Thursday, November 30, 2006

My eyes don't want to close. My body doesn't want to sit stll. My mind doesn't want to focus on one thing very long. Every thought traces it's way back to Pam. I've had to convince myself a milion times that what just happened really happened. I stop in the middle of doing dishes to ask myself if it was all just a bad dream. I'm worried that at the worst possible moment reality will set in and I will fall apart. I did my share of crying at the hospital but once we left it became easy to pretend that none of this really happened. Other than the stack of her clothes that sit on the chair in my bedroom and her suitcases that line my hallway, there is nothing to remind me that she is gone. Yesterday I was talking to David about a recipe I needed and he stopped in the middle of tellig me to call his mom. My heart breaks for him.


aola said...

Death is just so weird, isn't it? It always leaves me feeling so ... so.. well, I don't know how it makes me feel. The best word I have for it is "weird". I get these feelings like - maybe she's not really dead, what if we made a mistake - it just doesn't seem possible that the body can still be there and look the same but it's just the life that's gone out of weird.
I watched a man die once on an oil rig and my brain just could not accept that he was dead. One minute he was working on the rig, the next he was on the ground dead with us all standing there watching it. I saw it happen and still couldn't comprehend it.
I guess we finally just accept that they are gone and not coming back, like they might just be across country or something.
To this day I still every once in awhile think about calling Trudy to tell her something before I remember she's gone... and it has been 13 years.

Sandra said...

I think weird is an appropriate term. It takes so long for it to really sink in. We have to go over to David's brothers house Sunday. I'm sure it will stirll everything up. We've never been to that house when Pam wasn't there.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorri that she is gone my great geat great granny died over 3 years ago and I can not forget that she is gone sometimes at night I will sit up all night and only cri and act like she is sitting right besit me it is so sad that they are relly GONe it is like they are here!!!It is right ?
Anserw please ui can not spell vary well I am only 9!!!
THank you samantha