A time for everything.

2012-01-10T21:28:00.001-08:00

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like it is all going by to quickly? In March we will celebrate my husbands 35th birthday. Thirty-five isn't old. I know this. What I also know is that the last ten years have gone by in the blink of an eye! I remember his 25th birthday like it was yesterday. I had "happy quarter of a century" put on his cake. In the last ten years we've adopted Erin, said goodbye to several family members and a few furry friends. We both finished school. We've moved across the country and had Hayden. We've lived the last ten years but a part of me feels like I am never really in the moment. I'm always waiting for the next big thing or working towards some self imposed goal. I don't want the next ten years to feel like this. I don't want to spend my time waiting the days away. I want to be fully aware of each moment and embracing each and every day. I'm not entirely sure how to live this way but I'm going to figure it out! I don't want to wake up ten years from now when Erin is 26 and Hayden us 13 only to realize that one again time has slipped through my hands.

These Days

2011-12-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

They are full, these days. I'm learning more than I did in nursing school. I care for 28 patients on a memory support unit. My day is filled with med passes and paperwork but what I really want to do is sit with patients and talk with those who can remember about the photos hanging on their wall. I lost my first patient. I say that as if I had anything to do with it. I saw the modeling climb from her feet to her head. I watched her chest rise and fall furiously. And I saw her lifeless body calm and serene, her hands neatly placed over her and her glasses lying on her chest. It didn't feel like I thought it would. I wasn't overcome with grief or scared. In a strange way it seemed procedural. This is what happens to us all. The lucky one's make it this far. A long life, well lived. I read in her obituary that she received a Bachelor of Fine Arts at the age of 70.

In caring for these patients I'm constantly amazed by life and the twists and turns in can take. I'm also inspired to make the most of this one chance.

Alive Together: Lisel Mueller

2011-11-24T04:25:00.001-08:00

Speaking of marvels, I am alive
together with you, when I might have been
alive with anyone under the sun,
when I might have been Abelard’s woman
or the whore of a Renaissance pope
or a peasant wife with not enough food
and not enough love, with my children
dead of the plague. I might have slept
in an alcove next to the man
with the golden nose, who poked it
into the business of stars,
or sewn a starry flag
for a general with wooden teeth.
I might have been the exemplary Pocahontas
or a woman without a name
weeping in Master’s bed
for my husband, exchanged for a mule,
my daughter, lost in a drunken bet.
I might have been stretched on a totem pole
to appease a vindictive god
or left, a useless girl-child,
to die on a cliff. I like to think
I might have been Mary Shelley
in love with a wrong-headed angel,
or Mary’s friend. I might have been you.
This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless,
our chances of being alive together
statistically nonexistent;
still we have made it, alive in a time
when rationalists in square hats
and hatless Jehovah’s Witnesses
agree it is almost over,
alive with our lively children
who—but for endless ifs—
might have missed out on being alive
together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance.

I know I've posted part of this poem before. I just love it so very much! Sometimes nothing in life makes sense except that it does. When I think about the other things that could have been but are not I can't help but be thankful for what is. I am alive together with you when it could have been any other way, really.

I know what he'll miss the most.

2011-10-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Hershey's chocolate
and Tasty Cakes
cold orange soda

Sunday dinner
with the family
though he's missed
that for a while now

the sound of
laughter
both his own
and those around him

his beautiful wife
and the way
he could see
the last 67 years
in her eyes.

telling stories
beautiful and amazing stories
about his first car
his first love
roller skating
movies that were a nickel
and adventures in airplanes

playing skipbo
dominoes
and pick-up-sticks

He'll miss me.
Not in the same way I miss him
with tears and a broken heart
but with a gentle yearning
that makes him pause now and then
just to see if I've made my way home.

and when I do
he'll call out my name
"Sandy dandy, sweet as candy"
and greet me with a hug.
which is exactly what I miss the most.

I wrote this in the months after my grandpa died and never published it. I guess I thought it wasn't finished, or wasn't good enough. Now I just want it here to remember.

2011-10-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

The last three weeks have been a crazy chaotic mess. We've been dealing with over-the-top drama with Erin. It's almost been enough to make me want to stick my head in the sand or runaway. If I hadn't been so stressed I probably would have just broken down and cried, but I never had the time or energy to do that. My only option was to face each minute knowing that eventually I'd be on the other side of it. We still aren't completely on the other side of it. Is there really such a place? We are moving through it. Wading through the hurt feelings, I'm sorries, and ways to make it better. If I had all the answers I'd make it all better. I'd say the words and wave my magic wand, but I don't. So we will walk this path one step at a time praying and searching for each next step. Through all of this I hope Erin finds herself. That she is able to let old wounds heal and stop rehashing a past that can only bring her more pain. I hope she is able to see that she is not defined by what she has been through. For months I've had a phrase rolling around in my head "you can change your stripes". I hope that Erin changes her stripes.

2011-09-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel far away from myself. I've been so focused on school and raising a family that I lost sight of me. It's good that I know that. It's good that I'm taking the time to step away from it all and just breath. This week I've been extremely anxious about finding a job RIGHT NOW! I'm not sure why. This week is no different than last week when I didn't have a job. The world will not stop spinning. We will not go hungry. I had to step back from it and listen to my gut. It told me to take my time, to stop listening to all the negative voices in my head, and to just let things be.

My Current Figsation

2011-09-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'll admit, it took me far to long to come up with that incredibly lame title. Sure there are about a bazilion ways this currently unemployed former nursing student could spend her days but thinking up lame blog titles is so much fun I couldn't resist.

Since moving to Pennsylvania the dwindling days of summer fill my mind with one thing, figs. Sadly, the steel state is not known for fig growing and they can be very difficult to find. Yesterday as I was strolling through the produce section I stumbled upon a few figs hidden between the grapes and fruit platters. There were only a few containers and the first two I picked up contained moldy rotten figs. Luckily the third or fourth container had a somewhat better selection so I snagged it immediately dreaming of what I would make with my fig find!

I pulled out my favorite baking book and found a recipe for a free form fruit galette. It didn't call for figs, so I made some adaptations.

Of course it all began with figs. I think they are one of the most beautiful fruits, and they are so delicious with just a drizzle of honey that I almost decided to just eat them all this way.

In the end I made the galette, and it was equally delicious although no one else in the house thinks so. I guess they aren't fig fans.

Basic Pastry Recipe
from "Home Baking: The Artful Mix of Flour and Tradition Around the World"

1& 1/2 cups all-purpose flour sifted
1/cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 & 1/2 sticks of cold un-salted butter cut into cubes
1/4 cup ice cold water

Place flour, sugar, and salt in a bowl. Add butter and cut into flour mixture with pastry cutter until mixture is pea size. Add cold water two tablespoons at a time just until pastry comes together. Roll dough into a ball, place in plastic bag and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Fig Filling

1 pound fresh figs each cut into six wedges
5 tablespoons of honey
pinch of salt
2 tablespoons lemon juice

Mix ingredients and set aside.

Roll out the dough to 1/4 inch thickness. Fill with fig mixture leaving 1/2 inch of dough on all sides. Fold the dough up over the filling. Bake in 375 degree oven for 25 minutes or until crust is golden brown and fig filling is bubbling.

I chose to drizzle a little extra honey over the entire thing once it was finished. It was oh so yummy!

2011-08-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know where the last month has gone. It's a bit of a blur. My brain has been consumed with school. I can barely believe that I will graduate in a little more than one month. When I think of the transformation that has taken place over the last year I am amazed. I remember walking into class on the first day. My heart was racing and I felt so unsure of what awaited me. During orientation our administrator had us write down a three word phrase that fit our lives for that morning. Some of my classmates wrote things like "I got lost.", "Where's the bathroom?", and "I'm so nervous.". I wrote "The journey begins." For me nursing isn't something I fell into or a choice I made because I felt I had no other option. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a nurse, and I am almost there. Sure, there will be much more schooling ahead. I want to go on for my BSN, and I'd like to specialize in pediatric nursing. This is just one small step in my journey, but when I look back it will be the small step that started it all. The past year has had it's highs and lows. Overall I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had to learn and grow as a person and nurse. As difficult as some of it has been, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Here's hoping that these last few weeks go by quickly and that I find the perfect job for me.

2011-06-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have an impossible memory of him. He is standing at the edge of the forest behind his house in the clearing my sisters and I used to cross through to get to the creek and tressel. He is wearing his Air Force uniform which is how I know the memory couldn't be mine. I never saw him in his uniform outside of a picture. And yet this memory feels as real to me as any memory I have ever had. He is facing the tree line as though he is about to walk onto the forest but his face is turned to me. Neither of us speak. He simply smiles at me, lifts his hand, and waves goodbye. Then he is gone and I am left with a feeling of love tinged with just enough sadness to make my heart ache.

2011-06-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last two weeks observing the drug and alcohol unit, adult and geriatric psyche, and the emergency department. The emergency department has been by favorite by a very wide margin. I've found the psyche department interesting but I don't think it's a place I'd want to work. It takes a very special kind of nurse to work in those units. The ER wasn't as dramatic as I imagined it to be but it was extremely fast paced. Within a few hours I got to start IV's, draw blood for blood work, and do a couple of EKG's. The nurse I was working with was amazing! She was more than willing to teach me anything I wanted to know. Despite what you may think, in the nursing world that is a rarity!
Wednesday marks the beginning of our summer vacation. It's a much needs break from the extreme pressure I put on myself. I'm looking forward to sleeping in, spending time with family, and catching up with all of you. I feel so distant from all of you since school began! I'd love to know how you all are doing!

2011-05-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

These days are beautiful. Nature is a welcome distraction after so many months of being trapped inside these four walls. Today I jumped with Hayden on the trampoline. When I was all jumped out I laid down while he ran and jumped over me. I watched the trees sway like matchsticks it the wild spring wind as it pushed a beautiful mess of clouds across the brilliant blue sky. These trees have known me longer than my husband. They were there on those hot Pennsylvania nights of my teen-hood when I would sneak quietly through the house at midnight, fling the screen door open, and run through the yard jumping fully clothed into the cool waters of our pool. They watched as I sank effortlessly into the moonlit waters holding my breath until the burning need for air pushed me up through the calm surface. They were my audience as I wrestled with sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen. When everything else was shifting they were constant. Thirteen years later they are still here watching, listening, and holding my secrets in the twists and bends of their weathered branches.

2011-04-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

This past week has gone by much too quickly. I guess that is the way it goes when you have a break from work or school. I managed to get a good amount of rest and relaxation done. Most importantly I soaked up time with Hayden. I've missed spending my days with him since I started school. Unfortunately Erin was in school so I didn't get to see any more of her than I usually do. I also got some work around the house done, re-read "Tuesday's With Morrie" ( A book that always reminds me to live every second of this life to the fullest.) and had a fantastic photo session with a friend who is pregnant with baby number two. All in all it was a good week. This weekend we are visiting Jen, and I'm so excited. I've been promising to visit her since we moved up here, but it hasn't worked out until now. I'm looking forward to see her "neck of the woods", and spending time with her.

School starts back on Monday. I can barely believe that we are half way through this journey. I am equal parts ready for this phase to be completed and saddened by the thought that it will be over so soon. I have a great deal of learning to do between now and then in order to feel the slightest bit confident about being a nurse. Our next level covers obstetrics, pediatrics, and psychiatric. It's the level I am mosts excited about. My hope is to go on to be a pediatric nurse specializing in the NICU. That will include much more schooling and training, but I had to start somewhere.

Happiness Is........

2011-03-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

smiling even when you add things up and the total doesn't equal a smile.
keeping a song in your heart and singing it in the shower, the car, or when you're washing dishes.
remembering that spring always makes an appearance just when you need it most.
holding on to hope, even when it seems like the most ridiculous thing you can do.

Happiness is a choice you make.

Lately, I've found a lot of happiness in pushing myself farther than I think I can go. I was reminded of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." and it has inspired me to push myself in every aspect of my life. In situations where I feel uncomfortable or out of control, I remind myself of this quote and keep moving forward. I must do these things in order to live the life that I have imagined for myself.

I feel like I'm learning so much about myself every day.

What about you? What's the one thing you think you cannot do? You must do it! You must!

2011-02-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else watched the A&E show, Heavy? I watched it for the first time last night and was inspired by the two remarkable ladies on the show. What struck me most was how weight is never really about the food we over-eat or the exercises we refuse to do. It seems as though, for women especially, there is always some underlying emotional reason to pack on the pounds. It made me think about my own body and the weight I have gained since having Hayden. A large portion of the weight gain was my own choice to eat whatever I wanted before having surgery. I thought that if I was going to go out, I'd be eating cheesecake on the way. It sounded good in theory, but once I was on the other side of the operating table, I realized how flawed my thinking was. Nearly two years later, I've still got the proof of my insanity hanging on my waist and butt. The question is, why do I keep it here? I know what to do to get it off. It's simple math. I think the answer is self-doubt. I doubt my own ability to stick to a plan. I don't my body's ability to be strong.
In my dreams I run. Not the wimpy sort of running I used to do before my surgery when I'd run out of breath and feel the burning fire in my lungs. I run with rhythm and grace. I feel the air slide in and out of my lungs at just the rite pace.
This is my goal. To run a mile by my two-year anniversary, May 4th. Life is too short for self-doubt.

You'll find me in the bathroom crying.

2011-01-30T08:44:00.000-08:00

I followed a respiratory therapist around the hospital on Friday. Each student does a round with respiratory therapy, physical therapy, ICU, and same day surgery. Respiratory therapy was my second stop on the outsourced train after physical therapy which was less than exciting.

The morning began slowly. My voice had decided to take a vacation so communication was a bit of a struggle, but the sweet lady I was following made sure that I got to hear some "good" breath sounds. Of course crackles, ronchi, and rails are bad for the patient, but a great learning experience for me.

Early in the morning she'd been told she'd have to extubate a patient. When I heard her talking about it, the only thing I though was "Cool, I'll get to see a breathing tube removed." It wasn't until after we visited ICU that I realized she would be pulling life support. I don't know why my brain hadn't made the connection. It's strange to be in a clinical setting. It's strange for everything to be so procedural when dealing with a persons life. In a way the procedure allows you to step away from the emotional side of things. Procedurally, I understood that we would remove the tube and the patient would slowly let go, her lungs unable to keep up with her bodies demand for oxygen. I have only ever been on the emotional side of this situation. The stranger in a land called ICU where everyone speaks a different language and regardless of how well they try to interpret the information it never adds up to anything you want to hear. On this side, I was able to see things more clearly. The patient had undergone several procedures, and the family had slid down the slippery slope of saying "yes" only to arrive at this point and realize their beloved family member would never have wanted to be on life support. And so they had to make the impossible decision of undoing what had been done. I stood just out side the room as the patient was extubated. The family stood in a small hallway across from me. The respiratory therapist had told me not to look at the family. She said it was easier that way. She said it was important to maintain a sense of professionalism. I knew she spoke the truth. The last thing a family wants to see are the medical professionals falling apart. I did look at them though. I saw the grief in their eyes and instantly I felt connected to them. I wanted to wrap my arms around them and let them know it would be okay. With no voice and no real idea of what to say all I could do was simply bow my head in respect and say a silent prayer that grace would find them.

