Memorizing Verses

When I was younger I worried about not being able to turn to a certain book in the Bible. It was my greatest fear to be called on to read a specific verse and have to turn to the index first. What would people think? I would be exposed as the only believer to not memorize the order of the books. At least, that’s how it went in my mind, and it didn’t stop at the order of the books. I should know it all. I should be able to quote the bible word for word. The more I could quote the better Christian I was. It didn’t matter to me if I really knew what it meant, just as long as I had it memorized like the information for my second period biology exam, only this was much more important. This got me in good with the big man and made me look good in front of the church. Of course, there was much more that was required of the “good Christian” in my mind. I had to praise the right way at the right time, say all the right prayers, and of course nod my head at the right time during the sermon.
I wonder what the younger me would think of me now. I don’t go to church, I don’t know much more of the bible by heart than I did then, and I still have to use the index. Yet somehow I feel closer to God than I ever have. Letting go of all of these things that I thought would bring me closer to God has only shown me more of who God is. He doesn’t so much care if I know the order of the books in the bible as long as I know his heart. He’s not worried if I memorize all the verses of the bible as long as his words are written on my heart. Life isn’t so much about regimen or schedule anymore. There are no Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night meetings. I don’t read the bible every day. I don’t even pray in the conventional sense every day. My life is not a dressed up for Sunday school type of thing. It’s a jumbled up mess of human emotion and wanting verses the call of God that shakes me to the core when I catch a glimpse of it. It’s slipping, sliding, falling, climbing, clawing, may way through it all type of thing. There are days when I feel so crazy in this skin that I want to jump out of it. There are days when I really don’t care much at all about anything at all. There are days when I throw my hands up in the air because I just don’t get it. And then, there are the days when I feel a calling. I feel in tune and in sink with God. I can feel my place and see my purpose. Those days keep me wading through the rest of it. Those days remind me that there is so much more to all of this than memorizing verses.