He sleeps peacefully, his still bald head cradled perfectly in the curve of my arm. Impossibly small lungs expand and contract in a rhythm twice the speed of my own. His soft breath warms my cheek and I can't imagine a better feeling. Years from now when this life gives way to whatever is next this will be the memory on my lips, the story I tell to whoever will listen. This will be the moment that made it all worth it.

"It ain't worth nothing anyway." She said as if the monetary worth of something was the end all be all.
We were standing at the top of the hill behind the Big House at the edge of what is now my fathers land. From our vantage point the land stretched and rolled below us. The Big House sitting directly in front of us seemed small and frail unlike the house I remembered from my childhood. Its century old walls leaned slightly to the right and the paint was chipped away leaving only the dull grey of weathered wood. My grandmothers box-like house sat far off to the right just beyond a tree line that would have hidden it from view had the trees not been naked. I took in the view as she spoke and shook my head in protest. It was worth something to me, but I had no way of explaining that to her. How do you add up the value of a thousand memories? What is the cost of a balmy summer night hunting fire flies or of an evening spent watching heat lightning from the bed of grandpas old blue Chevy? What value could I ever put on the connection I feel to this place? It doesn't matter to me if it could be sold for a million dollars or ten cents. For me, its value is added up in the memories of a handful of summers that are woven into the fabric of my being. How could I ever put a price on that?

Doctor Love

I love my doctor. He's so calm and reassuring. I had worked myself up into quite a mess by the time I saw him today, and he managed to calm me down. Everything looks the same with my heart which is good. The pressure is exactly the same and my heart isn't showing any signs of being any more damaged than it already was. My doctor recommended that I not wait anymore than a year to have the surgery and said he would prefer it be done before summer. I still have to meet with the surgeon to make sure his assessment is the same. He will most likely order another cardiac cath so he can take another look at the pressures in my heart. As long as he doesn't see anything that would require the surgery to be done sooner, we are going to plan on having it in May.

I still have a mountain of questions for the surgeon including his infection rate and the number of times he's done this surgery successfully. I also want to know exactly how long it will be before I can pick up my baby and how long I'll have to be in the hospital and away from him. The thought of spending a single night away from him is killing me.

The echo was interesting. When I had the echo's the first time I had no idea what the were looking for and was in complete denial that anything could be wrong with my heart. This time I asked a ton of questions and the tech was kind enough to show me the defect and the blood as it passed through the defect. It was very interesting. I'm going to see if I can get a copy of the cd next time so I can post it here. It's just a sonogram looking video so it shouldn't make anyone's stomach turn.

They also made me do a six minute walk test where I had to walk as fast as I could for six minutes and tell them every minute how out of breath I was on a scale of 1-10. The lady who gave me the test said I did much better than most of her patients and I said that's because most of them are 70 and in heart failure. She laughed and agreed.

I'm still filtering through the what-if's. I'm still scared to death of the vent and the saw and the pain, but I feel a little more confident too. Dr. Sokos said very mater of factly that if he or Dr. Magovern didn't feel completely confident that they could provide the best possible care for me that they wouldn't hesitate to refer me to someone else. It helps that he's met my daughter and son and knows exactly what's at stake.

16 lbs and 2 ounces of nothing but love.

Hayden was his lively animated little self at his doctors visit today. He rolled all over the dinosaur shaped table and tried to eat fistfuls of paper. He charmed the doctor with his sweet smile and flashed his baby blues at the nurse. It didn't stop her from sticking a needle into his chubby thigh four times! Don't worry, he milked it for all it was worth.
He's sleeping peacefully on my shoulder now and I can't imagine there is any better place for him to be. My mom says he is spoiled, but my grandma calls it well loved. I prefer to think of it like that. Sure it's difficult to type and balance a sleeping baby, but that's what mom's do. We balance the impossible and make it look easy.

I leave bright and early tomorrow morning to meet with my cardiologist and have an echo of my heart. I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous about this surgery. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought out goodbye letters and the best course of action for David, Erin, and Hayden should something happen to me. I try not to be dramatic about this, but it feels pretty dramatic at the moment. The thought of being put on a vent brings back bitter memories of Pam and of losing her. The idea of having my chest sawed open sends shivers up my spine. I'm not fishing for reassurance. I feel pretty sure that I'll be okay. I have to process all of the what if's. There is no way around them. Always the practical one, I'll be writing up an Advanced Directive. I will also be writing out the letters I've thought up just in case. Feel free to laugh at me for all of this after the surgery and recovery, but for now all that is needed is the simple knowledge that you would do the same thing.

4745 days, but who's counting?

She turned 13 today. I was more emotional than I thought I would be. I was searching for pictures of her to put in a slide show when the tears started. She is taller than me. How did she get to be taller than me? I held all 8lbs 15 ounces of her in my two hands with almost no effort. Her tiny head fit perfectly on my chest. Once she was knee high to me and we danced on a picnic table while a crowd of family and friends cheered us on. Where did that little girl go?

It's a strange thing to be a parent and watch your child grow up. I know the girl she is today and I remember the girl she was 10 years ago. Sometimes it seems impossible that those two could be the same person. Sometimes I find myself expecting that little girl to come back as if she's just been gone to a friends house for the last 10 years.

Today she sat on my lap and I told her how very much I love her and how proud I am of the young lady she has become. I then declared that there will be no more growing up from either her or Hayden. This mama's heart just can't take it!