I've been frantically worrying about where we will live when we move. For several weeks I've been searching the classified adds hoping to find something, anything. My grandmothers offer for us to live with her, while gracious, has become more impractical the more I've thought about it. Her house is very small and moving us in would mean moving other things out, things that have been their longer than I've lived. I've prayed in that "dear God what are we going to do" sort of way. Yesterday my step-mother called with an offer that left me speechless. She and my dad will be moving from their home into my step-sisters home so that my step-grandparents can move in with them making it easier for her to care for them. She wants us to move into their home and help take care of the place. I am relieved to have this option, but devastated by the circumstances behind it. My step-sister is going through some really serious things right now and could use your thoughts/prayers. It seems that our move there couldn't have been timed more perfectly. My step-mom and sister are going to need a great deal of support.

I remember

In my family Memorial day meant visiting all the local cemeteries where generations of McConnell's and Horner's were buried, pulling up the dead flowers and weeds and planting new fresh flowers in their place. I never understood it. I had never lost anyone close to me and it seemed like more physical labor than was necessary on a summer day. Now I understand. The flowers were more than ornamentation they were words, prayers, wishes, memories all bundled up in a bouquet of color and placed on an alter. They were my grandparents way of saying "We remember and we'll never forget." I can not travel to all the cemeteries and leave flowers. These words will have to do.

Grandpa Harry, I'll never forget walking from your house to grandma's with you ever day. You taught me that a single slice of American cheese is as good a snack as any and that the only furniture a room really needs is a chair to sit in and a record player to listen to.

Grandma Potts, I'll never forget spending the weekends with you, ordering groceries from the local grocer who still delivered in his beat up blue ford, and fixing your hair for church on Sunday. You taught me that you should never cut the tops off of artificial Christmas trees and that faith is always enough.

Chris, I'll never forget the time you called me to ask if I'd lost weight and when I asked how you could tell that over the phone you said "because your voice sounds lighter." You taught me to laugh at myself.

Dianna, I'll never forget the last day we spent together. You told me the water in the pool was warm. You lied! I've never seen anyone laugh so hard. You taught me that life can be far too short so I may as well squeeze it all in now.

Grandpa Dale, I'll never forget the time I found your love letters to grandma or the way you could tickle me by wiggling your finger. You taught me that to love is to give something of yourself.

Granny Morrison, I'll never forget our argument about drinking coke for breakfast. You taught me that you're never too old for change.

Pam, I'll never forget the time we made the "mile high apple pie" because we forgot to cut holes in the crust. You taught me how to scrapbook and showed me that remembering the good times feels much better than holding on to the bad ones.

Aunt Thelma, I'll never forget the time you and grandma Lou built the damn in the creek behind her house. You were laughing and splashing "like a couple of school girls" as grandpa put it. You're hugs always felt so sincere. You taught me that a cousin can be a best friend.

Nanny Duncan, I'll never forget the time you dried my shoes in the oven because you thought it would be faster. They had big black burns across the bottom sole and smelled like burnt rubber for weeks! You taught me that someone doesn't have to be a blood relation to love them like they are your own.

Feeln' a creative vibe

Today the creative juices are flowing. I'm not sure if it's a result of the new tablet David got me for Mother's day or all the creative blogs I've been visiting recently. Whatever it is, I'm not going to complain. I'm trying to get back in the groove of selling my graphics online, but I'm also not putting any pressure on myself. I've been playing with the camera too and learning more about editing digital images. Here are a couple of the images I've edited along with some nifty faux frame/border things.

My Husband, My Therapist

Sometimes I forget how amazing he is. I forget that I married him because after being with him for only a handful of minutes it felt like I'd known him my whole life (all 19 years of it). Then we talk and I remember.

Saturday means work as usual for me. I'd rather go shopping. The weather has been beautiful all week but today looks like rain. I hope it doesn't spoil our plans to go to the beach tomorrow. David's new job only gives him one weekend off a month and we are planning on taking full advantage of our Sunday off as a family. Laurie is taking the kids to see Shrek 3 today. Abbey is a huge Shrek fan and even had him (not a princess like you would expect) visit her birthday party. David's dad's band, The Off Ramp, is playing at a local bar tonight and we are supposed to go if we can find a baby sister. The last time we went I got kicked out for not having my ID. Really embarrassing!

Pam's Memorial Page

I finished this today. All of the graphics are from Jen Wilson

Confession

For several months I have been depressed. I was very good and telling myself it wasn't depression. In my mind depression has always equaled weakness and I am not weak. When I stopped going to the park to walk every day I told myself I was just taking a much needed break. When I stopped going out with friends I told myself I was too busy. When I stopped calling friends it was because I don't like talking on the phone. When the commercial about depression hurting everywhere made me cry I told myself I was just being emotional. After all, I was still laughing and smiling and no one seemed to notice anything was different so it was easy to pretend that nothing was. On the inside I was numb. Depression scares me because I don't understand it. I don't understand how I can be so happy about planning a vacation and yet feel so sad I just want to curl up on my bed and cry or how I can laugh hysterically and be on the verge of tears. I'm making choices now to help myself through. I started working out again. I'm talking to friends who have been there too. I'm choosing not to keep it a secret.

For Mother's Day Laurie and I got manicures and pedicures. As my feet were primed and polished I thought of Pam and how we always said we would go to the spa together. We put it off for one reason or another and it turns out we never got to go. The realization that life isn't going to wait on me to run through my list of excuses before doing something is one of the reasons I decided to go on vacation with Laurie. Life really is to short not to do what you want, to not be happy. Of course there are many things I won't be able to do, but I might as well do what I can.

Our big move is months away and we haven't planned anything. I'm trying not to freak out. I think I'm doing a fine job of looking put together, but on the inside I'm a wreck. Moving a life across the country is a big deal. I'm glad we have family there and a soft place to land. I'm contemplating what should stay and what should go. I should be spending days of sorting and deciding, but I'm not.

I know it may seem like a strange Mother's Day wish, but it pulled at my heart strings. You don't have to have a child to be a mother. Mother's are those who nurture and care for their fellow humans. It's those people who realize that we are all connected and understand that when one of us cries all of our cheeks are stained with tears, when one of us hurts each of recoil from the pain, when one of us laughs a piece of each of us laughs with them. Love and be kind to one another and yourself.

Book Exchange

I've been thinking about this for a while. Would anyone be interested? We could work out the details once we know who wants to be involved. I was thinking along the lines of each person posting books they have that they wouldn't mind parting with. If you see one you want you let that person know and they could send it to you. It's either this or I open an account on Amazon to start selling my books. :)

We are finally planning Pam's memorial service. (We had to wait until spring because she wanted her ashes buried with her parents ashes.) I would like to read "Death" from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran,(Thanks Aola for posting that after Pam's death.) but know that I won't hold up long enough. Instead I'm going to create a scrapbook page to be displayed. Pam taught me to scrapbook so it seems a fitting tribute.

I can not blog now. Jane has just left Thornfield and is sleeping in a forest. I must find out what happens next.

Late night entertainment...

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