I held it together just long enough for the respiratory therapist to send me to lunch. Then I made my way to the bathroom where I cried for the family, for the patient who was letting go, for the frailty of this existence.

2011-01-21T04:35:00.000-08:00

"I think that we can get misled by what we interpret as inspiration. True inspiration comes from within us; it’s a drive that is almost impossible to ignore…a thirst that must be quenched and a hunger that must be fed. False inspiration results from envy…from trying to keep up…from feeling inadequate. True inspiration is fed and fortified by our senses…including our visual senses. However there is a strong distinction between creating from these two very different places."

I found this on MadelineBea and it stirred my soul. Lately, it feels as all I am doing is trying to keep up, and failing quite miserably. I know that I should stop, rest, and refocus.

A few months ago while at the mall, I stumbled across this quote:
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those." Michael Nolan.

So, I'm tying to focus on getting back to the heart of things, back to what inspires me. Yes, I have a lot going on right now, but that is no reason not to live genuinely. I can either go through the motions or be the one making things move.

Tamales: Another Fun Foodie Adventure!

2011-01-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

It all began when I found the corn husk wrappers at the local grocery store. A year later, I decided to stop talking about making tamales and actually make them. The fact that I lived two blocks from a Hispanic market for ten years yet never attempted to make tamales until I moved to Pennsylvania where there is barely a Hispanic isle in the grocery store is laughable. I guess I just enjoy the challenge. After finding the corn husk wrappers I began a search for masa. Honestly, I had no ideas tamales required masa until I looked up a recipe. Finding masa was a bit of a challenge. I searched high and low on the grocery store isles only to come up empty handed. And then there it was, a bright orange bag with a smiling corn stalk. I picked it up and gave it a little hug. My tamale adventure could begin. At home, I read and re-read the instructions from Son of the South making sure I knew exactly what to do and when to do it. Then I gathered my supplies.

Salt, cumin, pepper, chili powder, garlic powder, masa, corn husks, and one whole chicken. The recipe calls for pork and chicken, but I stuck with just the chicken this time.
And to steam my lovely tamales I used my handy dandy and way-to-expensive Carico steamer.

Ages ago when Mr. Jackson and I were just newly engaged we attended a Carico cookware presentation with a group of other newly engaged couples. The presenter wowed us with amazing culinary magic and promised us a lifetime of healthy cooking along with an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas if we made a minimum purchase of the 10pc gourmet cookware set. High on the smell of warm stainless steel, I was the first one in line! I won't embarrass myself by telling you exactly how much we spent on our ten piece cookware set, but I will tel you that it was split up in to multiple (were talking years) monthly payments of only $69.99. We hadn't even finished paying for the set by the time we celebrated our one year anniversary! Needless to say, David still laughs at me to this day! And anytime I pull out one of my lovely Carico pots or pans, he calculates how many more uses we have left in order to get back our investment. If you ask me, the simple fact that I was able to steam tamales in this hunk of steel makes it all worth it!
Back to the tamale making. Once I cooked, shredded, and seasoned the chicken, prepared the masa, and soaked the corn husk I was ready to build my first tamale!

First I laid the wrapper out, then I spread on the masa, (This is where it got a little tricky. I wasn't sure how much masa was too much, and being consistent from tamale to tamale proved to be a challenge.) then I spooned in the chicken. Finally I rolled it all up and folded the end.
After thirty more times of spreading massa, spooning in chicken, and rolling up the corn husk my little (but embarrassingly expensive) steamer was full of tamale goodness!

I put the lid on filled the bottom half full of water, set the temp on high until the water boiled, and then put it to low. Two hours later, the first batch was cooked and the second batch went in. If I'd sprung for the delux 32 piece Carico set, maybe I'd have gotten a larger steamer!? Of course I'd probably be single. David does have his limits.

The end result was tamale goodness. I like to dollop a little sour cream and salsa on mine. This did take a full day of work, but the end result was forty tamales which is more than enough to feed my family, your family, the neighbors and still have some tamales left over to put in the freezer!

101 in 1001

2011-01-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

You may remember this list I created in November of 2009 with a little inspiration from Melisa Jill, Unlike Melissa, I gave myself no time frame or boundaries. It turns out that even without the pressure of a time frame, I'm not so great at checking off a list. Of the 25 items on my list, I was able to check off seven and a half. A measly seven and a half!

2. Get a massage & ~~pedicure without feeling guilty or changing my mind at the last minute~~.( This one only counts as half, but my feet did thank me!)

4. Cook something French. (Easily one of my most favorite food adventures this summer!)

5. Start working out at least 4 times a week. ( I started and stopped then started and stopped again! I think see a pattern here.)

9. Have sushi in Pittsburgh (Cranberry Township is close enough to Pittsburgh! The sushi was great and spending time with my dear friend Jen, was even better.)

10. Test out my newly repaired heart with a nice jog. (My heart did a fantastic job of pumping oxygenated blood through my body. No burning lungs, no gasping for air.)

22. Hang my photos (I really need to take a photo of the photos.)

23. Make homemade pasta ( Grandma and I made her noodles for Christmas. It was quite an adventure!)

25. Take David & Erin for a sunset drive on the back roads.(One night after working our booties off in the garden we took the back road home and were treated to a magnificent display of God's handy-work.

I did accomplish a variety of other things that I didn't even think to add to the list. I started nursing school, visited Atlantic City, rode the Rocket, gardened with grandma, made tamales and chococaramallows, all the while managing to keep my sanity while raising a fourteen-year-old girl and two-year-old boy.

All in all it's been a good year and I don't feel too guilty for the 17.5 items remaining on my list. I do feel inspired to try again with a few modifications. This time I'm going big, really big. I'm attempting the 101 in 1001.I'm giving myself enough variety and enough time to really dig in and accomplish some of the big and little things in life.

The target date of completion is Saturday, September 28, 2013.

1. Finish nursing school.
2. Workout four times a week even if I don't feel like it.
3. Visit Jen and Hershey Park!
4. Maintain a 3.7 gpa.
5. Work on communicating with Erin in a way that doesn't involve sarcasm.
6. Enjoy winter with a trip to the slopes for tubing.
7. Paint the kitchen.
8. Organize my crafting/scrapbooking supplies.
9. Make date night a priority by setting aside one night every two weeks just for us.
10. Plant a memorial tree for grandma and grandpa.
11. Visit the wild horses at Assateague Island
12. Get a stylish new cut from my friend Laurie.
13. Get a job as an LPN
14. Remodel both bathrooms.
15. Have a Harry Potter party and watch all the movies back to back.
16. Visit Becky and Washington D.C.
17. Focus on a more heart healthy diet.
18. finish three more flowers for the quilt my great-grandmother started.
19. Go to Disney World.
20. Learn to speak Italian
21. Visit Italy
22. Volunteer with Erin.
23. Make a turducken for Thanksgiving.
24. Plant a garden full of Peonies.
25. Take David to the movies on a regular basis.
26. Bungee jump.
27. Take Erin to Cedar Point.
28. Make a plan to begin saving for the house we want to build.
29. take an LPN to RN course.
30. take Jen to a crazy club. :)
31. own a Canon EOS 5D Mark II.
32. send 5 people just because gifts
33. Have dinner with grandma and aunt Susie at least once a month.
34. light up a summer night with hundreds of lights
35. stay at a cabin in Cook Forest
36. Teach Hayden how to catch fireflies.
37. Make apple butter with grandma.
~~38. Finish this list. 1/1/11~~
39. Take Jen to Oklahoma.
40. Have a catfish fry.
41. create a better business plan for my photography business.
42. photograph an outdoor wedding.
43. Visit friends and family in California
44. give my body the food and exercise it needs to be strong and healthy.
45. make a super hero cape for Hayden (and Erin if she wants one)
46. buy a Wii for Paxton and Amira
47. Go to Hawaii for the honeymoon we never had.
48. Get David to take me swing dancing (we shouldn't let good lessons go to waste.)
49. Re-read Sacred Romance
50. lower my blood pressure
51. load music onto my ipod.
52. built a blanket fort with Hayden and Erin.
53. re-finish the table, chairs, and buffet my dad gave me.
54. commit to some sort of spiritual practice every day be it meditation, reading the bible, or saying a prayer.
55. call Nicki and chat about girl stuff.
56. stop trying and just do
57. Find a wine that I actually like.
58. Spend a day in Pittsburgh
59. Visit my grandfathers side of the family
60. start taking a multivitamin with calcium and 5htp and chromium every day.
61. buy a memory foam mattress or at least a memory foam mattress topper.
62. help David build the jeep bed for Hayden
63. go camping
64. weekly bike rides in the summer
65. build a puppet theater for Hayden.
66. accept compliments when David gives them without a self-defeating reply.
67. finish my wedding album.
68. find a group of friends to play Texas Hold'em with.
69. Attend an MJ Two day.
70. Donate to Blood:Water Mission
71. Take Erin to the spa for a girls day.
72. go Geocaching with Jaime and Blake
73. get involved with community day
74. spend an entire day on the beach with a book.
75. be a part of a Hope revolution http://www.hoperevo.com/
76. have an in door s'mores party while watching The Sand Lot
77. learn to fly fish
78 spend a day with dad fishing.
79. use the apron pattern I bought to actually make an apron.
80. take a shopping trip to Trader Joe's and stock up on all the things I miss.
81. sing karaoke
82. attend the Autumn Leaf Parade
83. have a murder mystery dinner party for Halloween
84. write and submit a "This I Believe" essay.
85. visit Alaska
86. have another baby or at least start the process.
87. watch Mary Poppins with Hayden
88. participate in the Polar Plunge
89. have a chick flick day/night
90. canoe down Allegheny river again
91. focus on advertising my photography business
92. be less afraid about promoting my photography business.
93. blog twice a week
94. pay off the car.
95. Light the Night http://www.lightthenight.org/
96. take a road trip in the fall
97. finish the floor in the hallway and kitchen
98. paint the wall going up stairs
99. finish scanning family photos
100. help plan and successfully carry out the 2011 McConnell Family Reunion
101. Convince Erin to go to summer camp.

And with that I can successfully cross off number 38 on the list. There should be enough in there to keep me busy. I think I've added enough variety that I'll be able to accomplish many of the items on the list. Of course there are a few things that are just pipe dreams, but I thought I'd throw them in just for the heck of it. If there is anything I know about life, it's that it is completely unpredictable. I'm ready for whatever it has to over in the next 1001 days.

Chococaramallow: An adventure it sweet maddness!

2010-12-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

I have a slight obsession with making things myself. Take for instance these caramel wrapped marshmallows from Not So Humble Pie. I looked through the recipe and thought "I can make those!". After all, I've had experience making homemade marshmallows.Wrapping them in caramel shouldn't add too much trouble. Three attempts later I had the perfect soft and delicious caramel to wrap my light and fluffy marshmallows in.

But my ultimate goal was to dunk those pillows of caramel and marshmallow goodness in chocolate. This is where the adventure began. My first batch was melted by the warm chocolate goodness I bathed them in leaving puddles of caramel topped with marshmallows. Then I decided to only make ten at a time. Between each batch I refrigerated the chococaramallow goodness, and the results were wonderful.

I ended up with much more caramel wrapped marshmallows than chocolate coating so I wrapped what was left in wax paper, and gave them to friends and family.

And with the extra caramel I had, I made these Chocolate Salted Caramel Cookies and with the extra batter I had from making those I made Chocolate Peanut Butter Surprise Cookies. And just now as I am finishing this post the timer on the oven is ringing to let me know that the cranberry apple bread I made this morning is ready! School needs to start soon or I'll bake my way to 400lbs!

2010-12-25T03:34:00.000-08:00

I'm missing the sweet sound of my grandparents voices this Christmas morning, and remembering the wonderful Christmas's I spent at their house as a child. Grandpa was always so proud of his Christmas tree. He'd lay underneath it with each of us and look up through the glowing branches. We'd eat delicious food and play games like Skipbo, Uno, and Pick-up-Sticks. In more recent years I was not able to spend Christmas with them, but I always called. Grandpa always greeted me with a "Merry Christmas Sandy Dandy! Did Santa leave coal in your stocking?" He'd tell me about Christmas's when he was a kid. His parents would decorate the tree on Christmas Eve and the kids weren't allowed to see it until after Mass. So they walked them down the stairs with their eyes covered. It was the tradition at that time for everyone to make candies and cookies and then neighbors would walk from house to house admiring each others tree and the villages they set up under neath them and have some cookies and candy. It sounds like a wonderful tradition! When I set up my village this year I thought about grandpa and grandma a lot. I just keep thinking what amazing beautiful ships they are.

"Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port."

2010-12-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

Overwhelmed with school and clinical, I'm waiting for David to come home and find me drooling and mumbling incoherently. It's not a lot, except that it is. I want to be perfect. I want to know everything before I know it so that the patients I have are cared for in the best possible way. You don't become a nurse over night. The good nurses put in years to get good. It's not that I am afraid of the work, because work has never scared me. I just don't want to mess up when the well being of another person is at stake. Granted, we aren't performing brain surgery or anything remotely close to it. We're washing butts, applying creams, feeding, and ambulating. It's really nothing more than I've done for Hayden over the past two years. And yet somehow it seems more significant than that. I wash skin as thin as crepe paper and see my future in the eyes of someone lost in their own past. I imagine the life that led them to this place and wonder if they are happy here, or if it is their own personal hell. I think about them when I am not there. Did Mr. S get to eat all of his food or was the aid to busy to give him the time he needed? Did Mrs. A throw her depends at another unsuspecting student?

I will not work at a long term care facility when I graduate. I know that it is not the place for me. But I am forever connected to the people in this place.

2010-11-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

I came here expecting to write something about giving thanks, but my mind is swirling around my recent time working in a long term care facility, the talk my fellow students and I had with a hospice nurse today, and this poem;

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone."

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout "Here she comes!"

And that is dying."
--Henry Van Dyke (1852-1933)

I am grateful for all of it: my time at this facility ( as difficult as it may seem right now), conversations with those who are the guides on the journey of letting go, this poem that depicts death more beautifully than I ever could, and for so much more. I am thankful for this life. Every last second of it.

