Do you ever have those moments when you feel like it is all going by to quickly? In March we will celebrate my husbands 35th birthday. Thirty-five isn't old. I know this. What I also know is that the last ten years have gone by in the blink of an eye! I remember his 25th birthday like it was yesterday. I had "happy quarter of a century" put on his cake. In the last ten years we've adopted Erin, said goodbye to several family members and a few furry friends. We both finished school. We've moved across the country and had Hayden. We've lived the last ten years but a part of me feels like I am never really in the moment. I'm always waiting for the next big thing or working towards some self imposed goal. I don't want the next ten years to feel like this. I don't want to spend my time waiting the days away. I want to be fully aware of each moment and embracing each and every day. I'm not entirely sure how to live this way but I'm going to figure it out! I don't want to wake up ten years from now when Erin is 26 and Hayden us 13 only to realize that one again time has slipped through my hands.

These Days

They are full, these days.  I'm learning more than I did in nursing school.  I care for 28 patients on a memory support unit.  My day is filled with med passes and paperwork but what I really want to do is sit with patients and talk with those who can remember about the photos hanging on their wall.  I lost my first patient.  I say that as if I had anything to do with it.  I saw the modeling climb from her feet to her head.  I watched her chest rise and fall furiously.  And I saw her lifeless body calm and serene, her hands neatly placed over her and her glasses lying on her chest.  It didn't feel like I thought it would. I wasn't overcome with grief or scared.  In a strange way it seemed procedural.  This is what happens to us all.  The lucky one's make it this far.  A long life, well lived.  I read in her obituary that she received a Bachelor of Fine Arts at the age of 70. 

In caring for these patients I'm constantly amazed by life and the twists and turns in can take.  I'm also inspired to make the most of this one chance. 

Alive Together: Lisel Mueller

Speaking of marvels, I am alive
together with you, when I might have been
alive with anyone under the sun,
when I might have been Abelard’s woman
or the whore of a Renaissance pope
or a peasant wife with not enough food
and not enough love, with my children
dead of the plague. I might have slept
in an alcove next to the man
with the golden nose, who poked it
into the business of stars,
or sewn a starry flag
for a general with wooden teeth.
I might have been the exemplary Pocahontas
or a woman without a name
weeping in Master’s bed
for my husband, exchanged for a mule,
my daughter, lost in a drunken bet.
I might have been stretched on a totem pole
to appease a vindictive god
or left, a useless girl-child,
to die on a cliff. I like to think
I might have been Mary Shelley
in love with a wrong-headed angel,
or Mary’s friend. I might have been you.
This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless,
our chances of being alive together
statistically nonexistent;
still we have made it, alive in a time
when rationalists in square hats
and hatless Jehovah’s Witnesses
agree it is almost over,
alive with our lively children
who—but for endless ifs—
might have missed out on being alive
together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance.



I know I've posted part of this poem before.  I just love it so very much!  Sometimes nothing in life makes sense except that it does.  When I think about the other things that could have been but are not I can't help but be thankful for what is.  I am alive together with you when it could have been any other way, really.  

I know what he'll miss the most.

Hershey's chocolate
and Tasty Cakes
cold orange soda

Sunday dinner
with the family
though he's missed
that for a while now

the sound of
laughter
both his own
and those around him

his beautiful wife
and the way
he could see
the last 67 years
in her eyes.

telling stories
beautiful and amazing stories
about his first car
his first love
roller skating
movies that were a nickel
and adventures in airplanes

playing skipbo
dominoes
and pick-up-sticks

He'll miss me.
Not in the same way I miss him
with tears and a broken heart
but with a gentle yearning
that makes him pause now and then
just to see if I've made my way home.

and when I do
he'll call out my name
"Sandy dandy, sweet as candy"
and greet me with a hug.
which is exactly what I miss the most.

I wrote this in the months after my grandpa died and never published it.  I guess I thought it wasn't finished, or wasn't good enough.  Now I just want it here to remember.  

