Taylor Rowen Gerpheide is on her way. The doctor said she will probably be born tonight. Taylor's grandfather and I will leave this evening after work. I hope that I am there for her entry into the world. Laurie asked if I would like to be in the delivery room. I would love to be in the delivery room. I hope that I can be in the delivery room.

I wish that Pam were here to see her new grand-daughter. I wish that Pam were here to be with Laurie. I wish that Pam were here to capture all of these moments in one of her beautiful scrapbooks.

I tell myself I am brave and bold, but really I'm a chicken. I don't like to push myself beyond the safety net I've woven around me. This going back to school thing is not safe. There are too many opportunities to fail; too much is unknown. At least a dozen times since I held my breath and hit the "register now" button, I've thought about a way out of this. Who would think less of me for backing out? A mother and wife with a full time job has every right not to add another log to the fire. Quiting is not what I want. Wife and mother are beautiful titles that I'm honored to wear, but there is more.
For several years, I forgot what I wanted. My first year at college was spent under the guise of becoming an advertising mogul, a career path so contrary to my personality even one of my professors looked at me funny when I professed my major. I must confess, I only heard the cha-ching of the big money a career in advertising promised. I glossed over the fact that one must be cut throat in order to get those big bucks.
What I have come to remember during the past months as we planned to take care of Pam and then had to watch her leave us, is that all I really want to do is help people. The way that seems most natural to me is to nurse people back to health when I can and sit with them when I can not. Thankfully, as a child I had no human subjects to work with, but I did have animals. When our cat gave birth to still born kittens, I was certain there was a way to bring them back to life. On my back porch out of my mom's line of vision, I pushed softly on their tiny bellies giving them my own version of kitten CPR. When that failed, I wrapped each one, said a prayer for them, and buried them in the back yard. When I start to get fearful of this path, when I feel like it's too much, I think about those kittens, the frog I tried to save once, or the little baby that will need my knowledge to help it win it's fight for life. It's melodramatic I know, but something has to be stronger than the fear.


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Incase you were wondering, my first class went down like this.

In the parking lot of Mission College, minutes before I had to be in class, I smacked into a parked car. The damage wasn't huge, but everything in me spun out of control. I couldn't think straight enough to remember my name! I thought I should jump in the truck, drive home, and hide under the covers. Then I realized that I am an adult. Hiding under the covers hasn't been an option for years. So, I did the adult thing and left a note for the driver of the other vehicle. I then went on to class, scared of what waited for me there and what might wait for me back at my car when the other driver saw what I'd done. The class wasn't as scary as I'd imagined. The professor was funny and kind. I think he could see the fear in my eyes. The students were typical 18 year-old know-it-all's, dressed in yesterday's clothes scented with alcohol. It will take all my willpower not to try and mother them.
The driver of the other car left me a voicemail. Her voice was sweet and her tone under control. She just asked that I give her a call back so we can exchange insurance information.

What was I so affriad of?

I went to an OA meeting, brunch, and shopping with my friend Nicky today. Sometimes I forget how important it is for me to spend time with her. She helps me to see things in different ways rather than just viewing them through my little tunnel. Some comments that were made during the OA meeting reminded me of some of the conversations we have here in blogdom about living in a patriarchal society. All of the women were at least twenty years older than me. Their perception of life as a woman is colored by the decades they grew up in. I explained to Nicky that I simply didn't have those same feelings. I never looked at any situation and thought I might not be able to handle/do it because I am a woman. I have thought I might fail in many situations for a variety of other reasons, but never because of my gender. Nicky smiled when I said this because her generation struggled through bra burning and more to ensure that generations of women after them would never be defined only by their gender.

I did it. As of 5:55 p.m., I am enrolled in two college courses. Granted, one of them is a CPR course, but that isn't the point. I wasn't expecting it, but enrolling stirred up a little fear inside me. It's been almost eight years since I've taken any courses other than electives. This is a small start, but at least it's a start. Besides, isn't the first step supposed to be the hardest?

Laurie just called to let me know that the baby's head has dropped and that she is 2 cm dialated! I'm on call to leave at any moment to take care of Abbey while Laurie and Dan are at the hospital. I'm really excited though I do hope that she goes into labor on the weekend so David can make the 3 hour drive with me.

Lately life feels like it's on auto-pilot. There doesn't seem to be anything below the surface. It doesn't make for very interesting blogging. That's for sure.

It's poker night! I just have to make it through another four hours of work. The first four hours have been crazy so surviving the last four could be a challenge. I'm making a delicious chicken enchilada bake tonight. It's a recipe Aola gave me some time ago.
Erin and I are going to PA in March! I am so excited. It's been too long since I've seen my family. My step-sister is getting married on St. Patrick's day. It should be fun. I don't know how I'll manage to contain myself until then. I think I'll hug everyone until they make me stop.
I'm also planning a trip to OK in April. Seeing all of my family within a few weeks of each other is as sweet as it gets!