2010-11-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the time of year. The dull gray tones of bare trees against a pale blue sky always remind me of loss. In school I learn the clinical diagnosis for different types of death. They all equal loss; someone is missing a father or mother, a sister or brother, a child. We read about liver failure and ventilators and I see Pam, the rise and fall of her chest as a machine took breaths for her, the tubes that seemed to be everywhere, and the empty catheter bag that let us know her body had nothing left to give. There was so much I didn't know at the time, so many signs I didn't know to look for.
It was in November that I became a legal member of her family, though she welcomed me in long before David and I ever said I do. It was in November of each year that we gathered at her mother's house in Oregon to celebrate Thanksgiving with too much food and never enough time. It was in November that we lost her.

A day without school

2010-10-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

To be honest, this isn't my first day off of school. I stayed home Wednesday to try and get over this horrible cold. Hayden I slept most of the day, and I woke up on Thursday feeling better than I had all week. Today I'm feeling even better.
I have no big plans for today. I did call grandma to see if she would be home today. I think Hayden and I will go and see her. We also have the Halloween parade tonight. Hayden is going as a cow. We found the costume at Sam's Club for less than ten bucks. I could hardly say no. Erin will miss the parade. She has a football game tonight. I did her makeup for school this morning. She is a fangless vampire. In the process of putting on the fake fangs I dropped one down the drain. She looked good despite her missing fangs.
I'm busy making plans for our 10th anniversary. We're thinking of going to Pittsburgh for the day. I'm trying to find a nice restaurant that isn't to crowded and won't break the bank. I'm excited about a night out with just the two of us. It's a treat we rarely get.

A little more than 1/12 of the way there.

2010-10-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

I eat, sleep, and breathe nursing school. Anatomy definitions skip through my brain on a regular basis. While watching "House", I mentally take note of the diagnosis that I have learned about in class. It's exciting and exhausting. A friend in school has been sleep-studying. She literally wakes up to find herself searching for her text books so she can study.
In a little less than a month we will begin clinical rotations. It's the part I'm most excited about. Book knowledge is important, but I can't wait to get my hands dirty. I'm already looking into LPN to RN programs.

On the home front things are going fairly smoothly. Erin was recently chosen to go with 20 other students from her school to participate in a mock debate. I wasn't able to go and watch her, but I did ask her a ton of questions and asked her if anyone there took photos. She said she had a good time. The band is playing their last home game today. I have the camera and video camera ready. It's supposed to be a beautiful day too!

Hayden loves school. He also loves Goldfish crackers and yogurt. Each morning on our way to school he says hello and goodbye to all of the pumpkins he sees. He also points out the cows and horses and makes the appropriate animal noise to go along with it.

Adventures in Nursing School

2010-10-03T05:38:00.000-07:00

The transition has been difficult to say the least. Waking up earlier, preparing lunches in the evening, starting Hayden in daycare, and switching my brain back into school mode were almost enough to make me run like mad in the other direction. This is only one year. With each week that passes, I remind myself that at this time next year I will be a nurse.
It is work, but it is exciting too. Everyday I learn something new. Of course there are things I'd rather not learn like how to inspect an anus or how to give an enema. I don't think either of those things is exciting for most people, but they are a part of the bigger picture of providing care. In a few weeks we will begin clinical rotations. The thought scares me to death and thrills me at the same time.
Outside of school life has continued almost as normal. Erin is busy with band and school. The marching band is doing an awesome job and I'm so proud of them! Erin is doing better in school and seems to be trying harder this year. It makes me so proud. Hayden loves daycare. He has friends and really enjoys the social aspect of it. He's learning so much too!
David finally took his test to become an appraiser. He won't know his results for six weeks. We're trying to be patient and hoping that he passed.

I want to share this quote with you from one of my nursing books:

"Several years ago, I read that elementary particles (the "things" physicists study!!) were "bundles of potentiality." I have begun to think of all of us this way, for surely we are as undefinable, unanalyzable, and bundled with potential as anything in the universe." Mary Ann Anderson "Nursing Leadership, Management, and Professional Practice for the LPN/LVN"

2010-09-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

I will think of you
when an organ plays.
when the burgundy leaves of Autumn begin to fall.
when soft sweet tones of an old hymn fill the space between us.

I will think of you
when I pass an old dirt road it's dust kicking up behind me.
when I snap green beans fresh from the garden.
when I hear the theme song from "Fall Guy".

I will think of you
when I fill in the last blocks of a crossword puzzle.
when I make pot roast for dinner and serve it with slices of bread and butter.
when I graduate next September, a nurse just like you.

portrait of me

2010-09-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

All too often David complains that there are no photos of me. I am always the one behind the camera capturing these moments that will add up to a lifetime of memories.
Yesterday I made it my mission to capture myself at thirty-one. My hair is longer than it has been in years, I've gained a few pounds which show up in the roundness of my cheeks, and there are faint laugh lines around my eyes. Most of the time I don't feel thirty-one. I'm not even sure how thirty-one should feel. I know that I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. When I looked at this picture in the view finder of my camera I didn't think "Oh God delete it!". I saw the round face, thin blond hair, big smile, laugh lines, and bright eyes and thought "Yep, that's me.". Of course there are still things I would change about me, but I don't obsess about them. I am more able to see the beauty in myself as a wife, mother, friend, and person. I am okay with not having anything figured out other than what I will make for dinner and sometimes I don't even figure that out until minutes before I turn on the stove.
I am me and I'm okay with not defining all of me right now. There are things that were true about me before that are no longer true and things that aren't true now that may be true later. I am evolving and enjoying (almost)every minute of the process.

2010-09-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

We are on our way to the Bruin Labor Day Parade after a late night of fireside talking. I'm absorbing all of the sunshine and time with friends that I can. The road ahead promises to be a busy one bustling with new beginnings. Both Hayden and I will start school on the 13th. I'm saddened by the thought of being away from him so much, but excited by all of the possibility I'm creating for the both of us. He will be in a fun learning environment surrounded by kids his age. He loves spending time with other kids and we don't often have the opportunity to be around any his age. We will be celebrating his second birthday soon. I'm not sure how we got here. I remember a trip to the store I took without him just a few weeks after he was born. I was still under the influence of new mommy hormones and recovering from the chaos of his birth. There were so many unknowns floating around in my head. I saw children playing in the isle of the store and wondered if I would be here when Hayden was that age. The future, as it always is for me, was a complete mystery. I only knew that I had that time and that space and I was determined to make the most of it. Here we are nearly two years later, and again we face a future full of mysteries. I am making all of these plans and all of this could easily be turned upside down by whatever we find out on Wednesday.

Wild Women

2010-08-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Years ago as we were just giving birth to this sisterhood of bloggers, I had a vision a glimpse of something. Since then I have searched for the words to describe what I saw so clearly in my mind. A few days ago as I was reading WWRWW I skipped to the end of the book. It was there that I found a few of the words I was looking for.

"We are born and reborn night after night from this same wild dream, and we return to daylight grasping a coarse hair, the soles of our feet black with damp earth, our hair smelling like ocean, or forest or cook fire....... Let us admit it. We women are building a motherland; each with her own plot of soil eked from a night of dreams, a day of work. We are spreading this soil in larger and larger circles, slowly, slowly. One day it will be a continuous land, a resurrected land come back from the dead. Munda de la Madre, psychic motherworld, coexisting and coequal with all other worlds. This world is being made from our lives, our cries, our laughter, our bones. It is a world worth making, a world worth living in, a world in which there is a prevailing and decent wild sanity."

The image I had was of our bare feet pounding the earth creating a rhythm that vibrated through us and out of us in the form of wild laughter. There was an intensely deep feeling of connection.

I still don't have the exact words to describe my vision, but I keep it tucked away waiting for the perfect words to come.

2010-08-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

Where has summer gone? Wasn't it only yesterday the snow was melting and things began to warm up? I am not ready for another winter, but winter will come with or without my consent. For now, I'm soaking up as much of the sun as I can, enjoying every last ray of it. I'm looking forward to fall festivals, pumpkin picking, and warm apple cider.
The garden is still growing despite my complete inability to take care of it on a regular basis. We are going over tonight to water, weed, and pick green beans. Afterward we'll all go out for ice cream.
Friday's with my grandma haven't panned out exactly the way I thought they would. They've been filled up with appointment after appointment after stinking appointment. Most of the time she is even busier than I am.
I have a few photos from the garden. These were taken about a month ago.

Grandma working in the garden.

Hayden helping grandma pick green beans.

Green beans!

Our first zucchini!

The yellow tomatoes have done much better than the Brandywine and red tomatoes.

Funny little cucumber.

My little baby melon. We have three others now!

2010-08-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

I photographed my last wedding of the season yesterday. Weddings always create such a strange mix of emotion in me. I see the newly married couple so in love with each other and with the endless possibilities that stretch out in front of them. It always reminds me of that time in my life. I wouldn't want to go back to that place because there is something to be said for having ten years under your belt, but I do relish the sweet memories of being so young and so in love that we were oblivious to anything else. Yesterday as I watched the bride dance with her grandfather I couldn't help but think of each of my grandfathers. I started married life with both of them and now they are both gone. Life changes so quickly. One of the bridesmaids and I talked about the importance of these moments and their fleeting nature. A wedding is one day, but the memories of that day last a lifetime. I hope that I was able to capture photos that will help them remember forever.

Beef Bourguignon: A Love Story

2010-08-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

Last summer I went with Jen and her sister, Karen, to see Julie & Julia. The movie was funny, sweet, and everything you'd expect from a great "chick flick". We laughed. We cried. (Karen and I did during the previews anyway.) We drooled over the amazingly delicious looking food. I immediately decided we needed to make beef bourguignon. A part of me would not be whole until we did. One year later, after seeing Tyler Florence make it, we set out on our beef bourguignong making adventure. I prepared the list and Jen did all the shopping. She's a saint! She and Karen arrived at my house around 3 o'clock and the cooking began. We cubed, we chopped, we caramelized, we simmered, we turned every-day bacon slices in to lardons, we poached, and we flambéd until our little dutch oven full of goodness was finally ready to enjoy.

My great-grandma Martha's dutch oven being put to good use. At one point while we were cooking I took a moment to imagine her doing the same.

If you've never poached a pear, I highly recommend it. They are sweet and succulent.

It's been so hot here that David suggested we eat on the porch. I spent the morning getting everything ready for an enjoyable dining experience. I even picked the flowers from my flower garden. :)

I heart paper lanterns.

The Beef Bourguignon! What's not to love about egg noodles, tender beef, bits of bacon, pearl onions and mushrooms in a savory sauce? Despite some flaws in the recipe regarding an over abundance of beef broth, I thought the end result of our culinary adventure was great. The beef was tender the sauce was flavorful. In the future I'd like to try serving it over mashed potatoes.

For desert we sat our perfectly poached pears atop chocolate gnash and added a little vanilla ice cream garnished with a wafer cookie. It was a delicious experience.

At the end of this journey I find myself still in love with Beef Bourguignon. I had loved it for it's possibility, for the wonderful way the name of it rolls off the tip of my tongue. Now I love it for it's beautiful simplicity, and savory flavors.

A message from the universe.

2010-08-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life gets so crazy it takes a message from the universe or from Dawn in Wildwood, MO. to slow me down.

Today I am taking a deep breath and letting go of all of the expectations I have for myself. I'll pick some of them back up tomorrow, but for today I'm working on allowing myself to just be. I'm accepting that it really is OK to not do everything. It's even okay to do absolutely nothing sometimes. The world will not end. Planets will not collide.

Thank you universe. Thank you Dawn.

2010-08-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

Confession: We hold Hayden while he naps. Occasionally we'll put him down, but normally all 27lbs of him rests on either David's or my chest while he sleeps. In the beginning I was over-compensating for having missed the first two weeks of his life. I didn't want to miss a single second more even if those seconds were full of nothing but the rise and fall of his chest. Two years later, it is routine. I don't think either of us mind it. Usually whoever is holding him takes a well deserved nap along with him. Yesterday as I held him I thought about these days and how we so often seem to be in a rush to just get through them. We tell ourselves that if we just make it through this task or this week we'll slow down and enjoy life. It rarely works that way. As I held him, watching his chest rise and fall, I was fully aware of the value of that moment, completely aware that these days that seem to run together and bleed into one are as unique as each pale blond strand of hair on his head.

a little of this and a litle of that

2010-07-31T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spent part of the evening picking green beans with grandma while Daivd watered the garden. The garden looks like a disaster to anyone but me. There are large patches of weeds in between crooked rows of vegetables. Any serious gardener would probably look at it and laugh. I look at it and think that if my life were a garden, it would look just like this. I'm rediculously in love with each green leaf, tiny blossom, and twisting vine. Monday evening while we were watering I found a tiny baby watermelon growing and immediately decided that I needed to camp out next to it so that nothing would eat it. Luckily, I have a sane husband who talked me out of it. I checked on it today, and it has doubled in size. I wish that I had more time to spend in the garden weeding, watering, and soaking up all of the goodness that comes from mixing soil, water, and seed.

Hayden is a growing mess of boy. He loves all things loud and destructive. He and I love to read books and work on puzzles together. He usually gets the first four pieces in before putting them in wrong and laughing hysterically. He's also decided that he shouldn't have to wear a diaper and takes it off whenever he can get away with it.

Erin is having a good summer. I've seen a lot of change in her. She's still crazy about boys and still very independant. I don't think either of those things will change anytime soon. She's impressed me with her ability to admit when she is wrong. She isn't usually able to admit it in the moment, but given a little time she will come to me and say she is sorry. That small morsel is enough to fill me with hope. She's also expressed a sincere interest in doing better in school this year. Usually I am the one telling her she needs to do better, but lately she's been the one telling me she is going to do better.

David is still working and enjoying his job. He also enjoyed a nice week without wife or kids while we were awain in Atlantic City. Lucky him!

I am looking forward to school in the fall. The LPN program I'm enrolled in runs from September to September. I'm nervous about the details, but comfortable with the overall idea of going back to school. I just keep reminding myself that it is only a year. I can do anything for a year.

still living

2010-07-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

What The Living Do
Marie Howe

"Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for days, some utensil probably fell down there
And the Drano won't work but smells dangerous, and the crusty dishes have piled up,

waiting for the plumber I still haven't called. This is the everyday we spoke of.
It's winter again: the sky's a deep, headstrong blue, and the sunlight pours through

the open living-room windows because the heat's on too high in here and I can't turn it off.
For weeks now, driving, or dropping a bag of groceries in the street, the bag breaking,

I've been thinking: This is what the living do. And yesterday, hurrying along those
wobbly bricks in the Cambridge sidewalk, spilling my coffee down my wrist and sleeve,

I thought it again, and again later, when buying a hairbrush: This is it.
Parking. Slamming the car door shut in the cold. What you called that yearning.

