Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Pushing Him Away

Three years ago my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were killed in a fire. It was a dark time in my life. I learned a lot about myself, and just how far I could be pushed before breaking. Sadly, I didn't have to be pushed very far. I searched through what was left of my father-in-laws home for some small piece of hope, but only choked on ash and tears. I could have been many things, but I was only weak. I sat on the curbside after a sleepless night trying to comprehend all that had happened. I asked God the most obvious question, "Why"? I threw my hands up in frustration when no answer was given. I denounced God. I stomped my feet and shook my fist screaming at God, "How can there be a god when something like this is allowed to happen? I don't believe in you! I can't believe in you!"
It wasn't enough for me to think these things. I had to scream them at him. I wanted to make sure he heard. I needed him to know that I was angry, that this wasn't fair, and that I wasn't going to let him off the hook. I knew he was there, and I knew that my turning away from him would hurt him, and that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted him to feel what I felt. While I was busy ranting and raving, he was putting his arms around me and drawing me in. He was telling me that I didn't need to hurt him because he felt what I felt and that I could tell him that I didn't believe in him all I wanted to, but he knew it wasn't true because he, more than anyone, knew my heart.
He gave me the space I needed to grieve and to heal. He showed me that he is not shaken even when everything else is turned upside down, and that he doesn't leave even when I push him away.

1 comment:

aola said...

dark night of the soul... I guess we all have to live it, don't we?
Don't know why but we do.
Seems to me though like you come out on the other side (eventually)stronger and more trusting.