Our Christmas was a crazy one! We drove to my sister-in-law's house on Christmas eve. We played poker (I came in second!) and were Santa's little helpers putting together a kitchen set for Abbey. We stayed up far to late and were woken up by anxious children far too early. It was fun though. Erin was very excited to open her Game Cube. She had no idea that we had gotten it for her. In fact, I had done everything I could to convince her of the contrary. We spent most of Christmas day with Laurie and Abbey. Dan had to leave because his grandmother is very ill and his mom couldn't take care of her alone. It was too much of a reminder of Pam.
We spend the evening at my brother-in-law's house. The kids opened their presents from us and Erin opened her presents from that side of the family. It was fairly uneventful. We didn't get home until midnight. I was and still am tired from the trip. I think that has to do with the fact that I've been sick for the past week. I am feeling 100% better now. I'm even starting to form thoughts about a re-vamped workout/eating plan. Laurie wants to start losing weight as soon as she has the baby so we've made a little bit of a plan together. David also wants to lose some weight so we will all start together. I really have to get back on track. I haven't gained any weight, but I have lost muscle. I'm looking into buying an elliptical trainer. David bought me an mp3 player for Christmas so I have my motivational music loaded and ready to go.

Hi Ho Hi Ho it's off to work I go!

For anyone who needs a laugh.

Sandra The Elf

It's been so easy lately to fill my days with chores. There are presents to be wrapped, cards to send, recipes to try. These things are my scapegoats. I use them to occupy my time and avoid thinking about the last three weeks and a sadness that threatens to swallow me. There has been no memorial service for Pam and there won't be for some time. The ground in Oregon is frozen solid and the roads too treacherous to travel. A box is prepared for her ashes and they will wait there until spring. I'll admit that I am usually the first to make light of ceremonies and rituals, but I need to say goodbye. At times like these I miss community. David's family is spread thin; each doing their own thing. My family is close and connected celebrating, mourning, and experiencing life in close proximity. When my grandfather died we all came together to laugh and cry and heal. David's family splintered into their own cells within hours after Pam's death. It's made it very difficult for me to let go. I'm searching for a way to honor her and to let her go.

From "To Believe" by Karl Barth
found in "Watch For The Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas"
"So now here we stand, simultaneously deaf and mute like Zechariah. Ah yes, we only want to pretend to be next to him. In spite of his unbelief, he was still a herald of Advent, one who waited for God. Otherwise the angel would not have spoke with him. Nor would he have become the father of John the Baptist. When everything came to pass which he could not believe and could not express, then he was suddenly able to believe and speak. For God does not stand still when we come to a standstill, but precedes us with his deeds and only waits so that we can follow. And so we will accept - even with all that we cannot say, and with all that we have not yet heard - that we are also heralds of Advent. We will finally believe, and then we will also hear."

I'm trying this season to put myself in the place of those who awaited the birth of Jesus. To really understand what in meant to have the Messiah finally arrive. In doing so, I hope to make the coming of Christ, which I feel is a daily experience, more real in my life. I want to see his arrival in the ordinary and the extraordinary.

Brian McLaren on Heaven/Hell

It's been a crazy half week here. My work computer has been down since Friday. That means everything has to be completed manualy. It hasn't been to much of a pain, but it hasn't been fun either.
I've been sorting through Pam's things as I have the time and energy. I stop and cry and sort some more. I keep reminding myself to give me the time I need to grieve. There is no recipe for getting over the loss of someone you love. You just have to keep going and see where you end up. I know it isn't something we can "get through" because things will never be the same without her. We just have to adapt to life without her. Christmas will be a difficult time. She was soo good at giving thoughtful gifts and handmade cards. She made everyone feel special.

Erin had a doctors appointment yesterday and the doctor prescribed a new medicine. I'm not one to take medication lightly, but at this point I really think it's what is best for Erin. She is trying so hard to focus and pay attention, and it just isn't working. I feel like I need to give her every opportunity to succede.

We got our Christmas tree last night. It's big and beautiful. I can't wait to decorate.

I love this Advent Calender from Susan @ Visual Voice.
Gina came over a few nigthts ago and we decorated and stuffed 48 brown paper bags with little goodies for our own Advent Calenders. I've been thinking about how to celebrate Advent for the past few weeks. I want Christmas to mean more to Erin than presents under a tree. I ordered a book with Advent readings and devotionals a few days ago.

We had a Holiday Fair at Erin's school Friday night. I helped out with the bake sale part of it. It was really fun, and I did a little shopping while I was there. I bought some very nice handmade soaps from Julie. She's a super nice lady and her products are awesome! I got an herbal scrubbie soap and mint one.

Yesterday we went to Phil's house to go through Pam's things. The evil sister-in-law seems all to eager to get rid of them. My mind can't or won't accept all that has happened.

Grief builds up slowly
filling me drip by drip
until every part of me is heavy
with the loss of you