It's a lazy morning here. I have an hour until I start work and I'm planning on using the majority of it to do nothing. Yesterday was a crazy day at work. It's tough working at a job I'm not thrilled about.
My twin sister is at the doctors office this morning. She's been having "girl" trouble for several months now and the doctor at the local hospital keeps blowing her off. It's really starting to aggravate me. He should be glad that I don't live close enough to go over and have a talk with him. She is at another doctor's office now and I'm waiting for a phone call from her to see what is going on.
Erin seems to be doing well on her new medication. I spoke with her teacher on Tuesday and she said that she had a really good day. I hope that it continues. We are in the middle of planning her 11th birthday. Planning a party can be so complicated when you don't have a house with a lawn. Everything here is so expensive. They know that most people don't have the room to throw a kids party and they take full advantage of it. One place is $270 just for the party room and some indoor jump houses. That doesn't include any of the food which you must purchase from them. And it's the same price if you have 5 kids or 25 kids. We settled on the local miniature golf/go cart place. It also has an arcade and bumper boats though I think it will be too cold for them to be running. The best part is that it's only $12.99 per child which includes 10 tokens, two slices of pizza, unlimited drink, and a round of miniature golf. And I only have to pay for the kids that show up. Given the fact that everyone here tends to be a little flaky, this is what sold me.
Speaking of parties, David's 30th birthday is just around the corner and I really want to plan something special. Any ideas?

On Behalf Of Love
St. Thomas Aquinas
from love Poems From God by Daniel Ladinsky

Every truth without exception-no matter
who makes it-is from God.

If a bird got accused of sining too early
in the morning,

If a lute began to magically play on it's own
in the square
and the enchanting sounds it made drove a pair of young lovers
into a wild, public display of passion,

If this bird and lute then got called before the inquisition
and their lives were literally at stake,

Could God not walk up and say before the court,


"All acts of beauty are mine, all happen on behalf of love"?

And while God was there, testifying for our heart's desires,
hopefully the judge would be astute enough
to brave a question,
that could go,

"Dear God, you say all acts of beauty are yours,
surely we can believe that. But what of all actions
we see in this world,

For is there any force in existence greater than the power
of your omnipresent hand?"

And God might have responded, "I like that question."
adding "may I ask you one as well?"

And then God would say,

"Have you ever been in a conversation when children entered
the room, and you then ceased speaking because your
wisdom knew they were not old enough
to benefit-to understand?

As exquisite is your world, most everyone in it
is spiritually young.

Spirituality is love, and love never wars with the minute, the day,
one's self and others. Love would rather die
than maim a limb,
a wing.

Dear, anything that divides man from man,
earth from sky, light and dark, one religion from another....
O, I best keep silent, I see a child
just entered the
room."

I'm probably the last person to watch "The Devil Wears Prada". I loved it! I thought it was sweet and funny. David even managed to sit through the entire movie even though he had said he would play a game or something while I watched it. Erin watched half of it with us and then retreated to her room to work on a puzzle.
It's a lazy Sunday here at the Jackson house. I'm just now making breakfast. We have Godfather I & II on our movie line up for the day. I plan on staying in my pj's all day and not feeling the list bit guilty for it. I have slight symptoms of a cold. I'm using those as my excuse to do nothing.
Enjoy your Sunday!

Lately life has been fairly routine. It's audit season and my job has taken on a level of stress I don't appreciate. While I am thankful for the apartment we live in free-of-charge, having living arrangements that are directly related to my job is uncomfortable.
I've enrolled in two classes. I'm very excited to get started, but worried that it will be too much for me. I'm already tired all the time. Perhaps school is what I need to spark my energy.
David has a cold. There is nothing worse than a sick man. It's funny how a slight cough and sore throat can bring him to his knees. He lies on the couch moaning and groaning. I take pleasure in reminding him that when I am sick I still cook dinner, clean house, and take care of Erin. I try to feel sorry for him, but mostly I want to roll him up in his blanket and stuff him in the closet until he feels better. Rather cold hearted of me isn't it? I have a very low tolerance for whining.

On a ship sitting in a bay lit up by fireworks and the lights of San Francisco, we said goodbye to a year that has been more difficult for us than any other and welcomed in a new one. We danced until our feet hurt. The music was loud, the crowd was huge, and our spirits were high. I just finished reading "Tuesdays With Morrie" (ten years late.) and with the lessons of the book fresh on my mind, I threw inhibition to the wind and danced like no one was watching. David spun me until I was dizzy. A dance teacher once told him that all a guy needs to do to make a girl happy is spin her on the dance floor and he took him seriously. I laughed more than I have in months and it felt even better than I remember.