Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Truth be told, I'm a little bit of a mess. Setting the date for the surgery freaked me out just a little. I'll have to stop breast feeding which seems unfair after all the work I've put into it. Someone else will be caring for Hayden for a week while I'm in the hospital. I want to stomp my feet and scream "This isn't fair!" like a two-year-old. I'm afraid to ask the cardiologist if he thinks more babies are a good idea. The thought of not being able to have more is breaking my heart. Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful for the two beautiful children I have, and trust me, I am, but Lord help the next person who tells me that! I think I've moved past the shocked, scared phase and am now in the pissed-off-want-to-give-the-world-the-finger phase.

I finally finished Hayden's nursery which brought on an overwhelming set of emotions. I hadn't really been in there for longer than it takes to grab an outfit or put his clothes away since before he was born. There was such a strong feeling of then and now as I finished things up. Then, I had no idea any of this would happen. I was in my own little happy world imagining all the things soon-to-be-moms get to imagine. Now, I want to run back and tell that girl to brace herself so this doesn't blindside her. I want to tell her not to take even one second of her pregnancy for granted because this may be the only chance she gets.

The worst part is that I feel completely guilty for feeling like this. I know that there are others with far worse problems and more significant things going on in their lives. Yet here I am whining and moaning. Typically, I'm not the one to throw a pity party for myself. Allowing myself to see this side of me is completely uncomfortable.

Holy crap I actually hit the "publish post" button. I've been writing and deleting this same post for about two weeks now.


Denise said...

There will be many more emotions that will surface as the day draws near.....Keep your focus.. tell HIM of your fear..... HE is big enough to deal with your turmoil and guilt..... and I bet that nursery is beautiful !

Emma said...

Your feelings make so much sense. I miscarried before Greta, and while it made me even more thankful for my boys, haveing them didn't take away the hurt of loosing that particular baby. you'll be in our prayers.

Kristen said...

Um, yeah, you can freak out. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US would be. Especially we moms.

You can be thankful for something/someone while still wishing the situation was different. Sure, count your blessings. But this is a big deal and you have a right to be upset and mad about it.

Don't be afraid to share, Sandra.

R said...

I am just so sorry, Sandra. Stamp your feet all you want -- whatever helps you, whatever makes it a little more bearable.

aola said...

I loved the Holy Crap moment... but I agree with Becky.. you just go ahead and stomp your feet and scream. I sure as hell would!!

Katt said...

Wow girl. As your mom this is on my mind all the time. While none of us have a clue what you are feeling right now, I think we all agree you can be as pissed off as you want.
Just know that in my heart I am already holding you hand in my heart and sending you as much strength as I can.
I love you so much

Sandra said...

Thanks everyone. Your advice was just what I needed. I stomped my feet and cried it out. I think I just needed to let myself feel what I was feeling and get on with it. I talked to David about it and that always helps.

McMom said...

You did the right thing by letting yourself feel!! Stuffing your feelings right now will only make it worse later. You are looking at this situation from all the angles and dealing with it little by little. You are wise and an example to us all!

Unknown said...

You are completely entitled to be pissed! Feeling it and getting it out and over with is the only way.

I care about you, and so many people do. You deserve good things.

You go ahead and give the world the finger. You WILL conquer this. Your body will heal, and you will regain your health!