Monday, January 29, 2007

I tell myself I am brave and bold, but really I'm a chicken. I don't like to push myself beyond the safety net I've woven around me. This going back to school thing is not safe. There are too many opportunities to fail; too much is unknown. At least a dozen times since I held my breath and hit the "register now" button, I've thought about a way out of this. Who would think less of me for backing out? A mother and wife with a full time job has every right not to add another log to the fire. Quiting is not what I want. Wife and mother are beautiful titles that I'm honored to wear, but there is more.
For several years, I forgot what I wanted. My first year at college was spent under the guise of becoming an advertising mogul, a career path so contrary to my personality even one of my professors looked at me funny when I professed my major. I must confess, I only heard the cha-ching of the big money a career in advertising promised. I glossed over the fact that one must be cut throat in order to get those big bucks.
What I have come to remember during the past months as we planned to take care of Pam and then had to watch her leave us, is that all I really want to do is help people. The way that seems most natural to me is to nurse people back to health when I can and sit with them when I can not. Thankfully, as a child I had no human subjects to work with, but I did have animals. When our cat gave birth to still born kittens, I was certain there was a way to bring them back to life. On my back porch out of my mom's line of vision, I pushed softly on their tiny bellies giving them my own version of kitten CPR. When that failed, I wrapped each one, said a prayer for them, and buried them in the back yard. When I start to get fearful of this path, when I feel like it's too much, I think about those kittens, the frog I tried to save once, or the little baby that will need my knowledge to help it win it's fight for life. It's melodramatic I know, but something has to be stronger than the fear.


Incase you were wondering, my first class went down like this.

In the parking lot of Mission College, minutes before I had to be in class, I smacked into a parked car. The damage wasn't huge, but everything in me spun out of control. I couldn't think straight enough to remember my name! I thought I should jump in the truck, drive home, and hide under the covers. Then I realized that I am an adult. Hiding under the covers hasn't been an option for years. So, I did the adult thing and left a note for the driver of the other vehicle. I then went on to class, scared of what waited for me there and what might wait for me back at my car when the other driver saw what I'd done. The class wasn't as scary as I'd imagined. The professor was funny and kind. I think he could see the fear in my eyes. The students were typical 18 year-old know-it-all's, dressed in yesterday's clothes scented with alcohol. It will take all my willpower not to try and mother them.
The driver of the other car left me a voicemail. Her voice was sweet and her tone under control. She just asked that I give her a call back so we can exchange insurance information.

What was I so affriad of?


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are going back to school. You are such a smart woman to begin with...imagine the power that you'll have with an education in hand!
And, don't worry...starting college is just as scary when you're 18 (trust me)...they just have an arrogance and ignorance about them. They haven't seen the world yet and don't know what awaits them. You come bearing years of life experience that will only aid in your education. Don't think of your age as a's a huge asset! --Jen

Sandra said...

Thank you Jen! I hadn't thought of looking at my age that way. But it's so true.

aola said...

So, now you've gone and done it.... no holding you back now!!!

and you are brave and strong - we all get scared but only the brave and strong work thru it.

Sandra said...

Thanks A! :)

Anonymous said...

yay for you!!! you are my hero today.

Kristen said...

This will be old hat to you pretty soon. You'll wonder why you were worried. :)

I think it's great that you have a goal and something to motivate you.