Monday, April 06, 2009

Hayden is almost asleep in his swing, David and Erin are upstairs having a conversation about boys and why "making out" is not a good idea (welcome to life with a teenager), and I'm contemplating all the ways we could skip this part and go right to the twenty-something-year-old daughter realizes parents were right all along and says she's sorry for trying to sneak away from the bus stop to make out with horny little boys. Actually, I just wish this was as bad as it gets, but I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. It hasn't been that long since I was a teenager, but things have changed so much. Granted, I wasn't what anyone would call a normal teenager, but I did have friends who were normal. The pace of things has picked up so much! Of course we had a few friends who would sneak off and make out at 13, but for the most part that didn't really catch on until we were around 15 or 16. If you could only read the things some of these boys have said to her you would want to pour Clorox in your ear just to clean your mind and I'm really not exaggerating. It was all I could do to keep David from hunting the boy down. He did send him an e-mail letting him know he wasn't to talk to, look at, or think about Erin ever again. He hasn't so much as glanced Erin's direction sense. The only thing worse than having a teenage daughter is having a teenage daughter who doesn't understand just how pretty she is. It's dangerous territory.

10 comments:

R said...

Oh Sandra, I was totally Erin. The girls I went to school with at Roff, started at 12. I was a later bloomer at 13. Seriously. When I arrived at Byng and met girls like Kim and Shelly, I thought they were from another world.

I am not Erin's mother, nor the mother of a girl, but looking back on those experiences what made them devastating was not the actual experience, but the rhetoric surrounding the experience, the labels of others. In some ways, it's perfectly natural that Erin wants to go make out with a boy -- her hormones are totally kicking in. Historically and biologically, she's programmed. In other ways, it could be completely devastating, physically and emotionally.

If I could communicate with my thirteen year old self, I would have handed her some birth control pills, some really good fiction books and poetry (Marge Piercy for the poetry), told her to pick up her guitar more often and take up running.

I am reading this psych/cultural critic Judith Butler, who says that we all just want to be recognized in another, to see ourselves reflected in another person. We are always asking "Who are you?" so that we will know who we are -- I think that's what teenagers are doing with their new bodies, asking who are you with their hands, so they'll know who they are . . .

This is getting long. . . I just wanted to tell you what I feel like now . . .

Kelli said...

I agree with Becky. I think that it is so great that Erin has parents who care about her. I know that I did as well, however, I wish sometimes that I could go back and undo the shame that was attached to so many very normal feelings that 13 year olds have.

Good luck. Sounds like you guys are doing a great job -- I know I am very thankful we have 10 years before we're there, because I am SO not ready for that stage!

Sandra said...

Becky and Kelli, thank you for the insight. As much as I know Erin's feelings, emotions, and hormones are normal, it's difficult for me because it was not my experience. I do tell her that it's normal and that I understand her need/want to make out with the cutest guy in school. What I'm trying to protect her from is the rhetoric and shame. We live in a small town and I know that even if every girl is guilty of acting the same way, it only takes a few whispers to give one girl a bad reputation and that will devastate her. You are right, Becky, she is searching. She is trying to find herself and trying to find love and acceptance among her peer group and we all know this path doesn't lead there. She is in softball and gymnastics. I'm trying to provide as much distraction as possible. Hopefully they are distractions that will also build confidence and self control. I'm not worried about her saving herself for marriage, but I would at least like to know she's had sex for a few of the right reasons instead of all the wrong one's.

aola said...

I hurt for her... her body is way more developed than her mind and I know where that got me... pregnant at 16, but, I didn't have a Mom or a Dad like she has (parents who actually pay attention) I was shy and insecure and liked the attention that my body got me. I know you won't, but, just don't give up, don't stop talking to her. I can't tell you how much I wish my parents had done something to stop me from the hell I let myself get trapped in.

Denise said...

Oh my.... tough times the teen years. bless your heart, bless her heart and bless David's heart.....


HOW are you and is your mom going to get to PA for your surgery? I have not heard a word from her since she left here last month...... I pray she is ok...

R said...

Sandra, First, I want to say that my comments were not to say you are doing anything wrong. In fact, I think you are doing wonderfully. I only commented to say, "Hey, I walked that road and here is how I feel about it now."

What follows is academic ramblings --

On your comment of finding love and acceptance in a peer group -- that's not quite what I was trying to convey. I know that's the standard explanation of teenage promiscuity, but I think much more identity building is going on -- if Judith Butler is right and we form an identity by asking "Who are you?" to form an "I," then I think teenage sexuality is part of that process. It's not so much about love of an other or a self as it is trying to position one's identity. If you are boy and I am girl, what does that mean? Who is girl? Who is boy? What do those roles entail?

I have been thinking about this a lot, the complications of sexuality and the idea of a "bad reputation." I remember teachers and others saying "All you have is your reputation." I now see that as a measure of control and a lie. Reputations are construed by the masses. For that statement to be true, my entire being and future rests on the opinion of the masses and has nothing to do with my own capabilities. Reputation is ephemeral, only viable as long as I am in a community, changing the minute I encounter new communities and ways of being. How can my reputation be all I have?

You have given me a lot to consider. I love how you make think -- even find new paths of scholarship I would like to travel.

I have more to say (as always), but I won't continue here.

I think you are an excellent mom, Sandra. Erin is lucky to have you.

R said...

Oh, one more thing . . . are you tired of me yet?

I thought your comment about good and bad reasons to have sex (makeout, whatever) was incredibly insightful. I can see asking my teenage daughter to formulate such a list -- good reasons for this behavior -- bad reasons for this behavior -- in hopes of creating a starting point for conversation and plan for future behavior.

Sandra said...

Becky, I welcome and appreciate your advice and comments. I understood what you were trying to convey. I love that you can come at it from a completely different point of view. It helps to to reign myself in. The fact that Erin is completely different from me at that age is a source of frustration because I don't really know how to relate to her as well as I would like too and she doesn't really believe what I tell her because my thoughts and opinions come from a different set of experiences.

As far as reputation goes. I can agree that it isn't all a person has and it is based on what the masses think of you. I think what I'm more worried about is not her reputation, but the treatment she'll receive because of a "bad reputation". The scars people leave can be deep and last a lifetime. I want to protect her from any type of mean and hurtful treatment regardless of the reason it's given. I know I can protect her from all of it, but I want to try. I also know that she'll make it through these years. I just like her to do it with as little pain as possible for her sake.

Just today on our walk we talked about making out and why to do it and why not to. She said she wanted to do it because he was "cute and popular". She couldn't think of any good reasons not too. Lucky for her she has a mom who could think of a few. :)

I'm never really sure if I'm making any progress with her. She's very good at telling me what I want to hear. All I can do is plant the seeds and hope they take root. Of course, I'll love her regardless.

And, tired of you? Not even close! :)

Kristen said...

Just so glad you are talking with her, Sandra. Your head isn't buried in the sand like some parents.

Kelli said...

As much as I feel that I have an opinion on issues such as these, I can't help but continually feel thankful that I'm not there yet. Along with that comes a hope that when I AM there, I am able to formulate a way to deal with all the teenage stuff that I won't eventually regret!