Monday, February 09, 2009

16 lbs and 2 ounces of nothing but love.

Hayden was his lively animated little self at his doctors visit today. He rolled all over the dinosaur shaped table and tried to eat fistfuls of paper. He charmed the doctor with his sweet smile and flashed his baby blues at the nurse. It didn't stop her from sticking a needle into his chubby thigh four times! Don't worry, he milked it for all it was worth.
He's sleeping peacefully on my shoulder now and I can't imagine there is any better place for him to be. My mom says he is spoiled, but my grandma calls it well loved. I prefer to think of it like that. Sure it's difficult to type and balance a sleeping baby, but that's what mom's do. We balance the impossible and make it look easy.

I leave bright and early tomorrow morning to meet with my cardiologist and have an echo of my heart. I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous about this surgery. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought out goodbye letters and the best course of action for David, Erin, and Hayden should something happen to me. I try not to be dramatic about this, but it feels pretty dramatic at the moment. The thought of being put on a vent brings back bitter memories of Pam and of losing her. The idea of having my chest sawed open sends shivers up my spine. I'm not fishing for reassurance. I feel pretty sure that I'll be okay. I have to process all of the what if's. There is no way around them. Always the practical one, I'll be writing up an Advanced Directive. I will also be writing out the letters I've thought up just in case. Feel free to laugh at me for all of this after the surgery and recovery, but for now all that is needed is the simple knowledge that you would do the same thing.

6 comments:

Kristen said...

You're being wise, Sandra. We're here to process the what-if's with you. Love ya, girl.

R said...

Would I be dramatic about it? I am dramatic about moles. Yes. Yes. I would do all that for so many reasons. Mostly, because it make me feel like I had done it right. Keep us updated.

Jen said...

I don't think that it's anything to laugh about, even after you come out of surgery just fine. I think that you're just making sure that everyone will know how much they are loved. In fact, we should probably do more of that same thing every day, just because. We just assume that we can say it tomorrow. You're being wise!

Sandra said...

Thanks girls! For agreeing and for not posting some cheesy "you're going to be just fine" comment. :)

aola said...

are you kidding me.. that is exactly what I would do and in fact I write those letters on a regular basis.. notes to Mark to tell him what needs to be done, letters to my kids to tell them how much I love them... sounds to me like you are handling this thing (and it is a huge thing) in the best way possible for you.

Denise said...

Oh my..... Yes, I would do the same, the letters and saying the things to those that we love while we can.... You do what your heart directs you to do and go with God girl and know that HE holds your heart! HE is the one that calls your name when time to go home.....IT is HE that makes that life decision........ HE is your Father God and HE directs the Dr's hands........ I will pray and I will have many praying....... Love you......