My eyes don't want to close. My body doesn't want to sit stll. My mind doesn't want to focus on one thing very long. Every thought traces it's way back to Pam. I've had to convince myself a milion times that what just happened really happened. I stop in the middle of doing dishes to ask myself if it was all just a bad dream. I'm worried that at the worst possible moment reality will set in and I will fall apart. I did my share of crying at the hospital but once we left it became easy to pretend that none of this really happened. Other than the stack of her clothes that sit on the chair in my bedroom and her suitcases that line my hallway, there is nothing to remind me that she is gone. Yesterday I was talking to David about a recipe I needed and he stopped in the middle of tellig me to call his mom. My heart breaks for him.

Pam passed away today. After talking with several doctors and asking a milion questions we decided that it was time to pull life support. Her kindeys were failing and her heart was starting to go. We saw no point in keeping her going when there was no hope that her lungs would recover. She put up a good fight, but it wasn't enough. I have cried so much I am out of tears. I am thankful that we went to see her as much as we did, and that I chose to have some alone time with her yesterday. I thanked her for my wonderful husband, and for all of her love and support. I told her to fight if there was anything left in her, but if there wasn't and she needed to let go we would all understand. I held her hand today as she took her last breath. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I waited half expecting her to open her eyes and ask me what was going on. Even now it doesn't seem real. Part of me expects to go back to the hospital tomorrow to see how she is doing. Part of me feels like the world should stop for just a moment, but life doesn't work that way. I want a place between life and death where you can stop to catch your breath. One where everything is suspended for just a moment. It feels like everything happened too fast.

Our Thanksgiving was an odd one. We went to the hospital yesterday morning and stayed until 12p.m. I started cooking as soon as I walked through the door and didn't stop until we ate at 7p.m. Our friends from Sacramento came and David's dad was here though he did't stay long. It was nice to take our mind off of all that was going on for just a little while.
I have to work today. That sucks. I'd rather be snuggled on the couch with my sweetie.

My mother-in-law is getting progressively worse. They put her on a ventilator yesterday morning. I wasn't able to go see her because Erin is not allowed in ICU, but from what I gather her eyes are really yellow which is a red flag. It seems very odd to me that they keep telling us her liver is doing well, and that the cause for all of this is an infection in her lungs, but her eyes are yellow. It's so difficult to not know what is going on. They did more cultures and a CT yesterday which should give us some more information today. All we can do is wait and see what they find out. They said they might try to take her off the ventilator today. I hope they will be able to.

Without much notice our guest list for Thanksgiving has doubled. We were planning on the three of us, my father-in-law and David's aunt. David invited a friend of his dad's and her grandmother and then other friends of ours called to say they were coming. We had invited them a week ago, but they didn't think they could make it. I love having everyone here, so I don't mind at all. I wish it were under better circumstances and that Pam would be joining us. We will spend part of the day at the hospital with her. If she is off the ventilator I'm going to take her a plate of food. Home cooking is good for the soul.

I love these slippers from Sleepyheads.com! I have them in pistachio and put the pink pair on my Christmas list. They are so soft and comfy! I wear mine so much they are falling apart!

David's mother is in the hospital with punemonia. She went in to begin the process of being put on the list for a liver transplant, but she could barely breathe. They sent her to the ER and from there she was admitted to the hospital. Luckily for her she is in a very good hospital and has a liver transplant team taking care of all of her medical needs so that it won't throw the transplant off track. We've been driving back and forth from San Francisco every day. I don't mind the drive, other than the traffic. San Francisco is an interesting city. As we drive through its bustling streets I imagine living in one of the many apartments and being a city girl. Funny, in my adventures as city girl, I'm almost always single. The mom part of me obviously realizes the city is no place to raise a family.
I've given up on ever moving to Pennsylvania. Who am I kidding anyway? David's mom is really sick and is not getting any better. The bitch she lives with, whose children she has taken care of for five years without pay, just told us that when my mother-in-law is no longer able to care for herself she will put her in a home. She even said that if my mother-in-law refused she would have her evicted from her home so that she would have no where else to go. How's that for a thank you? That should make the reason I don't want to spend holidays with my brother and sister-in-law painfully clear.
We have offered my mother-in-law a place to stay should she need it. I'm not convinced that she will chose to come and live with us, but our offer stands.
Given that I don't see moving to Pennsylvania as happening anytime in the near future, I've started the process of going to nursing school. I'm not sure how all the pieces will fit together. It's more than difficult to go to school and work full time, but there has to be a way. I'm determined to make it happen.