What you finally gave up. We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss--we want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and I'm gripped by a cherishing so deep
for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I'm speechless:
I am living. I remember you. "

What more is there for the living to do than to live? My grandfather, a man I admired and looked up to my entire life, is gone. Once again I face the difficult task of letting go. I got to say goodbye too him. I got to tell him how much I loved him. This will have to be enough. When Pam died I struggled with moving on. It didn't feel right to move forward when she could not.
It was 5:45 a.m. when my mom called to tell me my grandpa was gone. I was asleep dreaming. In my dream we were building a house on the land I love so much. Hayden was around five-years-old and was helping David hammer in a nail. My entire family was there to help except for grandpa. I thought about this dream as I snuggled in close to Hayden. I stroked his head and gave him a kiss. I thought about my grandpa and the pieces of him that live on through each of us. I thought about what it means to honor someone, not just for a moment or a day, but throughout your life. I will honor my grandpa by carrying on.
I will got to a ball game tonight with family and friends. I will chant and cheer and laugh and smile. And all the while I will be "gripped by a cherrishing so deep." for the days I had with my grandpa and for those that I have left without him.

2010-06-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

My aunt called me yesterday. She spoke of things I did not want to hear. My grandma, Hayden in her arms, walked to the neighbors house and then forgot what she'd gone there for. A few nights ago my aunt asked grandma to get her some books from the bedroom and she came back with clothes. I can see it in my grandma's eyes sometimes. We are losing her. One memory at a time. A name forgotten. A task left undone. An item misplaced and found days later. Singularly they mean nothing, but together they add up to a future that breaks my heart. She is no longer able to watch Hayden. This alone was enough to bring me to tears last night, the sobbing, uncontrollable, wake up with puffy eyes kind. She loves watching Hayden. Each morning when I drop him off she asks "How's my boy?" and hugs him so tightly. She'd watch him forever if she could. She is no longer able to stay by herself. My aunt is checking into taking her to the adult day care where she works. I hope that they can provide companionship and stimulation. I've asked Erin to go over to grandma's with Hayden two days a week over the summer so that grandma can still have time with Hayden. I think it will be good for Erin too. I'm taking Fridays off at work. I usually only work a four hour shift every other Friday anyway. I'm going to spend those days with grandma working on the family scrapbook, or cooking, or just being with her.

Remember my list?

2010-06-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Melissa Jill, I created a list of things I want to do sometime in the not so distant future. I gave myself the freedom of no time frame, but promised myself I'd refer to the list regularly so I wouldn't forget my want-to-dos. I'm happy to say I've checked a few items of the list. It's no giant leap, but it is a small step in the check-off-that-list direction.

1. Play a song on the guitar in a somewhat recognizable manner.
2. Get a massage & ~~pedicure~~ without feeling guilty or changing my mind at the last minute. (My feet thanked me profusely!)
3. Visit the local covered bridges with my camera just in case they do something amazing.
4. Cook something French. (I made french toast and french fries, but I'm not checking this of the list yet.)
5. ~~Start working out at least 4 times a week.~~ It still counts if I've started and stopped right?
6. Photograph my grandma.
7. Visit Falling Water by Frank Lloyd Wright
9. Have sushi in Pittsburgh
10. ~~Test out my newly repaired heart with a nice jog. (This should be doable now that my heart rate and blood pressure are almost normal.)~~ The jog felt great. My lungs didn't burn at all!
11. Visit the local ashram I saw on my drive to Clarion.
12. ~~Take a yoga class.~~ I rented a Yoga video from Netflix. That counts right?
13. Finish my wedding scrapbook.
14. Go to Brookville for their annual Christmas festival.
15. Take a business class or two.
16. visit Jen.
17. Take a vacation.
18. Go on a canoe trip
19. Test out the slopes here in western PA.
20. visit Becky.
21. paint the kitchen
22. ~~hang my photos~~
23. make homemade pasta
25. ~~take David & Erin for a sunset drive on the back roads.~~ It was exactly the experience I wanted it to be for them, beautiful with a bit of magic thrown in.

I wasn't sure how I'd do with a list. I thought it might make me feel pressured and take a little of the fun out of it, but this list has been a sweet reminder. When life gets to fast and I feel to stressed I search for something on the list that I can do to remind myself that in the process of all this working I am living, and there's not point to any of it if I don't enjoy myself too. I'll be check many of the remaining items off soon!

Wedding Vows

2010-05-26T04:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend I photographed a beautiful wedding. Usually the ceremony moves so quickly I only have time to think about shutter speeds and f-stops, but this was a Catholic ceremony and they are very long so I had a little time to think. I watched as family and friends gathered around to support the commitment of two beautiful souls to one another. I listened as the priest talked about love and honor. I was nearly moved to tears as they exchanged vows and rings.

Once the ceremony was over and the photos were taken we headed to the reception. As I followed the trail of cars I thought more about the ceremony and what it means to join with another human being for the rest of your life. I thought about a small outdoor ceremony that took place ten years ago this November and about the words that were spoken then. We repeated the sacred words "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health till death do we part." without having a clue what life would throw at us.

I thought about the couple we were then. Like most couples we entered marriage with high hopes and big dreams. I won't say that we were blind to the possibility of worse, poorer, and sickness, but who really gives that much thought on their wedding day? When you are young you imagine yourself to be invincible. We understood the weight of our words, but they were not reality. They were hypothetical.

Then I thought about the couple we are now and how the last ten years have changed us. I thought about what those vows would mean if we were to say them today. We've lived through the worse, poorer, sickness, and a few other things those vows don't even mention.

I once read the words of a dad who said that when his children were born he knew it was supposed to be one of the greatest days of his life, but he wasn't really able to understand exactly why until he was able to look back through the years and see what having children really meant. I think that marriage is like that. You can appreciate a marriage, but you don't really respect it until you've lived it. Vows can mean something to you when you say them, but they become much more full once you're able to look back and know exactly what it takes to remain true to them.

2010-05-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

Erin ran away Tuesday night. She wasn't gone long. My step-sister picked her up and brought her home. To say it's been a rough couple of months in our house is an understatement. To say that I've handled it all with grace and wisdom would be a lie. Sometimes I forget how it feels to be a teenager, all the hormones and crazy biological changes that are going on in her small body.
We are trying to accommodate these changes, to make them less painful. She can wear the clothes, and make-up she wants. She can die her hair purple if that's what she'd like. The only thing we aren't budging on is her being alone with her boyfriend, and of course this is the only thing she wants. The one thing that will make her world right. I guess her world will not be right for a while.
Parenting a teenage daughter is more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I won't lie. I did have the tiniest bit of illusion that we could rescue Erin from all of the hurt that was done to her and from herself. I imagined that it would be hard, but I never thought it wouldn't happen. I haven't given up hope, but I'm not as convinced as I used to be. Recently, her favorite thing to say to me is "Let me make my mistakes and suffer the natural consequences for myself." How can a parent do that when the consequences can be so costly? How do you convince them that they are not invincible?
We had a nice long family talked and Erin agreed to stay here and work though things. I agreed not to push when she is angry and to give her the space she needs. We will keep trying.

The Business of Being Born

2010-04-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

After watching this documentary for the second time, once before giving birth, and once after I have a completely different perspective. While I appreciate the films informative nature concerning midwifery, I'm annoyed by it's biased account of birthing in a hospital setting. I delivered at a hospital under the supervision of a team of OB/GYNs including a certified nurses midwife. I attended birthing classes, read more books than I care to remember, asked questions, and came up with a birthing plan that I felt most represented what I wanted out of the birthing experience. I presented my birthing plan to my doctors at the last appointment before I went into labor. They welcomed the plan, and were more than supportive of my own involvement in the decision making process. In the documentary hospital births are shown as a lie flat on your back, have the baby in less that 12 hours or we will deliver via Cesarean process that offers no opportunity for active involvement from the mother. What I experienced in the birthing classes, and up until the point my labor went crazy couldn't have been farther from the image created by this documentary. The nurses and doctors highly recommended walking, moving, the use of a rocking chair, body ball, or jacuzzi tub. The bed had parts that removed so that a squatting position could be achieved for delivery. Basically everything that I read about in books that discussed natural labor was at my disposal if I chose to use it.
Ultimately my labor and delivery went the opposite of everything I had planned, but there was nothing anyone could have done to predict my experience. Luckily I was in a hospital setting when I delivered. Had I been at home or in a birthing center the outcome would have been very different and my guess is that either Hayden, myself, or possibly both of us would not be here today.
What I would like to see in a future documentary or book is more well rounded view of labor and delivery from all aspects. Something similar to the birthing classes we attended would be perfect. Our instructor gave us vital information about the in's and out's of delivering in a hospital setting, let us know what tools we had at our disposal, and more importantly shared with us when intervention was called for and when it wasn't. The insight and information she gave me was priceless and helped me to understand what was going on even when my labor and delivery took a turn for the worse. I felt as though I was able to make very informed decisions even though I was scared out of my mind. I knew when my doctors had done everything possible to help me deliver naturally, and when it was in my best interest to have a cesarean.
Women are not empowered when given misinformation and half truths. We are empowered when we are given all of the information and allowed to make the choice that best suits us.

2010-03-10T14:56:00.000-08:00

Lucy Booth
Today this post nourished my soul and reminded me to take a deep breath.

For A, if she stops by and anyone else who might take a peak.

2010-03-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

There are only ten days until daylight savings and I'm on the verge of counting the seconds. Already the days are longer. Last night I drove home from a consultation with the sun blazing in my rear view mirror. It seems impossible not to feel happy at the thought of longer, warmer days. I have visions of light and airy outdoor parties with paper lanterns, soft jazz, the sweet scent of fresh cut grass, and maybe a mojito or two. When the sun sinks below the horizon and the cold Pennsylvania evening sets in we'll gather by the bonfire and talk about nothing and everything all at once. You are all invited.

But I must try to live in this moment. The snow is slipping slowly away and the cold is not as bitter. Today I shoveled the walkway without a jacket, my blood has finally thickened. Does that make me officially a Pennsylvanian or do I need to say "yins" before I can join that club? I did hit my first dear a few months ago. I thought for sure that would get me in the door.

Life is as usual a jumbled of mess of work, home, and taking care of the kids. Erin is fully 14. I can not begin to explain to you the joy and pain of parenting a teenage daughter. It is something you will have to be lucky enough to experience for yourself. It seems that for all our attempts to show her the path of least resistance she insists on forging her own way. I am coming to terms with her need to do this, but I reserve the right to say "I told you so." once we are on the other side of all of this.

Hayden is all boy. He laughs almost all the time. He loves books and puzzles. Like Zoe, he's pointing to all of his body parts and only occasionally mistakenly points to his nether region when we ask where his belly is. I honestly think he only does it to see our reaction. He laughs hysterically every time he does it. Boys! This is such an amazing age. He is learning so much so quickly and it's so exciting to see that spark of understanding when he grasps a new concept. He also loves to sing. Every morning on our way to grandmas house he insists that I sing "Old MacDonald" so he can join in on the "e i e i o" part. He also likes "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Row Row Row Your Boat". He and I love doing My Gym at Home together. He loves clapping his hands and saying goodbye when the show is over.

David is working and preparing to take the test to become an auto appraiser. He's been training for it since he took the job. He seems to fit in well with the two guys he works with and seems to like his job very much. That makes me happy.

After briefly considering getting my CNA license to work as a CNA for six short months until LPN school starts, I've changed my mind. I don't want to change everything only to have it change again in a few months. So, I'm working at Ross and enjoying the low stress level that comes along with the job and focusing on the photography business which is going fairly well. I've booked two new weddings for this spring/summer. So far I have a total of five weddings. Three are paying jobs and two are favors for friends. It feels so good to have the validation of someone choosing me to photograph their wedding. When my cousin first told me I should start photographing weddings I thought he was crazy. But I did it because I trusted him. I'm so glad I listened to him. Photographing weddings scares the crap out of me, but it also makes me so happy and I have learned so much in the short time I've been doing this. All of the things I just wasn't getting from books I am getting from the hands on experience.

Greater than, less than, or equal to and why it really doesn't mater.

2010-02-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

I was reading this post, My 25 Biggest Mistakes at Two Photogs and made it all the way to number three before nodding my head in agreement.
"Not having confidence in my work. If you haven’t really talked to me in about 3 years, you would be amazed with the change. When I was first starting out, I had very little confidence in my work. I put on a brave face with clients, but I was constantly comparing myself to other photographers, and falling short. Even when I had been in business for awhile, doubts plagued me. Now I’m not saying that today I think I’m a rockstar, but I believe in myself and I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I can be just as good as anybody else."

You're probably asking yourself how a post relating to a mistake in my photography business found it's way to my personal blog. The answer? In reading number three over and over again I realized something. I lack confidence in every part of my life. I'm not just looking at other photographers and comparing my work to theirs and being overcome with self doubt. I'm reading blogs to see how mine stacks up and feeling completely out of my league. I'm looking in the mirror and judging my tiny nose and big round face. I'm looking at the size of my jeans and scolding myself for not being better at being thin.

I wouldn't normally consider myself to be of a "less than" mindset, but I've never considered myself "greater than" either. I think I've always been sort of maybe "equal to", or at least had the potential to be "equal to". But as I really thought about how I feel about myself, my art, myself as a parent, wife, and friend, I found that I do feel "less than". This feeling of less than isn't truth, but it is the dialog that goes on in my head. It's a nasty little habit of considering what I have to offer as being not enough. I see glimpses of this same habit in my mother and my daughter. It is a learned behavior I picked up from my mother and unknowingly passed on to Erin. This pattern of behavior can go almost unnoticed. It's hidden in the risks I don't take, the compliments I brush off, and the self depreciating comments I make under my breath. The most difficult part of this mindset is the constant comparison of myself to others. I equate others success with my failure. If they are amazing then I must be horrible. But that is not truth either. There is more than enough space for each of us to be amazing.
I find this "less that" attitude to be even more severe when I've spent too much time on the internet. While I praise the ability of the world wide web to bring us all together, it creates an environment full of hype and fluff where almost everyone is trying to look better than they really are. If you're a person who has any amount of "less than" in you the world wide web will only magnify it unless of course you finally come to the conclusion that none of it really matters anyway. While I am comparing myself to this person or that person they are comparing themselves to someone else who is probably also comparing. It's an endless cycle and a pointless exercise. Maybe you already know this secret. Maybe this entire post has been an affirmation of what you already knew or maybe, just maybe, you too needed to be reminded that you are the one and only beautiful-amazing you and there is no comparison.

