Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Slowly, I'm working through the events of the last few weeks. It's a lot for a mind to process all at once. I'm grieving over the birth experience I didn't have. I thought and planned and researched so much only to have nothing turn out as expected. I had expectations of a natural labor and Hayden being placed in my arms while David cut the cord. I am extremely grateful to have a healthy baby boy and to be here with him, but a part of me feels cheated. Adding to this feeling of loss is the high possibility that I will not be able to have any more children. As someone who has always wanted a large family, this is a hard pill to swallow. Of course there is always adoption, and ultimately I may be able to have more children. We just aren't sure at this point. Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful to have Erin and Hayden. I feel blessed beyond measure, but to have a doctor tell you that you can not have anymore children seems so final.

Hayden and I are working on breast feeding. I feel like so much of what happened was out of my control that this one thing is something I can take charge of. My supply is very low, but Hayden is so patient. Even after 2 weeks of formula feeding he is still latching on. David is picking up a hospital grade pump today so that I can get the most out of each pumping and I'm looking into ordering a Supplemental Nursing System. Hopefully my production will pick up and I can breast feed like I want to. It's so important to me.


Unknown said...

I'm so glad that you are working through breast feeding. You and your family will pull you through this difficult time.

I can completely empathize with you about your expectations of family and grieving while at the same time being grateful for what you have. When I had to have my hysterectomy at the age of 30, and they actually made me sign a piece of paper saying that I understood that this would mean I couldn't have children I wanted to _______. (I don't have a word to put there, even now)

I went through years of being glad I survived, but jealous, feeling like I missed the point of my whole life, etc. There's no substitute, you have to feel it and move through it.

I'm glad you have Erin, and I'm glad that Hayden is Healthy and that you and he survived a birth that might have turned out much differently elsewhere or at another time.

There has been so much that has happened, and your life has changed so much in a matter of days. If you werent' experiencing some grief or dissapointment I would worry that you were suppressing those feelings. If this were a 'smaller thing', I'd call it 'resetting expectations'. This is a big deal. Let it feel like the big deal that it is so that it can move through you and you can be your whole self on the other side of this very emotional time.

Practical things come to mind: Make sure you eat well, take vitamins, and as silly as I sound - - try to rest as much as you can. You have still had major surgery and your body has produced stress hormones in addition to all the post-partum hormones you are enjoying right now.

Erin and David are here to help you, your now much closer family can rally around you. Wrap their love around you like a blanket. Enjoy your sweet son's baby days in the little moments as you can.

We are here for you, and sending light and love your way continually.

Kristen said...

This is a big deal, friend. All this on top of post-pregnancy hormone fluxes--oy vey. Not fun.

I know it wasn't what you wanted, but you can know that you should be proud of yourself and that we are all so proud of you.

I'm amazed that you guys are attempting breastfeeding. Wow! I've heard oatmeal (and of course, lots of water) can help with increasing supply, and there's another natural tea as well. I don't remember the name right now, but I can look it up for you if you need it. Love you!

aola said...

Your post and the comments brought tears.. I just can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you, for how you handled all of this, how you are making the best out of such a hard situation. I know it wasn't what you expected, but, so much in life isn't.
I'm amazed you are able to breastfeed at all! It's not easy under the best of circumstances. Great job!!

Kelli said...

One more vote for being extremely proud of you! You've been through A LOT. Don't put pressure on yourself for ANYTHING - do what works for you and your family and ignore all else. I'm so glad you are home with your precious boy. Enjoy this time with him, as it goes by far too quickly.

Also, e-mail me your address, will you? fivehansens at hotmail dot com

I need to send you and Hayden your gift!

Emma said...

I completely understand your feeling of loss over the birthing process. I have a mother who loved giving birth and had four home births and always talked about the joys and wonders of it, so when my first turned out to be a C-section, there were things I had to work through.
Enjoy these days like everyone says. I'm so glad for you that you're trying breast feeding and will pray that it goes well, even now, while you're still working it all out those times of cuddleing and spending close time together is important and precious. I believe the tea is called "mother's milk tea" and have heard that it is wonderful and even tastes good. :) I think I've even seen it at our local Giant Eagle in the vitamins section.

R said...

Ah Sandra, you're in such a hard place. I am so sorry things did not go as planned, but even more grateful that you are okay. I wish the hype of pre-baby books could be erased for a little bit. That Hayden continues to latch on is so, so, good.I have a thousand old wives tale for increasing milk production -- corn on the cob, Samuel Adams, blah, blah, blah, if you want them.

erin said...

Sandra. I sort of kept up with what was going on with you guys via A's blog. I'm so sorry that the birth was difficult and not as anticipated. Having a brand new baby in the house can be difficult enough all on its own without adding the stress you have been through.

I am glad to hear that you and baby and fam are doing well.

Motherlove has a product that I swear by called, more milk plus. I used it when my milk supply was low and had more milk than I knew what to do with. :)