it's a start

I am inspired by Melissa Jill to create a list of things I want to do. You know, the big and not so big dreams and goals we all keep in the back of our mind? Yea, that's the one. The problem with an actual written out list is that it's too demanding. I know it will always be there screaming at me to get done. So, I'm making a list but much smaller that Melissa's 101 in 1001 and without a completely definitive deadline. I know that may seem counterproductive. What is the point of a list if there isn't a finish date? For me, the point is to have a visual representation of the things I dream about doing or the things I think "Oh! We should do that." and then forget. By having something I can refer to weekly/monthly I will be motivated to check off some items without feeling the full weight of a deadline on my shoulders. So here it is in no particular order, a list of 25 (I just picked that number randomly) important-to-me things I'd like to eventually accomplish (hopefully within the next year).

1. Play a song on the guitar in a somewhat recognizable manner.
2. Get a massage & pedicure without feeling guilty or changing my mind at the last minute.
3. Visit the local covered bridges with my camera just in case they do something amazing.
4. Cook something French.
5. Start working out at least 4 times a week.
6. Photograph my grandma.
7. Visit Falling Water by Frank Lloyd Wright
9. Have sushi in Pittsburgh
10. Test out my newly repaired heart with a nice jog. (This should be doable now that my heart rate and blood pressure are almost normal.)
11. Visit the local ashram I saw on my drive to Clarion.
12. Take a yoga class.
13. Finish my wedding scrapbook.
14. Go to Brookville for their annual Christmas festival.
15. Take a business class or two.
16. visit Jen.
17. Take a vacation.
18. Go on a canoe trip
19. Test out the slopes here in western PA.
20. visit Becky.
21. paint the kitchen
22. hang my photos
23. make homemade pasta
25. take David & Erin for a sunset drive on the back roads.

a little more than six months

That's how long it's been since my surgery. A small part of me feels like I'm living out days I didn't think I would have. I know that seems dramatic, but when you face something like this your brain has to go there. I had to wrap my head around the possibility of not being here, of not having these moments. Knowing that I might not have been here makes this time so sweet. I like to think I lived this way before all the crazy stuff happened, but I probably didn't. I know the exact moment it all changed. David, Erin, Hayden, my mom, grandma, and step-sister, and me had all gathered at the pre-op waiting room (I missed the note about only bringing two visitors with me. Oops). It was very early in the morning and I had on my brave face. Then they called my name. I walked out the door and over to the receptionist who was the hundredth person to ask for my name and personal information. She handed me a pen and some papers to sign and told me to walk down the hall to the nurses station, give them my information, and tell them what surgery I was there for. I stepped back into the waiting room for a quick goodbye, hugged Hayden and Erin, and walked down the hall alone. It was the first time I was there alone, and the first time I really let all of the fear really hit me. For those few minutes as I walked down the hall alone I imagined what it would mean if that was the last time I saw my precious family. I imagined it so clearly that I swore I wouldn't take one more second for granted. It was then that I chose to make all the dreams floating around in my head a reality just as soon as I got out of that hospital. A few minutes later my family was in the prep-room saying goodbye with grandma praying over me and everyone giving me hugs and kisses. I knew then that I would be okay. Eight hours later I woke up in recovery. A hospital room never looked so lovely.

My take on mom's biscuits.

Sometime around the age of ten my mom and step-aunt had a little baking war. Everyone loved my aunt's biscuits so my mom decided to refine her recipe. My mom spent many days in the kitchen trying and trying again until she came up with the perfect biscuit recipe. Later we found out that my aunt was using Bisquick all along.

Ingredients:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup shortening ( I like to add a little extra too.)
6 tbsp butter divided
4 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp sugar
1 egg
1 1/4 cups of milk or buttermilk

Preheat oven to 450 degrees

Step 1
Sift flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder in medium size bowl.



Step 2
Add shortening and 2 tablespoons of butter to dry ingredients. Using a pastry cutter cut the shortening and butter into the dry mixture until well mixed.




Step 3
Add milk or buttermilk and eggs and stir just until ingredients are well mixed. You don't want to over mix the batter because it will make your biscuits tough.



Step 4
Roll dough out onto floured surface and knead 15-20 times. Again, you don't want to over knead. Flouring your hands first makes this much easier. Pat the dough out until it is about 1/4 inch thick.



Step 5
Cut remaining butter into small chunks and place on top of dough. Flip dough over onto itself and pat out again. You can repeat this step as many times as you'd like. The more you do it the flakier the biscuits will be.



Step 6
Press your dough out one last time and cut using a biscuit cutter. Make sure to press down straight and not twist. You can use a glass if you don't have a biscuit cutter.


Step 7
Place biscuits next to each other in the baking pan. They bake a little higher if you have them right up against each other. Place biscuits in pre-heated oven and bake for 10-12 minutes



Step 8
Top with your favorite topping and enjoy! Erin loves hers with just butter. I like butter & honey or black currant preserves. Of course we're both fans of biscuits and chocolate gravy, and McDonald's has nothing on my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit!

Boring you with more poetry.

I just can't help myself. I'm reading this book and each poem stirs me. Each one is like a light being turned on in my soul. I read them and I remember something I'm not even sure I knew.

Aimless Love
Billy Collins

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor's window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door--
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor--
just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.


I feel like this is what it's like to be alive and in the moment. You fall in love with everything around you when you are alive enough to appreciate it. Even the dead mouse becomes something to love.

creative costumes that cost less...