2010-02-19T04:32:00.000-08:00

I am here covered in snow. I think I've almost had my fill of it. "Sun. Sun. Mr. Golden Sun. Please shine down on me."

Do you ever have those days where everything annoys you? My husband speaks and I'm annoyed. I read a blog post and I'm annoyed. Someone posts something that doesn't even really matter to me on FB and I am annoyed. I hate it when I feel like this. Perhaps it is the gray sky seeping into my soul and making me anxious.

My grandma and I picked out seed from her seed catalog on Tuesday. It was a bright spot in my week. We planned the garden and even discussed buying a few fruit trees and then doing so each year so that by the time the kids are grown they'll have a lovely variety of fruit trees in their backyard.

Now it's time to wake Hayden up and get the two of us ready for our day. I hope your day is full of beauty.

2010-02-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

We are blanketed in snow with crystal blue skies. It's breathtakingly beautiful. I'm ready for spring but trying to enjoy winter too. When else can you cuddle up on the couch and do nothing simply because your car is snowed in? At what other time in the year can you free fall to the ground and make a snow angel?

Erin's 14th birthday came and went without much fanfare. She managed to get herself grounded the week of her birthday. Usually I would relent given that a birthday comes only once a year, but I fear that relenting has been my downfall and so I've stuck to it even though it broke my heart to do so. We'll have a little something for her and a few friends next weekend to celebrate. Maybe that is still relenting but at least for this week she's been stuck in her room with nothing that requires electricity other than her lights. She's fought me tooth and nail. She's moaned, groaned, grumbled, banged her fists against the wall, told me I was stupid, and stomped her feet. All to no avail. In her room she sits and that is where she will stay until Monday morning.

Hayden is a mess. He climbs on everything. Today he climbed up into his high chair all by himself. He also likes to hit things. He bangs little toys hammers against the floor, the dog, the couch, and even my head. As he bangs he says "Owe!" over and over again as if he is hurting himself. He loves kisses. In the morning he wraps his tiny arms around my neck and plasters me with kisses. He then gives kisses to his daddy and then back to me again and back and forth until we are all wide awake and smiling. He also knows to give kisses when he's done something wrong. How do they learn so young? He kisses the dogs and the cat. Today he even gave kisses to his toys.

David is enjoying work and building poker tables. He's finishing up and amazing octagon table that has taken up the majority of his time lately. We'll all be happy to see it finished and out the door.

Lanterns: A Gathering of Stories

2010-01-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

Admittedly it was the cover photo that drew me to this book. I think I've mentioned before that I often buy books based on their cover. For me, the cover of this book says a million things that words can not. Enough about the cover. The book is soul food. I'm reading it slowly and letting each word resonate. So far, my favorite story has been "The Only One Club" by Jena Strong.
Here is a very small excerpt from the story.

"We're all those other people, people. All this only-one-ness, all this aloneness, is an illusion. Yes, we're all the only one of something. Yes, we all have shame and obsession and ineptitude and fashion-challenges and judgment and isolation. We are human! And then we share. We share stories, we share lives. We ask questions and listen. We connect. We remember. We're ALL the only ones. "

Who knew that I could have so much in common with a Jewish mother of two from Vermont? But that is the very point of her story. For all our differences, real or imagined, we are all very much the same. Allowing myself to feel the truth of that brings me comfort and gives me strength. Despite how it may feel at times, we are not alone in this. The more we share the more we know how connected we are.

For more great reading visit Jena's blog, bullseye, baby. I also recommend buying the book, Lanterns: A Gathering of Stories by Jennifer McGuiggan and friends.

If ever there were an anthem for teenage girls....

2010-01-19T19:47:00.001-08:00

this is it.

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white

Lately her ups and downs have me feeling motion sick and all I can think is
that I really want off this ride! I know she's a mess of hormones and she's just
trying to spread her itty bitty baby wings to separate herself from me. It's funny
how none of that psycho-babel bull crap matters too much when your incredibly
immature 13-year-old is telling you that she really doesn't give a crap if you take
away her x-box because you take away everything anyway and asks you why you can't
be like all the other parents in the world who don't give a crap and let their
kids play video games whenever they want.

Yes, I admit it. I am an awful parent. I actually think that video-game playing
time should be limited and that there should be time in the day to complete homework,
chores, and sit down with the family for dinner.  I'm not sure how they ever
allowed a despicable person like me to become a mom.

***********************************

I watched this and I'm a little less frustrated. (It's long, but worth it!)



I think I'll go hug that hormonal mess and remind her that I love her.

2010-01-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

I spent the last hour reading through my blog posts for 2009. It was a good year. There were visits from friends and family, campfires with s'mores, and trips to fun places. It was a tough year, but I found out just how strong I am.
What I found as I read through each post and the comments that went along with it, is that I am a lucky lady. I have friends who love and care about me. Thank you.
I said goodbye to 2009 in the company of family and friends. We played Wii Bowling and toasted in the New Year while watching Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. I'm looking forward to 2010 and whatever it may hold. I have an application to LPN school sitting on my desk that I plan on filling out tomorrow and two upcoming engagement sessions in Pittsburgh.

2009-12-24T03:33:00.000-08:00

A hush rushes the waking of the sun.
Gold and glittering
it yawns and stretches
in shades of peach and pink.

Blanketed in white
the earth shivers.

Smoke from neighboring chimneys
climbs it's way effortlessly towards
the pale blue winter sky.

slowly
the
sun
rises

lifting its one sleepy eye
just above the horizon
and everything sparkles.

2009-12-18T04:05:00.000-08:00

Last night Erin and I spent the evening making cookies at grandma's house. We used a sugar cookie recipe that belonged to my great-great-grandma Christie and rolled out the dough using a rolling pin that belonged to her as well. Her husband, my great-great-grandpa, made it for her by hand. I don't have any photos of my great-great-grandparents, but the photo above is of their two daughters Grace and Martha. Grace moved to Oklahoma and lived on a farm. Martha married my great-grandpa, Harry Horner, and the two lived on the farm that now belongs to my father.

Last night as I balanced baking cookies and chasing after Hayden I imagined my great-great-grandma doing the same so many years ago.

The lesson I'm still learning.

2009-12-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1

At least I've learned this much:
Life doesn't have to be
all poetry and roses. Life
can be bus rides, gritty sidewalks,
electric bills, dishwashing,
chapped lips, dull stubby pencils
with the erasers chewed off,
cheap radios played too loud,
the rank smell of stale coffee
yet still glow
with the inner fire of an opal,
still taste like honey.

-Julie Alger

2009-12-03T07:07:00.001-08:00

It's been rough sailing at the Jackson house lately. Thanksgiving came and went in a blur. I wish I had been able to enjoy it more. I am hopeful that Christmas will provide an opportunity to do just that.
I wish there were a hard wire to my brain that you could each connect to. The things floating around in there are too exhausting to type.

I am taking things in stride. I quit the job at J.C. Penny. The schedule did not work for me. I was hired for daylight, but worked mostly evenings and many days I worked mornings at Ross and evenings at J.C. Penny. I'm slightly disappointed, but the job was not what I expected or hoped for anyway. And now I have more time to work on my photography business which has slowed to a crawl. It is winter and no one wants to brave the cold to have pictures taken. I'm reading a lot and learning more and more. I have a few weddings scheduled next year and I'm excited about trying out new techniques. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with starting small.

it's a start

2009-11-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

I am inspired by Melissa Jill to create a list of things I want to do. You know, the big and not so big dreams and goals we all keep in the back of our mind? Yea, that's the one. The problem with an actual written out list is that it's too demanding. I know it will always be there screaming at me to get done. So, I'm making a list but much smaller that Melissa's 101 in 1001 and without a completely definitive deadline. I know that may seem counterproductive. What is the point of a list if there isn't a finish date? For me, the point is to have a visual representation of the things I dream about doing or the things I think "Oh! We should do that." and then forget. By having something I can refer to weekly/monthly I will be motivated to check off some items without feeling the full weight of a deadline on my shoulders. So here it is in no particular order, a list of 25 (I just picked that number randomly) important-to-me things I'd like to eventually accomplish (hopefully within the next year).

1. Play a song on the guitar in a somewhat recognizable manner.
2. Get a massage & pedicure without feeling guilty or changing my mind at the last minute.
3. Visit the local covered bridges with my camera just in case they do something amazing.
4. Cook something French.
5. Start working out at least 4 times a week.
6. Photograph my grandma.
7. Visit Falling Water by Frank Lloyd Wright
9. Have sushi in Pittsburgh
10. Test out my newly repaired heart with a nice jog. (This should be doable now that my heart rate and blood pressure are almost normal.)
11. Visit the local ashram I saw on my drive to Clarion.
12. Take a yoga class.
13. Finish my wedding scrapbook.
14. Go to Brookville for their annual Christmas festival.
15. Take a business class or two.
16. visit Jen.
17. Take a vacation.
18. Go on a canoe trip
19. Test out the slopes here in western PA.
20. visit Becky.
21. paint the kitchen
22. hang my photos
23. make homemade pasta
25. take David & Erin for a sunset drive on the back roads.

a little more than six months

2009-11-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

That's how long it's been since my surgery. A small part of me feels like I'm living out days I didn't think I would have. I know that seems dramatic, but when you face something like this your brain has to go there. I had to wrap my head around the possibility of not being here, of not having these moments. Knowing that I might not have been here makes this time so sweet. I like to think I lived this way before all the crazy stuff happened, but I probably didn't. I know the exact moment it all changed. David, Erin, Hayden, my mom, grandma, and step-sister, and me had all gathered at the pre-op waiting room (I missed the note about only bringing two visitors with me. Oops). It was very early in the morning and I had on my brave face. Then they called my name. I walked out the door and over to the receptionist who was the hundredth person to ask for my name and personal information. She handed me a pen and some papers to sign and told me to walk down the hall to the nurses station, give them my information, and tell them what surgery I was there for. I stepped back into the waiting room for a quick goodbye, hugged Hayden and Erin, and walked down the hall alone. It was the first time I was there alone, and the first time I really let all of the fear really hit me. For those few minutes as I walked down the hall alone I imagined what it would mean if that was the last time I saw my precious family. I imagined it so clearly that I swore I wouldn't take one more second for granted. It was then that I chose to make all the dreams floating around in my head a reality just as soon as I got out of that hospital. A few minutes later my family was in the prep-room saying goodbye with grandma praying over me and everyone giving me hugs and kisses. I knew then that I would be okay. Eight hours later I woke up in recovery. A hospital room never looked so lovely.

My take on mom's biscuits.

2009-11-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sometime around the age of ten my mom and step-aunt had a little baking war. Everyone loved my aunt's biscuits so my mom decided to refine her recipe. My mom spent many days in the kitchen trying and trying again until she came up with the perfect biscuit recipe. Later we found out that my aunt was using Bisquick all along.

Ingredients:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup shortening ( I like to add a little extra too.)
6 tbsp butter divided
4 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp sugar
1 egg
3/4 cups of milk or buttermilk

Preheat oven to 450 degrees

Step 1
Sift flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder in medium size bowl.

Step 2
Add shortening and 2 tablespoons of butter to dry ingredients. Using a pastry cutter cut the shortening and butter into the dry mixture until well mixed.

Step 3
Add milk or buttermilk and eggs and stir just until ingredients are well mixed. You don't want to over mix the batter because it will make your biscuits tough.

Step 4
Roll dough out onto floured surface and knead 15-20 times. Again, you don't want to over knead. Flouring your hands first makes this much easier. Pat the dough out until it is about 1/4 inch thick.

Step 5
Cut remaining butter into small chunks and place on top of dough. Flip dough over onto itself and pat out again. You can repeat this step as many times as you'd like. The more you do it the flakier the biscuits will be.

Step 6
Press your dough out one last time and cut using a biscuit cutter. Make sure to press down straight and not twist. You can use a glass if you don't have a biscuit cutter.

Step 7
Place biscuits next to each other in the baking pan. They bake a little higher if you have them right up against each other. Place biscuits in pre-heated oven and bake for 10-12 minutes

Step 8
Top with your favorite topping and enjoy! Erin loves hers with just butter. I like butter & honey or black currant preserves. Of course we're both fans of biscuits and chocolate gravy, and McDonald's has nothing on my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit!

Boring you with more poetry.

2009-11-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

I just can't help myself. I'm reading this book and each poem stirs me. Each one is like a light being turned on in my soul. I read them and I remember something I'm not even sure I knew.

Aimless Love
Billy Collins

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor's window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door--
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor--
just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.

I feel like this is what it's like to be alive and in the moment. You fall in love with everything around you when you are alive enough to appreciate it. Even the dead mouse becomes something to love.

creative costumes that cost less...

2009-11-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

I see no sense in spending loads of $$ on costumes. Growing up, I wore costumes that utilized what we had around the house. I think I was a gypsy for most of the Halloweens we got to dress up and trick-or-treat. ( My mom developed a crazy "Halloween is for the Devil" attitude when I was about 10 so we stopped celebrating Halloween.) My gypsy costume was an old broom skirt, my moms makeup and big hoop earrings, and a bandanna. It was fun and it worked!
This year Erin decided she wanted to dress as Alice from the Twilight series so we searched online for some costume ideas and decided on a dress with a black sweater, tights, and ballet flats. We also thought that dramatic makeup and flipped out hair would add the perfect touch. So we searched at Good Will and Salvation Army for the dress and sweater because she already had the shoes and tights, but we found nothing. I just happened to glance on the dress isle at work last week and found the perfect dress and sweater in the clearance section! I spent a total of $9.00 on the sweater and dress thanks to my employee discount. Erin was thrilled when I brought the treasures home! I think the results were fabulous!

Hayden's costume ended up being a bit tricky. I knew I wanted him to be a bear because he makes this funny "roar" noise all the time. I had some material I thought would be a great bear costume and planned on sewing something up, but ended up running out of time and energy thanks to a house full of sick people and two jobs. It was the day before the Parker Halloween Parade and I had nothing for him to wear. Again I scoured the isles of Ross hoping for something. I found a brown sweat suit that made the perfect base to his costume. To that I added a toilet seat cover. No, not the paper kind you sit on, the fuzzy fluffy kind that is popular with grandmas and aunts. I'm not really sure it has any viable purpose, but I found one for 99 cents and though it would make a perfect belly, ears, and tail. So I cut it up and safety pinned it on the brown suit and wala! For around $5.00 I had a costume for Hayden. I just slipped it over his clothes, added a little brown nose and freckles and he was ready to go. Again, the results were fantastic! The best part is, I bought the suit a little big so he can wear it this winter!

