Thursday, October 23, 2008

Everyone told me how little sleep I would get, but they never mentioned how much I wouldn't mind the lost hours of slumber. They never told me that seconds with him would be so delicious I'd gobble them all up and still not be full. Even when he is crying and fussy, which he almost never is, I love being with him. At night I pull his cradle as close to the bed as I can and fall asleep with my hand caressing his chubby little face. If I weren't so afraid of suffocating him he'd sleep next to me.

Today for the first time, I ventured out without him. It was only for an hour and we just went to pick up a few things from the store. I didn't worry about him while I was gone. He was with his great grandma who loves him like crazy.

Erin is working through some things, very difficult things. Life hasn't been easy or fair for her. I console her as much as possible, but let her feel what she is feeling. I'm trying to get her to see the full side of life. I want her to know that bad things happen, but that doesn't make life bad. I want her to see that bad things happen to good people so anything that has happened to her isn't a reflection of her worth or value. This is where she struggles the most. She wraps her value up in everything that has happened and she blames herself. I tell her it could never be her fault. She was young and innocent and perfect. She still is. It's so sad that adult actions have consequences that break a child like this. She is broken, but I think she is on the mend. She's talking about things and working through them. It's tough to walk through this with her. There are times when she lashes out and I forget that it has everything to do with all that has happened and nothing to do with me. I lose my cool and rant and rave. Then I remember and say I'm sorry. We hug and she opens up a little more about what she's really feeling. Each time it brings us closer to a day when she'll be whole again. A day when she can look in the mirror and know that none of this was her fault. I can't wait for that day.

4 comments:

Kristen said...

You are such a terrific mom, Sandra.

I feel that way about Alyssa, too--the first night we tried to put her in her pack-n-play by the bed, I just missed her so much! Two feet away! Silly, but true. I think you get used to them being with you since they were IN you for so long.

aola said...

I've said it a hundred times before but I will say it again - you are the best thing that ever happened to Erin and she is so blessed to have you in her life.

sounds like you are savoring every moment with Hayden - you are a smart Mama!

Cara said...

I'm glad that Erin has someone that is loving and wise and stable to help her through this daily struggle. The stability and love alone will help her heal more than a thousand couselors ever could.

I have heard new mothers over and over be in shock at how 'IN love' they are with their babies....that's just cool!

Denise said...

Love never fails Sandy,,,,,,, it never fails..... that is what the Father God tells us...... your love for her will bring healing....... it has to............ Love never fails..........