that I could be at work because there was no one to cover. (This is a decision I completely regret now.) Needless to say I was more than upset by her decision and the fact that she had only taken the raise away and not the promotion. She still expected me to do the same ammount of work and be paid at a lower rate. She did give me an increase but it was not what we had agreed upon. Unfortunantly none of this is in writing. We smoothed things out and I came to a place where I was satisfied by the amount of work compared to the amount of pay. The pro's of the job and the fact that I love the members was enough for me to get over all that had happened. I also cut my boss some slack because she had just started a new job and I knew she was under a lot of preasure.
Fast forward to today. Our incentive agreement was that I would recieve a bonus for every 25 members that were signed up. When we talked about it, I made sure to clarify if the members needed to be signed up by me or any employee and she said that they could be signed up by any employee as long as there were 25 sign ups. Yesterday we reached the magic number and I e-mailed her to let her know. The following is a copy of the e-mails btween us.

From Me: "Also, I wanted to let you know that we have now signed up 25 members! We were at 26 new sign ups as of yesterday."

Her Responce: "That's great news about the new members, I saw that the other day. the only problem is that the amount of cancellations and month to month non renewals
is keeping us from increasing...we are still at the same total.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for everything"

My Responce: ".....Is the bonus still in effect?"

Her Responce: "Yes,
But we have to retain our members or the bonus doesn't make sense."


I have not responded to her last e-mail yet. I'm a little upset. She never mentioned anything about increasing the membership number by 25. She said we had to sign up 25 people. I understand that giving me a bonus when the revenue has not increased is probably not a wise business move for her, but she is the one who made the deal. Also, if those 25 members had not been signed up her membership would be even lower resulting in less income for her.
I am not a pushy person, but I do feel that when an agreement between to people is made (especially between an employer and an employee) the agreement should be kept.
I want to go forward in manner that lets her know I understand and even agree with her position and would be happy to have that as our agreement in the future but I feel like the agreement we made several months ago should be in effect for these 25 sign ups. What do you think? How would you handle it?