2009-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Daily I drive the winding tree lined roads to work. There is so much beauty this time of year that it is all I can do to take it in. I watch amber leaves spin and swirl their way to the ground and I imagine that each one carries a secret message of love from God to me. In the mornings I take the back roads to my grandmas house. As I reach the top of one hill I slow the car to a crawl and watch as the dew settles slowly in the cracks and crevices of this piece of earth I call home. As I drive home in the evening the sun golden and warm glitters through the trees. I feel lucky to be alive and to be here in this time and this place. I read a poem recently by Lisel Mueller titled "Alive Together". The opening line is " Speaking of marvels, I am alive together with you, when I might have been alive with anyone under the sun,". Lisel goes on to recount a list of "others" that her life could have been and ends with this

"alive together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance."

For me, in this moment, it is enough to be alive together with you.

A quick post before work.

2009-10-24T08:19:00.001-07:00

I have to leave for work in exactly 45 minutes and I'm still in my pajamas. How's that for procrastination?
Life at the Jackson house is moving along. I'm always amazed at how quickly days turn into weeks, and weeks in to months and so on. We had dinner with grams and Ish last night. I made roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, steamed veggies, garlic bread, and pumpkin bars. With bellies full we played Phase 10. It took us three hours and we didn't even finish! Erin and Blake were talking pretty much non-stop about anything and everything. Grandma left the game somewhere around level four to put Hayden to sleep. She's been watching him for us while I work and she's developed quite a bond with him. He still cries when I leave him in the morning, but when I return he's all smiles and giggles. On Monday she's planning to take him to the Senior Center with her. I'm sure he'll love all the attention he's sure to get. He's a complete and total flirt especially with the ladies. He bates his long eye lashes and flashes his smile, already working his magic on the ladies.
David is enjoying his new job profusely. He works a normal 8-4:30 schedule and is off on the weekends and all holidays. What is not to love about that after working his previous crazy schedule? We love that he is home more. He's been busy making poker tables again. He just completed one of the coolest poker tables that anyone has ordered from him. It had a dealer cut out, chip tray, and money box. It was silver with black accents. Very cool! I'd upload a photo but we forgot to take one. We were up until 3:30 in the morning finishing the darn thing! He isn't taking anymore orders for a week so we can relax.
I am enjoying the job at JC Penny though I hate the sales part of it. It's a very fast paced environment and I'm learning how to think of poses on the fly. It's really great experience. I do wish there was a little more creativity involved in the use of the camera. I'm used to messing around with all of the settings on my camera to get the look and feel I want in a image. There is none of that in the studio.
Erin is sick with what she is convinced is H1N1. I'm not as convinced. She has a low grade fever, a little nose congestion, and a sore throat. Sound smore like the common cold to me, but I'm watching her closely and making sure she doesn't get any worse.
Hayden is a walking, babbling, screaming, eating, bundle of boy! He loves to be chased through the house and laughs hysterically if we even pretend to chase him. He loves the Wiggles! He even makes a motion to let me know he wants to watch them. I love them too. We dance together and sing with them. It's the best 20 minutes of my day. He also loves his new toy truck that my friend Karen go him for his birthday, and of course he's in love with his big sister. He lights up when she comes home from school. I'm trying not to be to freakish when it comes to what his learning and when. I don't like putting that type of stress on myself or him. He's talking baby talk and mimics our sounds. He pulls books from his book shelf and brings them to me to read. His favorite has all different kinds of textures he can touch. He feels them with his hands and then rubs his cheek with them.

Some photos of our recent trip to the punkin patch for your view pleasure. :) Can you believe it's been a year since he was all warm and cozy in his sling at the punkin patch?

Speaking to me..

2009-10-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

The Summer Day
Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

Everything about this poem speaks to me. From "pale forearms" of the grasshopper to the "wild and precious life". The part about not knowing how to pray and kneeling in the grass makes me think of you, A.

"What is it you plan to do with your ONE WILD and PRECIOUS life?"

Bonnie & Luke

2009-10-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Editing when I should be sleeping.

Bonnie & Luke are a lovely couple whose wedding I will have the pleasure of photographing next summer. We visited Foxburg today during their annual Fall Festival. I was a little worried that the sun wasn't going to cooperate, you never know what to expect here in the fall. The leaves were stunningly beautiful! I notice the change daily and it always takes my breath away. What an amazing season!

2009-10-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

It is late and I am tired, but I don't want to go to bed. The house is quiet and that is a rarity. Hayden, is not pulling at my arm or demanding play time. Erin is not complaining about life in general. David is not sawing, drilling, or doing lord knows what while working on his latest poker table order. There is only the soft hum of the computer and the stillness of night. Even the crickets and bull frogs are quiet.

I am currently scouring ehealthinsurance.com for a new insurance plan. We received David's benefit information and it is through a provider my current surgeon and cardiologist don't accept. Unfortunately, my search is not showing a plan that matches the one offered through his job for the same $$. It looks like I will have to meet and adjust to a new cardiologist. This makes me more than a little sad. I've grown used to my current cardiologist and trust him completely. Luckily, I am through all the serious stuff. All that is left is routine check ups and seeing if we can figure out what is going on with this blood pressure! It's still rather high, 130/70 with medication, and my heart rate is still hovering around 85 with medication.

I have an engagement session and senior session to shoot this weekend. I'm hopeful that the weather will cooperate for both and I can get some pretty pictures. It's been a while since my last session and I'm really looking forward to being behind the camera again.

I'm also hopeful that we'll be able to squeeze in a trip to the pumpkin patch. I can't believe it's been a year since I dressed Hayden in his little pumpkin suit and paraded him through the pumpkins. I remember it like it was yesterday! He was so small and fit perfectly in his sling. I remember wanting nothing more than to be close enough to touch him forever. I still feel that way. At night I move him to our bed when he wakes up and enjoy holding him next to me. He tosses and turns, sometimes hitting his dad or me in the head or laying on top of us. So many people tell us he shouldn't sleep with us, but I ignore them. He will only be a baby for a little while. There are only so many of these moments to savor.

2009-09-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hayden's first birthday party was a success. Of course the combination of presents and chocolate cake is almost always a success. He plowed into his cake as if it were second nature. He must get his love of all things chocolate from me. :) He had a blast running away from us and trying to make it all the way up the steps before we caught him. He played with a few of his new toys and chased after balloons. And now he is sleeping soundly despite the noise from the power tools David is using to build his most recently ordered poker table.

In the middle of party planning and visiting with David's dad I interviewed for a new job on Friday. It's with Life Touch studios in the JC Penny portrait studio. I'm excited about the prospect of learning more about the studio side of photography. I had thought it would be a bland job where I place one kid after another in the same boring setting and click the shutter, but there seems to be much more creative license than I thought. The studio is full of props and back drops. I filled out the background check and as soon as that has processed they'll hopefully give me a job offer. The lady I interviewed with said she thought I was an excellent fit for the position. I'll wait to see what the hours are going to be like before I sign off at Ross. I enjoy my job there, but the hours are so few and they've been calling me off about once every other week. I need something a little more steady than that.

2009-09-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

For Hayden

You are on your way little man. Very soon you will greet the world. I wonder if either of us know what we've gotten ourselves in to. It helps me to know that we'll be traveling this path for the first time together, neither of us having been this way before. I hope that I will be enough for you, but never too much. I hope I can give you the wings you need to fly and not be afraid to let you use them. I have a million dreams for you, but they all boil down to one simple desire, your happiness. Whatever you do, wherever you go, I hope I can give you what it takes to hold on to happiness whatever comes your way. Life is a crazy, rough, beautiful ride. I hope I can give you the courage to hold on through the tough parts and the ability to pause and enjoy the beauty of it all.

love,
mom

I wrote this for Hayden hours before heading to the hospital and headlong into events I could never have imagined. It seems impossible that a year has gone by and that a year could hold so much of the crazy, rough, beautiful ride I spoke of in my note. I have never experienced such high highs and low lows in so close a proximity. At times the beauty and pain was so closely related that I didn't know if I was crying from happiness, sadness, or a combination of the two.
My hope for Hayden has not changed. I hope I can teach him to be happy no matter the situation he is in. I hope I can teach him to be strong and courageous. I hope he will enjoy life no matter what it throws at him.

2009-09-12T05:33:00.001-07:00

My friend, Elaine, has a wonderful post about turning 30 over at her blog, The Rest Of The Story. I thought I'd share it since so many of us are at or nearing that mark. It's an excellent post even if your well past 30.

It's a lazy Saturday at the Jackson house unless your name is Hayden or Mommy. The two of us were up bright and early. I've been going to bed earlier so I don't mind the early morning so much.

It feels as though Fall has arrived a few weeks early. The air has a slight chill to it this morning. Hopefully we'll have a nice fall and not get snow in October!

I'm looking forward to a hair cut today and time with my family.

2009-09-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm being rebellious this evening. My house is a mess and I'm not cleaning it. I'm at least putting off cleaning it long enough to write this post, and the funny thing is I have no idea what I'll write. As I type Erin is eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner and Hayden is crawling towards me with tears streaming down his face. Erin won't give him any of her ice cream. These are the joys of parenting that no magazine can accurately portray.
The past week went by in a frenzy. Gina, Thomas, Jaliel, and Matias filled our home with their presence and at times their loud screaming and tantrum throwing. Life with a three year old seems to be a bit frantic! It's a good thing I have another two years before I have to gain any first hand knowledge. Jaliel and Matias are both cutie pies and it was great to have them here. We managed to make a trip to the Childrens Museum of Pittsburgh, Primanti Brothers for one of Pittsburgh's most famous sandwiches. It was delicious! We also attended the local Labor Day Parade, and had a wonderful campfire complete with smores with a small celebration for Jen's Birthday. The best part of the week was wine tasting at Foxburg Wine Cellars and desert at the Allegheny Grille. We also enjoyed chocolates from Divani Chocolates. Foxburg really is quite the tourist attraction. It's nice to have something like that so close to our tiny town.

In a little less than two weeks David's dad will be here and we'll be off on new adventures. For now David is finishing up his time at Wal-Mart and eagerly anticipating his new job. Erin is settling in to the routine of a new school year. Hayden is trying to adapt to life without two other kidlets running around. And I am reveling in the feeling of having booked my first wedding for next year!

2009-08-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's a scary thing to take a leap of faith and hope that something or one will be there to catch you. David took a new job offer. It pays less but it means he will work Monday through Friday 8:00-4:30 so he'll be home in the evenings and on weekends. The job is solid. He'll be a claims adjuster/damage appraiser for a not so local but very large car dealership. It's one of the largest collision centers in the state. The thought of having him home in the evenings is sweet, but the idea of stretching an already stretched budget even further has my stomach in knots. I did want to learn to live on less, but I think I wanted a more theoretical lesson and less of a real life experience. :) I will be working more to make up the difference and trying like hell to get this photography thing off the ground. It takes most of my willpower just to keep convincing myself that I'm not pretending to be a photographer. Putting myself out there like this is hard work, harder even than taking the photos. Who knew the voices of self doubt could be so loud and relentless?

Erin starts school on Monday. We're both looking forward to a year that goes more smoothly than the last. She and I had a long discussion a few nights ago about how the last year took turns that none of us could have ever expected. We all knew there would be huge change, but we never imagined all of this. Now, the surgery is behind us and Hayden has become a normal and necessary part of life. We've all adapted to new routines and schedules. We've taken on this new life whole heatedly and with that comes the hope that school will be much easier and the routine that was so hard to find last year will come more easily for both of us.

Hayden is almost a year old. Please someone tell me how that happened! He has a new found interest in dancing. From a sitting position he leans forward onto his feet and pushes up with his legs so he's standing strong and tall on his chubby thighs and then begins to bounce up and down. When he is feeling very brave he raises his hands in the air and giggles at his accomplishment. He also loves to sing, play peek-a-boo, bang, objects together, chase the cats while screaming very loudly, and oh yes, play with the computer mouse while mommy is trying to type long overdue blog posts. As I type he is scrolling up and down and has even successfully deleted the entire post twice.

2009-08-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

My grandma turned 76 today. The sister of four brothers, she ran away when the last boy was born refusing to accept the challenge of being the only girl. She grew up on a farm planting, growing, and canning her food. At the young age of 16 she married my grandfather whom she met at a dance. He walked her home and the rest is history. A mother of two daughters and just as many sons, grandmother to one boy and five girls, and great grandmother to three boys and four girls she's spent most of her life caring for children in some capacity. For me and I suspect all of my cousins she is the nurturer. Her hugs are like being wrapped in a warm blanked on a cold winter day. She is always the first to bandage an owie or mend a broken heart. She's been the matriarch of the family for as long as I can remember pulling us all together and keeping us close. I watch her with Hayden and my heart is so full. This is what I wanted for both him and Erin, to be with this woman who has so profoundly shaped my life.

With that comes the realization that I have not spent nearly enough time with my aunt and grandma over the past year. Yes, there have been quite a few things going on so I won't be too hard on myself, but I am going to commit to having Sunday dinner with them weekly. I'll have to check with them first. Their schedules tend to be busier than mine!

From thick bodied women

2009-08-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

I am from biscuits and gravy, from Crisco and cast iron skillets.
I am from the house with the rock garden, the house with the wood burning stove, the houses on 4th and 13th street, and the house that no one talks about.
I am from a handful of houses that overflowed with love and laundry.
I am from the fresh cut grass and the silver maple leaf, the well worn path and the woods behind grandpas house.
I am from watermelon chilled in the spring and fireflies in mason jars.
I am from Saturday morning cartoons, Sundays at grandmas house, and thick bodied women, from Ida, and Georgia, and Helen.
I am from generosity and an honest days work.
I am from be quiet in church and eat whats on your plate.
I am from Sunday school and summer camp, from bible study and early morning prayer.
I am from faith that has been broken and hope that there is more to the story.
I am from deep red clay, Cains Tea, and chocolate gravy,
from the woman who traveled from Texas to Arkansas in a covered wagon and lived to be 99 years old and the woman who ate lard by the spoonful.
I am from the dust covered memory filled chest, the card board box full of photos in the garage, and the album lined shelves in grandmas room, from pictures that tell the story in black and white and stories that have no pictures at all.

This was a fun writing prompt. Here are the instructions if you want to try it yourself. I loved thinking about where I am really from. It also made me think about what Erin would write here and what Hayden will one day write.

