Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I couldn't sleep last night. First, I got up to answer the phone which to my dismay never rang in the first place. Then, I thought I saw smoke coming from Erin's room and had to get up twice to make sure that nothing was on fire and nothing was plugged in that could start a fire. When I finally got back to bed, the voices started. They whispered at first about 27 being just around the corner. They got louder as they mentioned that at this point, I've been overweight for most of my adult life. They screamed about me being almost 30 and having no solid plan for a baby or a career. I've never been afraid of age, but without my noticing, a fear of 30 has slipped threw a crack in my subconscious and is giving me hell. I tell myself that it is just a number, and that there are no guidelines that say I should have this or that by 30, but I don't believe any of it. By 30, I want to be more settled, but that only happens by having a clear plan at 27. Twenty-seven is a month away and I have no plan. I am currently without a plan and scared that any plan I manage to concoct will be nothing but smoke and mirrors created to fool my subconscious into thinking I've got it all figured out.

8 comments:

Becky said...

Anne Lamott says to pick up those voices by their tales, put them in a jar, and screw on the lid. Laugh at them as they drive each other crazy -- or shoot them in the head . . .

Sandra said...

Thank you for reminding me of this! I think shooting them is the best option at this point!

Aola said...

Mark and I didn't marry until I was 28 years old so most of the wonderful stuff that has happened in my life happened after I turned 30.
You have a lot of living left to do so don't worry about 30.

Sandra said...

Thanks for the comment Aola. I know 27 is very young. Being in limbo is just taking it's toll.

Kristen said...

Limbo sucks, but it seems...limbo is life. You know? It is for me anyway. (Going on 25 next month, and feeling a little...irksome myself.) :)

Aola said...

WoW!! I am impressed with the new look. Great job!

Sandra said...

thanks Kristen, It's good to know I'm not alone. :)

Thanks A.

Jeanne said...

Sandra, sometimes smoke and mirrors is an okay thing. And sometimes fooling our subconscious is the right thing to do. Some people call it walking in faith. I call it choosing to be happy in spite of the crap. I firmly believe that our emotions follow our thought life, so tell yourself that where you are is okay, then tell yourself again and again. You don't HAVE to have a plan...Psalm 139 says God's got the plan. His plans are good, too, from what we've experienced so far. Love ya.