Tuesday, April 05, 2016

I miss him.

I know that the sky's full of stars.
And dreams call your name from afar.
I'm anxious to see, all you're gonna be.
But I'm sure gonna miss who you are.
Read more at Lyrics.com 

No one told me I'd measure the time in jackets that no longer fit and pants that are now too short.  They told me to enjoy him.  "Soak up every moment!" they said.  But they never told me it would never be enough.  I'm living these moments and, trust me, I treasure every last one.  I am fully here and present when he wants to play wash cloth bomber while taking a bath, when he asks me to hold on for just one more cuddle, when he begs me not to tickle him in that way that means he wants a hundred more tickles.  I'm soaking it all in and trying my best to hold on tight. Then I see a picture and I notice how much the shape of his once small baby boy face has changed, or the way his hair doesn't have that slight curl to it anymore. In the photo he is wearing a sweater that hasn't fit in over a year and a shirt that I hid in a box in my room because it's his favorite  and one day I'll make a blanket out of all those shirts, I swear!  I see the boy he was and try to match him to he boy he is.  He is still him, only bigger and more him because he is learning more about who he is every single day.  This being a parent thing is a constant battle between wanting to see him grow and become who he is and wanting him to stay this small because he fits perfectly in my arms with his head on my shoulder.  I'm not sure I'll ever get the balancing act right.