2009-07-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Life is good right now. We are living on less that we ever have, but I'm doing what I love and that is worth it.
My recent trip to Virginia Beach with Jen and her sister Karen was unbelievably fun. It was a short trip, but we laughed almost the entire time! We ate some great sea food, listened to some good music, and played in the ocean. We all want to go back next summer and stay a little longer.
The job is strange. They went from scheduling me 10 hour days to only scheduling me one day a week. I'm not sure if that is worth the time and effort or not.
My tomatoes are HUGE! I can't wait for them to ripen up. The Dahlias are blooming. The black raspberries have all been picked. Life is good.

Just a glimpse into the silly antics I put my friends through.

2009-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

I think I'm so funny. Really. I make myself laugh all the time over the most stupid things. Yesterday Jen and I were in Hallmark looking through cards. I showed her a card and she asked me how much it was. I told her it was $2.99 and then added ..unless your Canadian. It's $3.99 if your Canadian. Then I dared her to tell the sales associate that she was Canadian and needed to pay more for the cards. She wouldn't do it though. Yep, I'm a dork.

2009-07-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

My sisters visit was so much fun. I don't think I can describe our relationship in words. We've been together since conception and it seems that no amount of time or distance can take away from our bond. We are literally like to halves that make up a whole. I miss her desperately and am so hopeful that she'll move back here very soon. This visit with her was exactly what I imagine life to be once she moves here, campfires in the evening, our kids running around like they've eaten an entire bag of sugar, and the two of us laughing just because it feels good to laugh.

Life at the Jackson house hasn't slowed down one bit. The new job is a job. That is the best thing I can say about it at this point. It's a brand new store and the kinks are still being worked out so I'm sure it will get better. The photography business is taking off slowly but surely. I'm having so much fun photographing families, couples, and weddings. My next wedding is this coming Thursday on the beach! I can't wait!

Hayden is growing as fast as ever. His two top teeth are coming in and they are adorable. He's so close to walking we're all holding our breath for those first few steps. He's also learned how to crawl up the stairs. Luckily he hasn't attempted it without adult supervision. Time for a baby gate!

Erin is enjoying the lazy video game playing days of summer. She'll be leaving with my dad, step-mom, step-sister, and nephew for a trip to Atlantic City, Six Flags New Jersey, and the beach next week. She's going to have an amazing time.

2009-07-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

My house is a hurried frenzy of children running this way and that and I love it. My sister and I went through old photos this morning and laughed so hard we cried. It feels good to feel this way again. I am thirty, still young compared to many. More of my life stretches before me than lies behind me and the future remains as big a mystery as it always has. Tomorrow my family will be here to celebrate Independence Day. We'll have lots of food and even more laughter and I will soak it all in. I will treasure each second because they will leave soon and I will miss them like crazy.

Because there are so many who need a good tickle.

2009-07-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not Yet Tickled

How did those priest ever get so serious
and preach all that
gloom?

I don't think God
tickled them
yet.

Beloved- hurry.

St. Teresa of Avila

2009-06-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

My small part of the world is so beautiful during the early evening hours that I want to swallow the amber glow of the setting sun whole. I wanted to capture the beauty of it on film today, but I was busy keeping Hayden from eating grass.
We sat in the humidity for a few hours today selling baby things at the community yard sale. By two o'clock we'd had all we could stand and decided it was time to swim. It was Hayden's first trip to the pool and he had so much fun. He kicked and splashed, tried to drink the water, and even went under water once. He came up coughing and laughing. I'm trying so hard to soak up all of these moments. They grow so quickly and I don't want to feel as if I've missed anything.

I don't think I've told you that I got a job. It's a part time job at my favorite retail store, Ross. I took it mostly because I want the discount, but also to help finance my photography business and to give our income a little boost. I also want David to feel like he has the freedom to look for another job. He's quickly becoming frustrated with his current schedule and long drive. He's put in a few applications and we're waiting to hear back. I hope he finds something with normal hours that is closer to home. I'll be sad to be away from Hayden, but it will only be for a few hours a day and my grandma will be with him so he'll be well taken care of.

I'm really looking forward to my twin being here next week. I have no idea what type of adventures we'll go on, but we always manage to have fun. She could really use your thoughts/prayers right now. I'm hopeful that this few weeks away will strengthen and renew her spirit for the road ahead.

On and on and on it goes.

2009-06-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. Blogging seems to be a luxury these days.
Hayden is crawling faster than I can think and loves to explore. I wouldn't trade these days, but I won't miss the constant run to keep up with him. He's growing so fast. Currently, he is waving hello, saying his version of "hi", bumping knuckles, and almost standing up. He still loves squash and sweet potatoes and is trying things like chicken and vegetable dinner, and spaghetti and meatballs, but isn't sure about those yet. He loves chicken (I'm guessing he gets that from me.) and bread. He's also a big fan of whatever I'm eating. He only has the two teeth still, but he loves using them to chew.
Erin is enjoying her summer. She's gone on a few ATV rides with her dad, is playing lots of softball, and is really looking forward to swimming when the rain ends. This morning she woke up with a big smile on her face and proceeded to share with me that she had the most wonderful dream in which she made out with a super hot guy. Yep, I bet you're all super jealous of me right now. Who doesn't want a completely hormone crazed teenage daughter?!?
David is working all the time. He's currently on the hunt for a new job and has a few good leads. He's looking for something a little closer to home.
Me? I'm feeling much better than I have in weeks. I drastically underestimated what having open heart surgery would do to my body and energy level. I even further underestimated what another sickness a few weeks after surgery would do to my psyche. I went through a little rough patch for about a week when I wondered why in the hell I put myself through all of that anyway, but now I'm feeling almost back to normal. I'm perusing the photography thing with a vengeance and have gotten great response from so many people. I have four weddings scheduled for this summer! My twin sister will be here in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to having her and my beautiful niece and nephew here. The gardens are planted, the house is clean, the weather is wonderful. It's going to be a good summer.

The Scar

2009-06-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm self conscious about it in a way I did not expect to be. It's visable above the top of almost every shirt I own. It is red and rises from my pale white skin snaking between my breast. I don't like that it's there for everyone to see. It tells a story I'd rather not be told until I'm ready to tell it. People see it and start conversations with questions like "Is that what I think it is? You are much too young for that!". One man saw it and welcomed me to the "zipper club".

love Monday morning

2009-06-01T05:49:00.001-07:00

2009-06-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

My recent stay in the hospital was difficult, even more difficult than the stay in September that kept me away from Hayden. At least with that one and the one for the surgery I was heavily medicated.
I went to the ER thinking I would be prescribed antibiotics and sent home. When they started a drip of Vancomiacin, I knew I wasn't going home. On Sunday they said I'd be going home on Tuesday. When I spiked a fever early Tuesday morning I knew I wasn't going home and had a bit of a break down. I called David crying, and then my mom called and I started crying again. I don't handle fevers well anyway and when you combine a fever with a lonely hospital room it makes for a very whinny Sandra.
From my count I was poked for blood draws a total of 15 times, some were successful and others were not. My veins seem to sense needles and put on their armor of steel. By Thursday the doctors decided to stop playing around and ordered a CT, echo of the heart, EKG, and an echo of both legs to rule out a blood clot. The CT was nasty. I'm almost certain that whatever they give you via IV kills cells. It feels like your cells are melting and makes you feel like you are wetting your pants even though you aren't. At least it didn't last as long as the MRI I had in September, and the little hole they put you in is open on both sides so there was no claustrophobic reaction. It was very cool to see an echo of my heart post operation. The last tech to do one before the surgery showed me the hole and how the blood shunted from the right chamber to the left. This time I was able to point out the repair on my own. There was no shunting.
Thursday afternoon I had the worst case of chills I have ever had in my life and I've had a lot of fevers. My entire body shook so hard I'm not sure how I stayed on the bed and I was certain I was going to either bite my tongue off or chip a tooth. Luckily my dad and step-mom had stopped by for a visit and she covered me in blankets so I could at least get comfortable. My temp went up to 102.5 and finally broke an hour and a half after taking 800mg Motrin.
By Friday morning they had ruled out every other possible diagnosis. The infectious disease team came in and ran a few more tests to rule out pneumonia because there is a slight void in my left lower lung. It's most likely a result of the surgery and me not taking deep enough breaths because it hurts. All of the tests came back negative leaving pericarditis as the only possibility. As soon as they put me on Motrin the fevers went away.
By Saturday morning I'd gone 36 hours without a fever and all of the specialists agreed I could go home. I called David at 7:30 in the morning and told him to COME GET ME! He arrived around 9:30 and I had been ready to go for an hour. I jumped in the wheel chair ( they make you leave by wheel chair) and told David to get me out of there before they found a reason to keep me.
Since coming home I've had no fevers, chills, or body aches. I can feel when I'm over doing it and I take a rest. Mentally I'm ready for this to be over. I am ready to be back to my old self again. I'm crossing my fingers that nothing else hinders the recovery process.

Full of Funny

2009-05-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

When we lived in Sunnyvale friends would tell us about the crazy city ordinances that kept them both amused and frustrated. There were rules like keeping wheel covers on the tires of motor homes when they weren't in use, not being able to cut down a tree with out a permit, and not being able to display signage without a free permit which was only good for 30 consecutive days or the same amount of days broken up into weekends. I used to shake my head and laugh at the politics that seemed to be involved in everything.

Yesterday we received a letter from the city letting us know that our grass had grown beyond the six inch height allowed by city grass ordinance and that we have 14 days to mow it or we will be fined $300-$1000. If we happen to have a second offense we will be given 72 hours to comply. If we fail to comply the city will have our lawn mowed for us and we will be required to pay up to $100 for the service. If we fail to pay a lien will be placed on the property.

At first I was pissed off. It's our land and if we want our grass to be tall then it will be tall. Then, I had to laugh. We moved from one place of micromanaged citizens to another. How hilarious is it that people even care how tall my grass is? In reality there are three large patches of grass that are overgrown because we need to use the push mower in those places and my dear husband has been busy dealing with everything else in our lives while I recover. Mowing the lawn fell to the bottom of the list below caring for Hayden, Erin, and me, making sure we have clean dishes and laundry, caring for the dogs, and, oh yes, working full time so that we can pay our bills and eat. I'm tempted to meticulously cut only the grass to the six inch level and allow the weeds to grow as tall as they can. After all the notice said nothing about weeds.

2009-05-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on our way out of Pittsburgh we drove down a city street that reminded me of San Francisco. The shops and restaurants were squeezed so tightly together I wondered if they could breathe. There was a young man on the corner with a banjo and a nose ring. He strummed his strings and sang something about not paying taxes. I glanced at him and we shared the kind of smile that warms the soul. The street light flashed green and on we drove with the image of the banjo player dancing through my mind and his smile lighting up my soul. There is happiness if we look for it. All around us there are people doing what they love and living a life where what you have or don't have doesn't really matter, where a song in your heart and a smile on your lips is enough.

Time

2009-05-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

" And an astronomer said, Master, what of Time?
And he answered:
You would measure time the measureless and the immeasurable.
You would adjust your conduct and even direct the course of your spirit according to hours and seasons.
Of time you would make a stream upon whose bank you would sit and watch its flowing.
Yet the timeless in you is aware of life's timelessness,
And knows that yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream.
And that that which sings and contemplates in you is still dwelling within the bounds of that first moment which scattered the stars into space.
Who among you does not feel that his power to love is boundless?
And yet who does not feel that very love though boundless, encompassed within the center of his being, and moving not from love thought to love thought, nor from love deeds to other love deeds?
And is not time even as love is, undivided and spaceless?
But if in your thought you must measure time into seasons, let each season encircle all the other seasons,
And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing. "

Kahlil Gibran

His writings are speaking to my heart right now. I feel it all stirring again. For the last few months my mind has orbited around the thought of surgery. Now, my mind is free again. I love that feeling.

Behind Me

2009-05-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad to have the surgery and all the worries and fears I had regarding it behind me. I still have some recovering to do, but I'm very surprised at how easy the recovery is compared to how difficult I thought it would be. I'm in a minimal amount of pain that is only intensified with the occasional coughing fit and sneeze. The most difficult part is not being able to do anything. I can't lift more than 5lbs, raise both hands over my head, put both hands behind my back, or push or pull anything more than 5 lbs. Those are pretty tough restrictions when you think about daily living and even more tough when you include caring for a baby. It's so difficult not to be able to pick up and comfort Hayden when he cries. I have to depend on my mom, David, or Erin to pick him up and give him to me and they can only give him to me if he's in the mood to be relatively still which he most often is not. So I settle for giving him lots of kisses and holding him while I feed him his bottle. Sometimes I even get to hold him once he's gone to sleep. The next four and a half weeks are going to be very hard for me when it comes to Hayden. I miss holding and cuddling him.
My mom, David, and Erin are all pitching in to make life a little easier. I can't do the laundry so Erin has been lugging the loads up and down the stairs and my mom and I fold them. David and My mom have been taking care of almost everything else.

Pennsylvania is beautiful this time of year. It rains a lot, but the rain brings out the most beautiful shades of green. The days are warming up and the nights are cold, my favorite combination. I have visions of hot dog roasts and conversations by campfire. Life seems full of possibility and peace right now. I have a daughter who is diving into teenage hood, a son growing teeth, and a husband who adores me. Things feel pretty sweet right now in spite ( or maybe because ) of the seven inch incision on my chest.

2009-05-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

We leave for the hospital early in the morning. I'm more than ready to get this over with. David will call Aola with an update as soon as I'm out of surgery.

I was never able to write the letters I talked about. Writing them required imagining life without me and I'm neither that strong or creative.

I know I will make it through this, but I've also learned that life is nothing if not unpredictable. I want each of you to know how strong beautiful and amazing you are and how incredibly lucky I feel to be a part of our little community here in the blog world and a part of your lives. For the past several years I have shared my life with you and you have shared back. You've given your opinions and advice and you have loved and encouraged me. Thank you.

2009-04-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was beautiful. David and I spent the day working in the yard. It was a bit neglected last summer because of all the chaos, so there was a lot to be done. We managed to put a pretty good dent in it, but there is still more to do. I think there will always be more to do.
My step-sister, nephew, grandma, and aunt came over for dinner. I made pecan crusted salmon for my step-sister, grandma, and me. David made taco's for everyone else. The salmon was delicious! I had it in a restaurant in San Francisco once and I've wanted to make it since, but never got around to it. My sister was in Pittsburgh over the weekend and was nice enough to buy me some fresh salmon so I thought I'd give it a go. I'm glad I did. It was yummy.
We sat out on the porch while we ate. I played one of my favorite cd's and we enjoyed the nice weather and each others company.
For desert I made my favorite cream puff cake. I substituted regular pudding for sugar free because I'm in a more health conscious mood than I have been lately.

