Pushing Him Away

Three years ago my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were killed in a fire. It was a dark time in my life. I learned a lot about myself, and just how far I could be pushed before breaking. Sadly, I didn't have to be pushed very far. I searched through what was left of my father-in-laws home for some small piece of hope, but only choked on ash and tears. I could have been many things, but I was only weak. I sat on the curbside after a sleepless night trying to comprehend all that had happened. I asked God the most obvious question, "Why"? I threw my hands up in frustration when no answer was given. I denounced God. I stomped my feet and shook my fist screaming at God, "How can there be a god when something like this is allowed to happen? I don't believe in you! I can't believe in you!"
It wasn't enough for me to think these things. I had to scream them at him. I wanted to make sure he heard. I needed him to know that I was angry, that this wasn't fair, and that I wasn't going to let him off the hook. I knew he was there, and I knew that my turning away from him would hurt him, and that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted him to feel what I felt. While I was busy ranting and raving, he was putting his arms around me and drawing me in. He was telling me that I didn't need to hurt him because he felt what I felt and that I could tell him that I didn't believe in him all I wanted to, but he knew it wasn't true because he, more than anyone, knew my heart.
He gave me the space I needed to grieve and to heal. He showed me that he is not shaken even when everything else is turned upside down, and that he doesn't leave even when I push him away.