If I could bottle the scent of the breeze this morning and send it to each of you, I would. It's intoxicating.
My dreams are full of Hayden. He is here and I forget him in the grocery store or forget to feed him. I know the dreams are my subconscious way of dealing with my fears and anxiety so I don't let them bother me.
Erin spent the night with a friend. Her name is Sara and she seems very nice. They live a few houses away from us which puts me at ease. I'm learning to be a little better at the giving part of my relationship with Erin. I'm starting to see that rewarding her for small changes in behavior have a big impact. I'm a strict parent by nature, and she is a free spirit. It's a difficult situation, but one we are learning to navigate.
With David at work and Erin at school my days are free. I've been making baby things. It's good to have something to do that I enjoy doing.


This is a hat and kimono set I made for Hayden. I'm worried that the kimono may be too small, but I have more fabric to make another one.



This is a grasshopper hat that will probably be way to warm for him. I'm in love with baby hats!

To Erin on her firt day of Junior High

Dear Erin,

You started seventh grade today in a new school worlds away from everything familiar. Anyone who has been there knows how hard seventh grade can be without having moved across the country and leaving everything and one you know. I am so proud of how brave you are! As I watched you pick out your first-day-of-school outfit and helped you fix your hair, this mama's heart swelled with emotion. A twin, I never had to go it all alone. I always had aunt Brandy to walk with me. You my dear braved the treacherous waters of the first day of Junior High with absolute bravery and you looked beautiful doing it!

Dropping you off at the bus stop felt a little like feeding a lamb to wolves. There were older kids smoking, girls in questionable clothing, and boys being boys. Everything in me wanted to board the bus with you and protect you from all that could happen. Instead, I said a prayer that you would find friends who would support you and encourage you to be you. In a perfect world everyone on the bus and at your school would be loving, kind, and supportive and kids would encourage one another to be themselves and make healthy choices. In reality kids are confused, self conscious, and unsure. My hope is that if and when the worst does happen and one of these kids is mean to you, you'll remember that it's only because of this, and has nothing to do with you. You are beautiful, funny, creative, and kind. Be yourself with those around you and you'll inspire others to do the same.

We finished our last birthing class on Tuesday. I'm sad that we won't be going back. They did mention a reunion class once everyone has had their babies. That would be so much fun.
I learned more than I expected from the class and more importantly I gained some confidence when it comes to giving birth. I'm still nervous, but I feel more of an "I can do this" feeling than a " Holly crap how can I do this?" feeling. I'm leaving the choice to use medication wide open. I have a very low tolerance for pain medication, but then again I'm not sure my tolerance of pain is any better.
David is enjoying his job. He switches shifts today which means he won't have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning anymore. That makes him very happy. He is not a morning person at all.
Erin has 7th grade orientation tonight. I'm excited and nervous for her. I really hope that she'll have the wisdom to chose good friends this time around. I know she has it in her.
I have no idea what to do with myself. There are things to be done around the house, but I can't do any of them. Most of them involve moving heavy objects. Hopefully David will move some things before he goes to work so I can organize a little more. We still have to replace the carpet in Hayden's room and paint. Before either of those can be done we have to remove a dresser, desk, and cabinet. It's so frustrating to not be able to do those things on my own! Even more frustrating is the fact that we don't have a second car yet. So, I am stuck here during the day. Hopefully that will be remedied soon.

Fun stuff!

Thanks for such a fun site Kristen! I had fun updating my look while David watched tv last night. He made sure to give his opinion. The first one is something I'd like to try if I can keep myself from cutting my hair. The second is just for fun. I think I could be a little more adventurous in the makeup area.

It's beautiful here today; the kind of beautiful that seeps in through your pores and makes you deliriously happy. Were I not 8 months pregnant, I'd go canoing or take Erin and David on an adventure hike through the same woods my friend Becky and I used to take adventure hikes in. But, pregnancy being what it is, neither of those options have a high chance of ending well. Instead, I'll be content to just to be outside. We'll mow the lawn and bbq while soaking up the sun.

Home Sweet Home

This is now home. I'll add some images of the inside once we're finished decorating. Hopefully that won't be too much longer.

