It's snowing here. The sky is filled with fluffy white flakes. Erin is beside herself in anticipation of playing in it, but despite her eagerness, it's not sticking. The ground isn't warm enough yet, but in time it will be. I hope we knew what we were getting ourselves into when we abandoned the sunny warm winters of California for the chilly white ones of Pennsylvania.
I took some new photos of Erin yesterday. I wanted to make sure she wasn't feeling left out with all of the photos of Hayden I've been taking. I also wanted to try out an umbrella light I got. I think the results were pretty good. My mom has been telling me for a while now that I need to venture into the professional side of photography, but I'm just not sure. It seems I always doubt myself when it comes to this type of thing. I'm going to give it a try and see what comes of it. At the very least I'll get a little more practice and I'll be doing something I love.

Everyone told me how little sleep I would get, but they never mentioned how much I wouldn't mind the lost hours of slumber. They never told me that seconds with him would be so delicious I'd gobble them all up and still not be full. Even when he is crying and fussy, which he almost never is, I love being with him. At night I pull his cradle as close to the bed as I can and fall asleep with my hand caressing his chubby little face. If I weren't so afraid of suffocating him he'd sleep next to me.

Today for the first time, I ventured out without him. It was only for an hour and we just went to pick up a few things from the store. I didn't worry about him while I was gone. He was with his great grandma who loves him like crazy.

Erin is working through some things, very difficult things. Life hasn't been easy or fair for her. I console her as much as possible, but let her feel what she is feeling. I'm trying to get her to see the full side of life. I want her to know that bad things happen, but that doesn't make life bad. I want her to see that bad things happen to good people so anything that has happened to her isn't a reflection of her worth or value. This is where she struggles the most. She wraps her value up in everything that has happened and she blames herself. I tell her it could never be her fault. She was young and innocent and perfect. She still is. It's so sad that adult actions have consequences that break a child like this. She is broken, but I think she is on the mend. She's talking about things and working through them. It's tough to walk through this with her. There are times when she lashes out and I forget that it has everything to do with all that has happened and nothing to do with me. I lose my cool and rant and rave. Then I remember and say I'm sorry. We hug and she opens up a little more about what she's really feeling. Each time it brings us closer to a day when she'll be whole again. A day when she can look in the mirror and know that none of this was her fault. I can't wait for that day.

A silly little poem to celebrate fall!

What The Falling Leafs Say

I know what the falling leafs say.
Old Man Winter is on his way.

He's coming! He's coming! They quietly call,
As they slowly begin their fall.

They paint the sky in brilliant hues,
shouting out their dreadful news.

They twist , turn, and spin in the air.
Landing here, there, and everywhere!

Covering the earth like a calico sheet.
they rustle and crackle under my feet.

They sing a song of Winters return
and of the Summer days for which they yearn.

If you listen closely you will hear them call
Goodbye Summer. Hello Fall.

Because yesterday he turned 3 weeks old!

Pluming problems seem to follow us. Our sewage line is broken just underneath the driveway. The basement is a mess of nasty yucky sewage water. Luckily it's draining now, but it will be a few days before the line is repaired.
Our dryer went out last week and still isn't fixed. We're waiting on the parts store to let us know the part is in.
I'm learning all about Primum Atrial Septal Defects and researching where to go for my surgery. The surgeon I'm seeing next week is a very well known heart surgeon, but I'm not sure he has ever done this type of surgery, and if someone is going to be operating on my heart, I want to make sure they've done it successfully many times.
Hayden continues to be amazing. He's breastfeeding at every feeding and I'm supplementing formula. We'll keep doing whatever it takes.
I keep waiting for life to take on some sort of normalcy. Doctor's visits for Hayden, Erin, and myself keep us running from one place to the next. I'm ready for things to slow down.

It's hard to be sad when life is so beautiful. We drove into town yesterday, something we do entirely too often. The view as we wound our way through the mountains was breathtaking. The fall foliage is ablaze with shades of red, orange, and yellow. We live in farm country and the landscape is littered with farm houses and big red barns. Erin and I comment on our favorite houses every time we pass by them. One of our favorites is a modest two story white farm house with a wrap around porch complete with two rocking chairs. I imagine what it would be like to sit in one of those chairs and sip coffee on a crisp fall morning.
My grandma and aunt made a surprise visit last night. One of the local chemical plants had a chemical leak that caused a cloud of sulfuric acid. My grandma's house was in the evacuation area and when we couldn't reach them by phone David went to check on them, but they weren't home. Shortly after he got back they showed up here. They had been at bible study when the sirens went off. Luckily no one was seriously injured and the chemical cloud has dissipated. While they were here, we played Disney Scene It. My aunt is the Disney queen! She is the reason I love Pollyanna and Peter Pan. I'm almost certain she owns every Disney movie ever made. My grandma fed and cuddled Hayden while we played. She refused to lay him down in his bassinet to sleep.
Speaking of Hayden, he is growing so fast! He weighed 9.6 at his first doctors appointment. I'm torn between wanting him to grow and wanting him to stay a baby forever.
Erin is amazing with him. She hold him and talks to him. She tells him how handsome he is and showers him with affection. It makes my heart melt!

Slowly, I'm working through the events of the last few weeks. It's a lot for a mind to process all at once. I'm grieving over the birth experience I didn't have. I thought and planned and researched so much only to have nothing turn out as expected. I had expectations of a natural labor and Hayden being placed in my arms while David cut the cord. I am extremely grateful to have a healthy baby boy and to be here with him, but a part of me feels cheated. Adding to this feeling of loss is the high possibility that I will not be able to have any more children. As someone who has always wanted a large family, this is a hard pill to swallow. Of course there is always adoption, and ultimately I may be able to have more children. We just aren't sure at this point. Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful to have Erin and Hayden. I feel blessed beyond measure, but to have a doctor tell you that you can not have anymore children seems so final.

