Wednesday, December 20, 2006

It's been so easy lately to fill my days with chores. There are presents to be wrapped, cards to send, recipes to try. These things are my scapegoats. I use them to occupy my time and avoid thinking about the last three weeks and a sadness that threatens to swallow me. There has been no memorial service for Pam and there won't be for some time. The ground in Oregon is frozen solid and the roads too treacherous to travel. A box is prepared for her ashes and they will wait there until spring. I'll admit that I am usually the first to make light of ceremonies and rituals, but I need to say goodbye. At times like these I miss community. David's family is spread thin; each doing their own thing. My family is close and connected celebrating, mourning, and experiencing life in close proximity. When my grandfather died we all came together to laugh and cry and heal. David's family splintered into their own cells within hours after Pam's death. It's made it very difficult for me to let go. I'm searching for a way to honor her and to let her go.


aola said...

I'm just learning how important ritual is... search your heart and find a way to create one that will help you let go and maybe help you hold onto the love you feel.
Reading Jen Lemen and Rachelle Chapman has really helped me in this area, maybe you could build a little altar area with her picture and some of her things and you, David and Erin could light a candle and tell her goodbye.

Kristen said...

I agree with Aola. For your own sake, do this, even if you have to have a memorial service again later with other people. I think Pam would understand, too.