While cleaning out the attic, I found a print of the poem "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann. I remember buying the print at a yard sale as a teenager. It spoke to me then, and it speaks to me now.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Because I do have a tripod. :)

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." - Anais Nin


In an attempt to better understand Erin and my relationship with her, I am reading "Girl In The Mirror". This opening quote drew me in immediately. Not only does it apply to Erin whose physical self is maturing much more quickly than her mental and emotional self, it applies to me. When Erin is pushing all of my buttons, which she does often, I return to immature me. I rant and rage and consider pulling my hair out while kicking and screaming on the floor.

My friend Jen P. and I have had several conversations about what we expected out of life when we were in our teens. We imagined that at some magical age (like 23)the heavens would open up and reveal the path of least resistance. We, being old and wise by 23, would take that path and live happily ever after. Imagine our surprise when we discovered that life has no rhyme or reason, no well worn path to follow. In my early twenties this caused me much frustration. I imagined that everyone else had it all figured out, and that I alone was in the dark. Now I understand that we all grow unevenly, and that the only way to really know yourself is to tear your way through whatever comes next. Life is beautiful/amazing and dirty/gritty all at the same time. Any path of least resistance that may exist isn't worth taking because when you arrive at the end of it you won't be changed by the experience.

As Erin and I struggle through these teen years, I hope I am able to remind myself that I don't have to have it all figured out and that I am in the process of growing just as much as she is.

David left early this morning for his first day of work. He works about an hour away which is slightly farther than I am comfortable with, but with family so close I'm not worried.
He is working for (Cara, please cover your eyes.) Wal-Mart. I know that this means he too is contributing to the downfall of society as a whole, but they offered him substantially more $$ than the other offers he received and it's a supervisor position which will be excellent experience. I of course was hoping he would put his rather expensive education to use, but in the end he had to take the job that offered the most. Overall he is excited about the job and developing more management skills, and ultimately his happiness is what matters to me, that and being able to keep the lights on.
In other news, we enrolled Erin in school yesterday. She is excited about all that 7th grade has to offer which means she's really happy to be around boys again. As a woman who was pretty much scared to death of boys, I'm having a very difficult time relating to this stage in her life. Her father isn't handling it very well either. We both want her to be seven and repulsed by boys again.
Hayden is growing at lighting speed which means my belly is protruding father than ever. If I had four hands and better lighting I'd take photos so you could see for yourself.
We are a month into Pennsylvania living and things are different than I expected, but in a good way. Living here as an adult is not the same as it was living here as a teenager, it's much better. I know who I am now and I can better appreciate the quiet beauty that surrounds us. As a teenager I was eager to expand and explore. As an adult who has expanded a little and explored a little more, I'm comfortable in choosing this as the place I want to be. David, having grown up in Oregon, loves the landscape and lifestyle as much as I do. It took Erin and few weeks to adjust, but she's starting to come around. Last night, she was out catching firefly's, and she's finally admitted that it isn't too green here after all.

We got the call today. David got a job! YIPEE! It's a huge weight off of my shoulders just knowing he has a job and we won't have to use all of our savings to stay afloat. Everyone, take a deep sigh of relief with me. :)

Back In The Land Of High Speed

Luckily the connection is faster than the customer service our new phone/internet company provides. They sent our wireless modem to the wrong address twice. In the end we had to pick it up from a neighbors house that it was incorrectly sent to. At least we got to meet the neighbors.
Our house was in an almost normal state until we finally started unpacking. Now there are boxes everywhere! I'll tackle them one box at a time.
We're halfway through our birthing classes and I'm feeling more and more confident about making birthing plan choices. Of course it will all look easy on paper, but I'm well aware that the actual labor part will be a whole other story.
If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you probably know that part of what I love about this place is my family's history here. I love feeling connected to the land by generations. Last week David and I visited the "big house" with my grandma. The big house is the house my great-great grandparents bought along with the farm it sits on. My grandmother gave birth to all of her children there and my sisters and I even spent a few summers living in it with my dad. In recent years it's been turned into a storage of sorts with everyone putting their items there. A few years ago some jerk decided that whatever was there was in the house was free for the taking. From what we know they broke into the house several times and took an antique dresser, china cabinet, marbles, and several other items. While I was sad about those things, I was devastated to find out that they stole the old family photo album which was full of tin type photos. We are going back one more time to check and make sure it wasn't thrown into a corner, but I'm almost certain it's gone. I know it's just a photo album, but I loved being able to see the history of our family.