This week promises to be busy. Erin has a counseling appointment tomorrow night, softball practice on Thursday, my mom will be here Saturday, and the entire family is meeting for dinner on Sunday. I hope that Erin and I will have a little time to work on the flower garden together, and I'd like to make a trip to Home Depot for an heirloom tomato plant and maybe a strawberry plant. My grandma is handling the big vegetable garden at her house, but I want to have tomatoes here. I'd love to have my own mini garden with garlic, onions, lettuce, cucumbers, and a ton of flowers, but there isn't time for me to do all of that before the surgery. So a few potted herbs, a flower bed, and a tomato plant will have to do this year.

In the begining...

2009-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

The seeds Erin and I planted just four days ago...

We are both so excited about them and check on them several times a day. They seem to be doing wonderfully in their little plastic green house. I will start the herbs tomorrow. They are going in hanging baskets on the porch. We planted a Peony and three Dalia's yesterday. My grandma will be starting the vegetable garden at her house while I am in the hospital. I've enlisted Erin to help with that. They yard is coming along. We still have a ton of work to do. Everything in it's time right?

2009-04-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey had his six month check-up on Monday. He weighs a whopping 18.6 lbs and is 28 inches long. He's crawling like crazy, learning to drink from a sippy cup, and trying all sorts of food thanks to a quick and easy food grinder given to us by our friend Gina. He's taking his baths in the big bath tub and loves it. Bath time is his favorite time. He turns from his back to his tummy and back again. He's tried crawling in the tub and found it was a little more difficult than he expected. He also likes to drink the bath water which makes me crazy. :) He's saying "dadadada, mamamamama, lalalala, and babababa" He has two teeth buds on the bottom. His doctor thinks they'll be in before his next appointment in June. His second favorite part of the day is the morning when he and I lay in the bed and I pull the curtains away from the window and let the light fall on us. Then I let the curtains float back to the window and do it all again. He watches in amazement and coos at the light. I think he could lay there for hours and watch. It's so cute!

I am doing my best to not let my mind wander, but D-day is fast approaching and that task has become more and more difficult. I dream about having a tube stuck in my throat and not being able to tell anyone how much it hurts.

Where my head is...

2009-04-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

When asked what he thought of the meaning of God, grandfather said: “There is an indefinable mysterious Power that pervades everything. I feel it, though I do not see it. It is this unseen Power which makes itself felt and yet defies all proof, because it is so beyond all that we perceive through our physical senses. This unseen Power transcends our rationality and our senses. While we certainly do experience God’s existence, our attempts to reason it out intellectually will always prove to be a humbling and limited exercise.
"Grandfather wrote, “I do dimly perceive that whilst everything around me is ever-changing, ever-dying, there is underlying all that change a Living Power that is changeless, that holds all together, that creates, dissolves and re-creates. That informing Power or Spirit is God…. For I can see that in the midst of death life persists; in the midst of untruth truth persists; in the midst of darkness light persists. Hence I gather that God is Life, Truth, and Light. God is Love. God is the Supreme Good.” "
– Arun Gandhi

2009-04-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hayden is almost asleep in his swing, David and Erin are upstairs having a conversation about boys and why "making out" is not a good idea (welcome to life with a teenager), and I'm contemplating all the ways we could skip this part and go right to the twenty-something-year-old daughter realizes parents were right all along and says she's sorry for trying to sneak away from the bus stop to make out with horny little boys. Actually, I just wish this was as bad as it gets, but I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. It hasn't been that long since I was a teenager, but things have changed so much. Granted, I wasn't what anyone would call a normal teenager, but I did have friends who were normal. The pace of things has picked up so much! Of course we had a few friends who would sneak off and make out at 13, but for the most part that didn't really catch on until we were around 15 or 16. If you could only read the things some of these boys have said to her you would want to pour Clorox in your ear just to clean your mind and I'm really not exaggerating. It was all I could do to keep David from hunting the boy down. He did send him an e-mail letting him know he wasn't to talk to, look at, or think about Erin ever again. He hasn't so much as glanced Erin's direction sense. The only thing worse than having a teenage daughter is having a teenage daughter who doesn't understand just how pretty she is. It's dangerous territory.

2009-04-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

We had dinner with my grandma and aunt tonight. I invited them over and made chicken breast stuffed with Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese, these sweet potatoes, and my grandma made a delicious chocolate cake. It's always nice to spend time with them. I see less of them than I thought I would once we moved here. My grandma has a more active social life than I do. It's sad, I know.

Hayden is crawling. He seems to have a "danger" detector and goes straight for things like the chords by the computer and t.v. and the glider. He keeps me on my toes. He's also developed quite an attitude. When he isn't given what he wants when he wants it he kicks his feet and screams. I know I shouldn't laugh, but it's so funny when he does it. I can tell he is going to be one of those babies that learns the word "no" very quickly. Even with his crawling into danger and fit throwing, I love him to pieces and can't get enough of him. That doesn't mean I didn't completely enjoy a break to sip coffee and converse with Jen on Sunday. Good times with old friends (the friendship is old not Jen) are always welcome! We talked and laughed for hours and covered every major subject except for politics although there was talk about that Ayers guy so maybe we did cover politics.

Erin has decided to try out for cheer leading. I'm signing her up for a tumbling class next week. She's taken a few before so I have no doubt she'll do well. I just have to keep her focused on it. She has a tendency to bounce all over the place. I have that same tendency so it's hard to keep us both on track.

My mind is still full of thoughts about the surgery (mostly the "I don't want to do this" variety) but I'm trying to push those thoughts away for now. It may be best if I let it sneak up on me. Then it will be done and over with before I have a chance to really think about it. That plan will probably only last until they call me for the pre-op appointments this month. Expect a full blown tantrum at that time. I really am trying to keep it all in perspective.

We're having a big family Easter and my aunt wants to know what I'm bringing. Anyone have any good ideas? My aunt requested the sweet potatoes mentioned above so I'll be taking those, but I'd like to take something else too.

2009-03-25T08:44:00.001-07:00

New York City was amazing! It was exactly what I thought it would be. The energy of the city is cranked up to high even on a lazy Sunday afternoon. We got to our hotel around noon on Sunday. David called his friend, Kimi, and we decided that we would take off and see a few things we wanted to see and then meet up with them for dinner. So we walked two and a half blocks from our hotel on 57th and 9th to Central Park. It's still cold and gray so there wasn't much to see, and we had a limited amount of time. So we did a quick walk around and then headed to Columbus Circle Station where we had our first subway adventure! Figuring the subway out took a little bit of time our first trip. We had to ask several people for directions and what we found is that everyone has their own method of getting around on the subway. It's better if you pick your route and go for it. We took the Subway from Columbus Circle Station down to the 42nd street which lands you right in the middle of Times Square. Hayden loved the subway. He laughed and cooed the entire time. Times Square was as busy as I'd imagined it to be. The streets are full of people and lights. We made our way to Toys-R-Us which was on Erin's list. She wanted to see the Barbie house inside which is life size and full of all things Barbie. She loved it! We spent a little time inside looking at the amazing Lego statues, the huge dinosaur, and the ferris wheel inside the store! Hayden decided it was his nap time so he didn't get to see much of the store. We then headed back out into the throngs of people and took in more of the lights and storefronts. We stopped at a bakery for giant chocolate chip cookies and a brownie before heading to Radio City Music Hall and Rockefeller Center where we watched the ice skating rink and got our tickets to Top of the Rock. St. Patrick's Cathedral was next on our list. The outside of the building is spectacular, but under construction. The inside is jaw dropping beautiful! The organ started playing just as we walked through the doors and I think all three of us had to stop and catch our breath. It was that spectacular! David and Erin dipped their hands in the Holy water and did the sign of the cross. I opted to take photos.
From the cathedral we headed to Little Italy for pizza Lombardi's. Surprisingly, we totally had the hang of the subway and didn't have to ask for directions. Navigating the stairs with a stroller was difficult, and I'm sure we looked like tourist, but we didn't mind. When we go back we'll make sure to bring an umbrella stroller. Little Italy evoked a strange feeling because of the obvious mix of old and new. It was like looking at time staked up layer by layer. We met Kimi, Toni, and their friend Bethany, a native to the city, at Lombardi's and experienced the most delicious New York style pizza! The crust was thin and the ingredients were super fresh! After a long day, Hayden got a little fuzzy, but he had done so well the rest of the day that I could hardly blame him. I hope the others in the restaurant weren't annoyed by our fuzzy little man.
After pizza we headed back to Rockefeller Center to visit Top of the Rock. It's the one place Jen said we had to go, and she was right. The view from the 70th story observation deck was indescribably beautiful! It was around 9 p.m. so we got an amazing view of the city lit up. It was freezing cold, but well worth it. By the time we finished a Top of the Rock, we were all tired and ready to head back to the hotel. So we made one last trip on the subway and walked the streets of NYC at night. We made it back to our room and all collapsed almost immediately.
The next morning we said goodbye to Kimi and Toni who had to leave for Penn Station and their bus back to D.C. We took our time getting ready and then said goodbye to The Big Apple, but we're all sure we want to go back. This was a mini trip to test the water, and we all decided we like our little taste of the city. We had planned to visit the Statue of Liberty, but it was so cold we didn't want to take Hayden out. He would have been miserable.
It was a short trip, but I feel like we experienced quite a bit for just a few hours. I feel like we could visit again and not have any trouble finding our way around. My cousin has already given me some great ideas for our next visit and Bethany welcomed us back to her city anytime. She even said she'd show Erin some of the local skate parks. NYC will see us again.

Happy 6 months Hayden!

2009-03-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

His favorites at six months: sweet potatoes, anything that fits into his mouth, his jumperoo, and Erin.

2009-03-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm here, spending mountains of time with Hayden. It seems no matter how much time I spend with him or how many pictures and videos I take of him I can't keep up. He's growing so fast I can't catch my breath. As much excitement as I feel over all of the new things he's experiencing and doing, I'm a little sad at how quickly he is growing. I wouldn't want to stop it, but a pause button would be nice.

Erin is still Erin. She's creative, funny, beautiful, and a hormonal mess. Hayden loves her to pieces and so do I. We fight, but we make up quickly. These days she's pretty consumed with boys and friends. She still lets me in, but I have to bite my tongue a lot. She has to test the water for herself. She's stubborn like that.

David is working all the time. He's going to look for a new job as soon as I have surgery. I miss him. We all do. It will be good for him to have a normal schedule.

I saw the first signs of spring on my walk today. It made me so happy inside.

2009-03-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

I finally got to work in the yard today. I gathered up all the branches that had fallen and picked up some trash that had blown around. I'm really looking forward to planting a garden. I think I'll keep it to flowers and herbs for my garden here. My grandma and I will be working together in her garden and that's were I plan to have all the fruits and vegetables. I'm looking forward to vine ripe tomatoes.

I'm relieved that we've all survived our first winter here. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and according to everyone I've talked to this is one over the worst winters in a while. The temperatures did fall pretty low and there is only so much snow a girl can take before she begs for sun, but all in all I think we fared pretty well. I didn't max out the credit card buying a Caribbean vacation or jump in the car and head for Florida though the thought did cross my mind.

I'm looking forward to a lot of back yard bar-b-ques and more time outside. I've got to get the back porch cleaned off and hang Hayden's swing out there so we can enjoy some evenings outside.

My step-sister introduced me to a lovely walking trail that runs parallel to the Allegheny river. It will make a wonderful replacement to the park Erin and I used to visit. Slowly, we are finding our place here.

2009-03-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

Truth be told, I'm a little bit of a mess. Setting the date for the surgery freaked me out just a little. I'll have to stop breast feeding which seems unfair after all the work I've put into it. Someone else will be caring for Hayden for a week while I'm in the hospital. I want to stomp my feet and scream "This isn't fair!" like a two-year-old. I'm afraid to ask the cardiologist if he thinks more babies are a good idea. The thought of not being able to have more is breaking my heart. Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful for the two beautiful children I have, and trust me, I am, but Lord help the next person who tells me that! I think I've moved past the shocked, scared phase and am now in the pissed-off-want-to-give-the-world-the-finger phase.

I finally finished Hayden's nursery which brought on an overwhelming set of emotions. I hadn't really been in there for longer than it takes to grab an outfit or put his clothes away since before he was born. There was such a strong feeling of then and now as I finished things up. Then, I had no idea any of this would happen. I was in my own little happy world imagining all the things soon-to-be-moms get to imagine. Now, I want to run back and tell that girl to brace herself so this doesn't blindside her. I want to tell her not to take even one second of her pregnancy for granted because this may be the only chance she gets.

The worst part is that I feel completely guilty for feeling like this. I know that there are others with far worse problems and more significant things going on in their lives. Yet here I am whining and moaning. Typically, I'm not the one to throw a pity party for myself. Allowing myself to see this side of me is completely uncomfortable.

*******************************
Holy crap I actually hit the "publish post" button. I've been writing and deleting this same post for about two weeks now.

2009-03-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

I've been avoiding blogging. The thoughts that are running through my head right now resemble bland mushy oatmeal. No one wants to read that. Maybe seeing something pretty will make up for the absence of words.

2009-02-20T16:47:00.000-08:00

He sleeps peacefully, his still bald head cradled perfectly in the curve of my arm. Impossibly small lungs expand and contract in a rhythm twice the speed of my own. His soft breath warms my cheek and I can't imagine a better feeling. Years from now when this life gives way to whatever is next this will be the memory on my lips, the story I tell to whoever will listen. This will be the moment that made it all worth it.

2009-02-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

"It ain't worth nothing anyway." She said as if the monetary worth of something was the end all be all.
We were standing at the top of the hill behind the Big House at the edge of what is now my fathers land. From our vantage point the land stretched and rolled below us. The Big House sitting directly in front of us seemed small and frail unlike the house I remembered from my childhood. Its century old walls leaned slightly to the right and the paint was chipped away leaving only the dull grey of weathered wood. My grandmothers box-like house sat far off to the right just beyond a tree line that would have hidden it from view had the trees not been naked. I took in the view as she spoke and shook my head in protest. It was worth something to me, but I had no way of explaining that to her. How do you add up the value of a thousand memories? What is the cost of a balmy summer night hunting fire flies or of an evening spent watching heat lightning from the bed of grandpas old blue Chevy? What value could I ever put on the connection I feel to this place? It doesn't matter to me if it could be sold for a million dollars or ten cents. For me, its value is added up in the memories of a handful of summers that are woven into the fabric of my being. How could I ever put a price on that?