The last three weeks have been a crazy chaotic mess.  We've been dealing with over-the-top drama with Erin.  It's almost been enough to make me want to stick my head in the sand or runaway.  If I hadn't been so stressed I probably would have just broken down and cried, but I never had the time or energy to do that.  My only option was to face each minute knowing that eventually I'd be on the other side of it.  We still aren't completely on the other side of it.  Is there really such a place?  We are moving through it.  Wading through the hurt feelings, I'm sorries, and ways to make it better.  If I had all the answers I'd make it all better.  I'd say the words and wave my magic wand, but I don't.  So we will walk this path one step at a time praying and searching for each next step. Through all of this I hope Erin finds herself.  That she is able to let old wounds heal and stop rehashing a past that can only bring her more pain.  I hope she is able to see that she is not defined by what she has been through.  For months I've had a phrase rolling around in my head "you can change your stripes".  I hope that Erin changes her stripes. 

Lately I feel far away from myself.  I've been so focused on school and raising a family that I lost sight of me.  It's good that I know that.  It's good that I'm taking the time to step away from it all and just breath.  This week I've been extremely anxious about finding a job RIGHT NOW!  I'm not sure why.  This week is no different than last week when I didn't have a job.  The world will not stop spinning.  We will not go hungry.  I had to step back from it and listen to my gut.  It told me to take my time, to stop listening to all the negative voices in my head, and to just let things be. 

My Current Figsation

I'll admit, it took me far to long to come up with that incredibly lame title.  Sure there are about a bazilion ways this currently unemployed former nursing student could spend her days but thinking up lame blog titles is so much fun I couldn't resist.

Since moving to Pennsylvania the dwindling days of summer fill my mind with one thing, figs.  Sadly, the steel state is not known for fig growing and they can be very difficult to find. Yesterday as I was strolling through the produce section I stumbled upon a few figs hidden between the grapes and fruit platters.  There were only a few containers and the first two I picked up contained moldy rotten figs.  Luckily the third or fourth container had a somewhat better selection so I snagged it immediately dreaming of what I would make with my fig find!

I pulled out my favorite baking book and found a recipe for a free form fruit galette.  It didn't call for figs, so I made some adaptations. 

Of course it all began with figs.  I think they are one of the most beautiful fruits, and they are so delicious with just a drizzle of honey that I almost decided to just eat them all this way.

In the end I made the galette, and it was equally delicious although no one else in the house thinks so. I guess they aren't fig fans.

Basic Pastry Recipe 
from "Home Baking: The Artful Mix of Flour and Tradition Around the World"


1& 1/2 cups all-purpose flour sifted
1/cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 & 1/2 sticks of cold un-salted butter cut into cubes
1/4 cup ice cold water



Place flour, sugar, and salt in a bowl.  Add butter and cut into flour mixture with pastry cutter until mixture is pea size.  Add cold water two tablespoons at a time just until pastry comes together.  Roll dough into a ball, place in plastic bag and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Fig Filling

1 pound fresh figs each cut into six wedges
5 tablespoons of honey
pinch of salt
2 tablespoons lemon juice

Mix ingredients and set aside.


Roll out the dough to 1/4 inch thickness.  Fill with fig mixture leaving 1/2 inch of dough on all sides.  Fold the dough up over the filling.  Bake in 375 degree oven for 25 minutes or until crust is golden brown and fig filling is bubbling.

I chose to drizzle a little extra honey over the entire thing once it was finished.  It was oh so yummy!

I don't know where the last month has gone.  It's a bit of a blur.  My brain has been consumed with school.  I can barely believe that I will graduate in a little more than one month.  When I think of the transformation that has taken place over the last year I am amazed. I remember walking into class on the first day.  My heart was racing and I felt so unsure of what awaited me.  During orientation our administrator had us write down a three word phrase that fit our lives for that morning.  Some of my classmates wrote things like "I got lost.", "Where's the bathroom?", and "I'm so nervous.".   I wrote "The journey begins."  For me nursing isn't something I fell into or a choice I made because I felt I had no other option.  For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a nurse, and I am almost there.  Sure, there will be much more schooling ahead.  I want to go on for my BSN, and I'd like to specialize in pediatric nursing.  This is just one small step in my journey, but when I look back it will be the small step that started it all.  The past year has had it's highs and lows.  Overall I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had to learn and grow as a person and nurse.  As difficult as some of it has been, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Here's hoping that these last few weeks go by quickly and that I find the perfect job for me.