We have a visit from one of the "big" bosses today. I've heard that they only plan on visiting the stores that were just taken over in the Public Storage/Shurguard merger. I hope that is true and that they stay away from me. I also have a tenant coming in who is angry that we cut her lock and inventoried her space to get it ready for sale. I tried to explain to her that this is what happens when you pay at the last minute each month. I am not an evil storage ogre. I'm only doing my job. If you don't pay this is what happens. She used some obscene words on the phone with me, and I'm sure her in person visit will be the same. This is the part of the job I hate. People insist on blaming me for their inability to pay. It would be lovely if I could allow everyone to use their space without paying, but I live in a place called reality.

David and I made reservations at a lovely hotel for our anniversary only to find that his Dad's friends are throwing a birthday part for his 60th on Saturday. At first I was bummed, but then we found a hotel next to the place they are throwing the party. It's an ocean front hotel and they had a nice romance package for much less than we were paying at the other place. It's nice that it worked out this way. We were planning on having someone watch Erin, going out to dinner, and staying home which would have been fine as well, but now David's mom, sister, and niece will be staying here Saturday evening so they can attend the party.
I'm looking forward to our little getaway. It's only for the evening, but we don't normally have time to ourselves much less time to ourselves at a nice hotel on the beach. I'm checking now to see if the beach allows bonfires.

This posting everyday thing is obviously not working for me. I did post three times Friday. That has to count for something.
I spent yesterday organizing closets. It was just as exciting as it sounds. Today we took Erin and a friend of hers to the Disney Jingle Jam featuring Hannah Montana. The girls had a great time.
I'm searching for a romantic something for David and I to do on our sixth anniversary. I can barely believe it's been that long! The time has passed so quickly. I found a few packages at local hotels that sound really nice. I found one really neat place that does a bon fire on the beach. It's a bit pricey though. It's not like we can't make our own campfire on the beach.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic and sentimental today. I received an invitation from one of my best friends to attend Thanksgiving dinner at her house 3,000 miles away. It would thrill me to no end to be able to go. The more realistic vision is that I will be here, 3,000 miles away from all the fun. I love my husbands family, but their idea of celebrating isn't mine. They all sit in front of the television the entire time we are there. I dread the holidays for this reason

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

What City Do You Belong In?

I'm doing a fabulous job of posting every day! It's only been three days, and I've missed one of them.

Pictures from Halloween and our Murder Mystery party.

These are little mice cookies that Erin and I made. We labeled them "Baby Lab Rats". They were delicious!

This is our "Bloody Brain & Eyeballs". YUM!

Erin's Halloween costume. You'll notice the lovely eye lashes which were removed before she even started trick-or-treating.

And finally, It's Mary and Bert! I wish that we had taken this picture inside to get the full effect of the umberella, but it's bad luck to open one inside. :)

I tried for several minutes this morning to post photos of our trick-or-treat adventures last night with no success. Perhaps blogger was as tired from last nights haunted happenings as I was. Erin had a wonderful time. As she skipped from house to house begging ( in a socially acceptable way) for treats I remembered bits and pieces of the times I did the same. We weren't allowed to celebrate Halloween for several years, but when we did I was almost always a gypsy. I remember putting on my moms peasant skirt with a belt and her large hoop earrings that almost touched my shoulders. She would tie a bandana around my head and put a little color on my face. My sisters and I would race from house to house high on the thought of all the candy we would posses by the evenings end. Last night as I greeted fellow trick-or-treaters and treat givers I caught a little bit of that feeling again. I held it for a little while and relished its sweetness. Halloween to me is a night of magic not because of witches and warlocks or evil spells, but rather because of what could be. For one night in a long year of ordinary evenings we shed our inhibitions and become someone or something else. We imagine what life might be like if we were not limited to the skin we are in. Possibility opens herself up to include anything that can be imagined and princesses, faries, ninjas, and yes, even Mary Poppins makes an appearance.