Hayden and I are working on breast feeding. I feel like so much of what happened was out of my control that this one thing is something I can take charge of. My supply is very low, but Hayden is so patient. Even after 2 weeks of formula feeding he is still latching on. David is picking up a hospital grade pump today so that I can get the most out of each pumping and I'm looking into ordering a Supplemental Nursing System. Hopefully my production will pick up and I can breast feed like I want to. It's so important to me.

I just want to take a few minutes to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers while I was in the hospital. They were felt! At a time when I could have lost it the light you all sent truly lifted me up and allowed me to see things from a perspective of something much bigger than myself.
So, thank you all a million times over!

The Hayden shaped hole in my heart.

We left for the hospital at 2 a.m. on September 24th. My contractions were 4 minutes apart and were lasting 90 seconds each. When we arrived at the hospital they took my blood pressure and it was high, but not alarmingly so. The labor proceeded naturally. As the contractions worsened, Hayden's heart rate dropped and then stopped on three occasions because the umbilical cord was being compressed. They moved him around and added an internal monitor to make sure he was okay. Meanwhile my blood pressure continued to climb. I was put on magnesium sulfate to reduce the chance of seizure and the labor continued naturally. The magnesium slowed the progression of labor so pitocen was hung.  I don't recall anyone asking me if that was okay.  the pitocen made the contraction feel  100 times worse but less productive.  I asked for an epidural and was given two.  The first wore off in 20 minutes and the second never took. I entered the pushing phase with immense relief. I was ready to push this baby out! I pushed for an hour and twenty minutes and made no progress. Hayden was just too big. All the while my pressure climbed and climbed reaching 210/110. The pain was awful, but my main concern was my blood pressure. I could hear the fear and concern in the doctors voices as they discussed the situation. At one point I asked the doctor if I was going to die. She didn't respond. I then begged for a c-section fearing that anymore pushing my blood pressure would go even higher. The doctor was worried that my blood pressure would bottom out if they had to cut me and they might lose me. She said she was going to see if she could use the vacuum to help bring Hayden out and if that didn't work she would do the c-section. When she checked, Hayden was not close enough to vacuum out. They immediately rushed me in for an emergency c-section. I was given a spinal block which did not take so they had to put me under. During the surgery my pressure bottomed out just as the doctor had suspected it would.  
I woke up in a daze as they told me my son was perfectly healthy and weighed 9lbs! I had hoped to see him, but it wasn't meant to be. My temperature spiked and I was placed in ICU with what they originally thought was pneumonia, but later found out was an infection of the uterus. My water had broken early without me knowing it resulting in the infection. 
Once my temperature was under control the doctor gave the okay for Hayden to come and see me and shortly thereafter I was released back to the labor and delivery unit. Again, our time was cut short. My blood pressure increased and they placed me on a monitored unit. They were very understanding and gave me a private room where Hayden was able to visit.
Throughout all of this the cardiologist was looking at my chest x-rays, which were taken because they thought I had pneumonia, and determined that one side of my heart was larger than the other. They did an ultrasound on my heart and found what they thought was a hole. The doctor ordered a TEE which is the most awful test ever invented. Despite the anesthesiologist claim that she gave me plenty of sedation, I remember every second of the test. Unfortunately the test confirmed the doctors suspicions. I had a hole in my heart. The cardiologist thought that I needed a heart transplant and at the very minimum immediate open heart surgery.  His recommendation was that I be taken to a hospital in Pittsburgh to be seen by a cardiac specialist.  Needless to say, my world turned around a few million times in the space of a few minutes. I went to the hospital expecting to come home with a baby and was being told I would be having open heart surgery. I was transported by ambulance to AGH where I underwent a Cardiac MRI another agonizing test where I was stuck in a small tube for one and a half hours and tormented with breathing exercises. This test confirmed the hole in my heart and gave the doctors more information regarding it. The good news from this test was that I only had one hole in my heart. Up until this point they had suspected a hole in both chambers of the heart. My final procedure was a Cardiac Cath. While slightly unnerving, this test was the best of the worst. Watching a monitor as a catheter is snaked through your heart is a strange experience. This test provided a measurement of the pressures in my lungs and heart. Basically it allowed the doctors to see how much of the blood flow in my heart was being diverted by the hole. The results were that roughly 1/3 of the blood in my body only makes its way from the heart to the lungs and never circulates through the rest of my body. The good news was that given the pressure and condition of my heart, which was very good despite having lived the last 29 years with a hole, the cardiac specialist and surgeons agreed that I could come home, be with by new baby and family, and recover from all that has happened. The surgeons words to me were "You've lived with this for 29 years. It's not going to kill you in a few weeks or a few months, or even a few years. This is something that would take years." And so it was agreed that I would come home. I'm still on a dose of antibiotics to clear up any infection. I'm also on two types of blood pressure medication until my blood pressure is under control. And I will have to have open heart surgery at some point in time. For now, I am here with my precious boy who saved my life. If I hadn't had him who knows when they would have found the hole in my heart. The doctors suspect it would have been years from now and that by the time it was noticed I would be in heart failure. Throughout the hospital stay and the endless testing, the thing I kept reminding myself of was that I could miss these moments with Hayden if it meant that I would be here for all the rest and that is exactly how I expect this all to work out. I gave up the first week of his life so that I will be here for every delicious moment that remains. Nothing happened the way I expected it to, but everything happened the way it was meant to. One night in the hospital I prayed like I have never prayed before. I asked God to let it all be over and let me come home and be with my baby. The little voice that responded said that everything that had happened up to that point had been for a reason. Now I can see that it was true.