I see no sense in spending loads of $$ on costumes. Growing up, I wore costumes that utilized what we had around the house. I think I was a gypsy for most of the Halloweens we got to dress up and trick-or-treat. ( My mom developed a crazy "Halloween is for the Devil" attitude when I was about 10 so we stopped celebrating Halloween.) My gypsy costume was an old broom skirt, my moms makeup and big hoop earrings, and a bandanna. It was fun and it worked!
This year Erin decided she wanted to dress as Alice from the Twilight series so we searched online for some costume ideas and decided on a dress with a black sweater, tights, and ballet flats. We also thought that dramatic makeup and flipped out hair would add the perfect touch. So we searched at Good Will and Salvation Army for the dress and sweater because she already had the shoes and tights, but we found nothing. I just happened to glance on the dress isle at work last week and found the perfect dress and sweater in the clearance section! I spent a total of $9.00 on the sweater and dress thanks to my employee discount. Erin was thrilled when I brought the treasures home! I think the results were fabulous!

Hayden's costume ended up being a bit tricky. I knew I wanted him to be a bear because he makes this funny "roar" noise all the time. I had some material I thought would be a great bear costume and planned on sewing something up, but ended up running out of time and energy thanks to a house full of sick people and two jobs. It was the day before the Parker Halloween Parade and I had nothing for him to wear. Again I scoured the isles of Ross hoping for something. I found a brown sweat suit that made the perfect base to his costume. To that I added a toilet seat cover. No, not the paper kind you sit on, the fuzzy fluffy kind that is popular with grandmas and aunts. I'm not really sure it has any viable purpose, but I found one for 99 cents and though it would make a perfect belly, ears, and tail. So I cut it up and safety pinned it on the brown suit and wala! For around $5.00 I had a costume for Hayden. I just slipped it over his clothes, added a little brown nose and freckles and he was ready to go. Again, the results were fantastic! The best part is, I bought the suit a little big so he can wear it this winter!

Daily I drive the winding tree lined roads to work. There is so much beauty this time of year that it is all I can do to take it in. I watch amber leaves spin and swirl their way to the ground and I imagine that each one carries a secret message of love from God to me. In the mornings I take the back roads to my grandmas house. As I reach the top of one hill I slow the car to a crawl and watch as the dew settles slowly in the cracks and crevices of this piece of earth I call home. As I drive home in the evening the sun golden and warm glitters through the trees. I feel lucky to be alive and to be here in this time and this place. I read a poem recently by Lisel Mueller titled "Alive Together". The opening line is " Speaking of marvels, I am alive together with you, when I might have been alive with anyone under the sun,". Lisel goes on to recount a list of "others" that her life could have been and ends with this

"alive together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance."

For me, in this moment, it is enough to be alive together with you.

A quick post before work.

I have to leave for work in exactly 45 minutes and I'm still in my pajamas. How's that for procrastination?
Life at the Jackson house is moving along. I'm always amazed at how quickly days turn into weeks, and weeks in to months and so on. We had dinner with grams and Ish last night. I made roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, steamed veggies, garlic bread, and pumpkin bars. With bellies full we played Phase 10. It took us three hours and we didn't even finish! Erin and Blake were talking pretty much non-stop about anything and everything. Grandma left the game somewhere around level four to put Hayden to sleep. She's been watching him for us while I work and she's developed quite a bond with him. He still cries when I leave him in the morning, but when I return he's all smiles and giggles. On Monday she's planning to take him to the Senior Center with her. I'm sure he'll love all the attention he's sure to get. He's a complete and total flirt especially with the ladies. He bates his long eye lashes and flashes his smile, already working his magic on the ladies.
David is enjoying his new job profusely. He works a normal 8-4:30 schedule and is off on the weekends and all holidays. What is not to love about that after working his previous crazy schedule? We love that he is home more. He's been busy making poker tables again. He just completed one of the coolest poker tables that anyone has ordered from him. It had a dealer cut out, chip tray, and money box. It was silver with black accents. Very cool! I'd upload a photo but we forgot to take one. We were up until 3:30 in the morning finishing the darn thing! He isn't taking anymore orders for a week so we can relax.
I am enjoying the job at JC Penny though I hate the sales part of it. It's a very fast paced environment and I'm learning how to think of poses on the fly. It's really great experience. I do wish there was a little more creativity involved in the use of the camera. I'm used to messing around with all of the settings on my camera to get the look and feel I want in a image. There is none of that in the studio.
Erin is sick with what she is convinced is H1N1. I'm not as convinced. She has a low grade fever, a little nose congestion, and a sore throat. Sound smore like the common cold to me, but I'm watching her closely and making sure she doesn't get any worse.
Hayden is a walking, babbling, screaming, eating, bundle of boy! He loves to be chased through the house and laughs hysterically if we even pretend to chase him. He loves the Wiggles! He even makes a motion to let me know he wants to watch them. I love them too. We dance together and sing with them. It's the best 20 minutes of my day. He also loves his new toy truck that my friend Karen go him for his birthday, and of course he's in love with his big sister. He lights up when she comes home from school. I'm trying not to be to freakish when it comes to what his learning and when. I don't like putting that type of stress on myself or him. He's talking baby talk and mimics our sounds. He pulls books from his book shelf and brings them to me to read. His favorite has all different kinds of textures he can touch. He feels them with his hands and then rubs his cheek with them.

Some photos of our recent trip to the punkin patch for your view pleasure. :) Can you believe it's been a year since he was all warm and cozy in his sling at the punkin patch?